Craving Vertigo
by Suit Yourself
Summary: Ever since Ted had realized that his old feelings for Robin were coming back with a vengeance, he had gone out of his way to avoid Barney altogether; but when a sudden tragedy strikes it forces him out of Robin's bed and into Barney's arms. TedxBarney
1. Leave a Message at the Beep

**Trigger Warning- This fic is really dark and may be upsetting. It deals with a lot of serious topics, so if you're easily distressed please take care if you choose to read on. Thank you.**

 **FYI, it doesn't deal with abuse of any nature, though, if that's something that triggers you.**

* * *

He had been waking up alone for six years now. It felt so very foreign to him to have that vague awareness of another's nearby presence as he stirred himself to consciousness. He slowly forced his eyelids apart and nearly chocked on his shock as he was awed by the hazily familiar sight of her. He ventured to reach out his hand and carefully stroke a knot of silky, jet black hair away from her forehead. It had been over twenty years since he had woken up next to her. It was insane. Twenty years and yet it felt so comfortable, like they didn't have decades of dirty laundry and curtailed marriages resting between them.

Ted finally managed to push himself into a slightly more vertical position; his eyes drifting away from Robin for the briefest of moment as he tried to track down a clock. Evidently, Robin didn't have one so he settled on tugging his phone off of the nightstand next to him and clicking it on to check the time. He was quickly distracted from this mission as the screen came abuzz with a rapid-fire barrage of notifications. Six missed calls from...Lily? Three from Marshall. Twelve text messages from Lily? Twenty from Marshall! Even Penny had apparently tried calling him a couple of times. He audibly gasped, checked to make sure he hadn't disturb Robin's slumber, and immediately rose from the bed and dashed into the living room.

He randomly selected one of the voicemail that had been left for him and put his phone up to his ear as his heart rose into his throat. He really wasn't allowed to enjoy himself for a day, was he? He had only tried to drop off the face of the Earth for one night and already some sort of crisis had arisen to him strike him straight back into the cold, outstretched hands of reality.

" _Ted! The doctor he...Oh God, Marshall! What are you doing here? No, I don't need you to check on me! You need to stay with him! I know, hang on, I'm coming."_

Ted pulled his phone away and stared at it in confusion. That hadn't helped him get a grasp on the situation at all. He found that his annoyance had faded, however, and he was now feeling a full-blown anxiety attack creeping around the corner. He decided to listen to the singular voicemail from Penny next, praying that this emergency situation didn't directly involve her or Luke. More than anything he just wanted his children to be okay. They were his universe and he knew that he would fall into disrepair if anything were to happen to either of them.

" _Hey, dad. I know that you're with Aunt Robin and all, but um...Aunt Lily called me, she wanted to know where you were because she can't get ahold of you so I told her the truth...I'm sorry, don't be mad. Something happened, I'm not really sure what; she wouldn't tell me. I don't know what's up with her, she sounded like she had been crying. Just call her, dad. Okay? Okay. Love you, have fun. Not too much fun, though! Eww."_ Ted smiled to himself, relief flooding through his chest. She was okay. Thank God. Luke and Penny were fine. Thank God.

He still had no clue what had happened, though, and his frustration returned with a vengeance as he started to listen to one of his voicemails from Marshall.

" _Ted, I don't know if Lily already told you this or not, but she didn't make it. Her injuries were too severe and she lost too much blood, there was nothing the doctors or anyone could do."_

The message ended there. His best friend had seemingly dissolved into a fit of tears and given up on the call. Ted felt sick again. Guilty, even. He had felt so relieved after listening to Penny's message, happy almost. It had felt in that moment like the lives of his children were the only significant things in the world, and he had so easily forgotten that his friends were just like him, their lives orbiting around their own children. Immediately his mind wandered to Daisy and Holly. Daisy his sweet, sweet sixteen year-old goddaughter. And Holly, his adorable little fourteen year-old gem of a niece. He pictured one of their lives slipping away in a bloody hospital bed as an inconsolable Marshall wrapped his arms around an inconsolable Lily. No. No. NO. He didn't want his friends to have to go through that, they didn't deserve to go through that. He was sick and tired of the world being so damn unfair. So damn coldhearted. Happiness was such a fickle thing, you take your eyes off it for two seconds and it's gone.

Of course, he couldn't be certain that it was Daisy or Holly that they were talking about. He tried to control his nerves and keep in his tears, morbidly hoping that it was someone less important. Someone like...their neighbor or...He felt guilty for thinking it, but even one of their mothers' deaths would be preferable to one of his niece's. _Right_ , he reminded himself. Really it could be anyone. So, he hesitantly clicked on one of the earlier voicemail's feeling nearly too terrified to listen to it.

" _Ted, you're with Robin? Robin!? I can't believe you. Honestly I can't. Could you possibly time this little rendezvous worse!?"_ Lily sounded furious. Ted felt a spike of anger rise in him as well, until he remembered that Lily had likely just lost someone dear to her and had every right in the world to misdirect her spiraling emotions his way _. "One of your best friends is here waiting to find out if his daughter is going to make it through the night and there you are too damn busy sleeping with his ex-wife to pick up the phone!?"_ Wait. Hold on a minute. Robin wasn't Marshall's ex-wife.

Oh.

Oh God.

Ellie.

Ellie was dead.

Barney...

Ted's blood ran cold. He felt nauseous and dizzy and he hurriedly plopped down on Robin's sofa, feeling like he might just fall over if he tried to keep standing. Just as he dropped his phone down on the couch next to him Robin's bedroom door opened up a crack and she peaked her head out. She smiled when she saw him, but her grin faltered as soon as it dawned on her that he was anything but jovial. "Ted?" she whispered, creeping out of the doorway clothed in nothing but a thin silk robe.

He didn't so much as glance at her. Lily was right. He couldn't believe himself either. Suddenly he didn't want to be in Robin's apartment anymore. Suddenly he would rather be anywhere else in the universe.

"Ted!" Robin shouted, now close enough that she could tug at his arm as a demand for him to look at her. He knew that he should tell her what had happened, but he couldn't even picture himself forming the words necessary to do so.

She sat down next to him and took his chin into her hands, forcefully swiveling his head until they were eye to eye. "What's wrong?" she asked, her voice taking on a softer tone than before.

His lips felt glued together, his tongue felt like a clump of wet sandpaper. He picked his phone up off the coffee table and halfheartedly set it in her lap, prompting her to answer her own question. Better his phone have to deliver the news than him.

She gave him one last confused look before picking up the phone and beginning to scroll through his messages. "What do you want me to...?" she mumbled, before shrugging her shoulders and tapping on the most recent one.

Ted had his volume up just loud enough that he could hear the voice flooding through it and into Robin's waiting ear. _"Barney refused to leave the hospital, Marshall had to literally drag him by force to our car. We're taking him to our house for now, but it's not like there's anything we can do for him. I know that you're still with Robin, but when you finally turn on your phone and listen to this...come over. He needs you, Ted. We all need you. Please hurry."_

Robin looked at Ted, her body now shaking in fear as she set a hand down on the sofa to ground herself. "What is that supposed to mean, Ted? Why the hell won't you just hurry up and tell me what's going on!?" she finally snapped, throwing the phone down onto the couch in a flurry of emotion.

"Just keep listening to my voicemails, Robin. I don't want to say it...," Ted muttered, fully aware of how childish he was acting. Robin rolled her eyes at him and picked his phone back up.

" _Ted..."_ It was Barney's voice, Ted hadn't even noticed that he had a message from Barney. He gazed at Robin, his mouth agape as he leaned in closer to her, straining to her the quiet, shaky message. _"I...um...I'm at the hospital. Ellie ran into traffic...she...,"_ Barney's breathing was growing more and more frantic as the message played on, he sounded like he was fighting with every fiber of his being to keep from letting the wave of sobs brewing up along the coasts wash him out to sea. _"She's in really bad shape, Ted. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call Lily and Marshall, but um...when you get this just call me back, okay?"_

Robin slowly moved the phone away from her ear, her eyes already glimmering with tears, every bit as openmouthed as Ted. "Barney...," she whispered. "What happened? Is Ellie alright?"

Ted managed to shake his head, and soon Robin's tears broke the dam and flooded down her cheeks. "I'm going down there with you, Ted. I need to see him," she stated, her voice firm even as it wavered.

Ted slowly moved his head up and down as he attempted to will himself to his feet. He felt older than he ever had before, like a tin man with frozen joints in need of oil. "Let's just...I'll drive."

Robin nodded her head and began to walk to the door, glancing over her shoulder after a few steps to make sure he was following her. Her dogs barked loudly from the other room, but she breezily ignored them. She opened the front door and held it open as Ted walked through it. He wished she wouldn't. He wished he could drive to Marshall and Lily's house alone because he felt like a mess and he didn't really want her to see him like this. He was also more than a little afraid that Barney would somehow know what he had done. That he would reach to pull Barney into his arms, to let him cry on his shoulder, and Barney would be able to smell Robin on him like a bloodhound. He felt dirty. If he hadn't already missed so much he would stop to take a shower. But he didn't, he proceeded to his car, Robin trailing silently behind him with downcast eyes and an unsteady gait.

He hopped into the car and started it up as Robin made her way into his passenger seat. The first few minutes of the drive were filled with nothing but the ambient sounds of a New York morning, but then Ted whispered, "I should probably call them and let them know we're coming right?" He saw Robin nod her head from the corner of his eye. He pressed the phone button on his steering wheel, "Call Marshall," he clearly stated. He listened to the dial tone buzz for a moment before Marshall's voice flooded through the car.

 _"Ted?"_

"Hi, Marshall," Ted whispered before realizing he was speaking too quietly, clearing his throat, and repeating his greeting with a few more decibels behind it.

 _"So you finally got all the messages, huh?"_ Marshall didn't sound too upset with him, Ted was pleasantly surprised, but he knew that Lily would be a different matter entirely.

"I did," he stated simply, "I'm so sorry that it took me so long."

There was a pregnant moment of silence, heavy with Marshall trying to ease guilt unworthy of being eased. He finally settled on saying, _"It's alright, buddy, just come as soon as you can."_

"I'm on the way right now."

 _"Oh, ok, good. Good."_

"I'm bringing Robin."

 _"Did Barney call her?"_

Ted and Robin exchanged a look, she broke it first, digging into the pocket of the robe she was still wearing to finally boot up her own cell phone. Finally she shook her head, her voice breaking as she mumbled, "He didn't call me."

 _"He probably just figured you'd be busy, you're a busy person."_

"Marshall...busy or not, of course I...," Robin paused and glanced over at Ted, "Maybe I shouldn't go. I don't think he wants me there."

"Robin, you're being ridiculous just calm down. You're fine."

"Nothing's fine, Ted."

She was right, of course. Nothing was fine. Not a thing. "Marshall, will you just ask him? Just ask him if he's okay with Robin coming."

 _"Ted...I can't really ask him anything."_

"Why, where is he?" Ted clenched his fists on the steering wheel, steeling himself for the worst.

 _"Well, he's here, but he's in our bedroom and he told us not to follow him."_

"Marshall! Shouldn't you be keeping an eye on him?"

 _"Ted, he needs some time alone. He doesn't want us to watch him fall apart anymore."_

"But what if he hurts himself..." Ted's voice came out as barely more than a squeak. Cliché Polaroids of razorblades and spilt pill bottles were already ramming through his brain with the force of a freight train.

 _"Ted, it's Barney, he'll make it through this somehow."_

"But Marshall..." Ted's eyes were filled to the brim with tears and he could hardly see the road in front of him. He probably should have pulled over and gotten his act together, but he couldn't imagine wasting that much time. "He needs her. He needs her so damn much."

Ted could hear Marshall sniffle and he knew that he had peeled the corner off of the lid on the grief that his friend had so carefully sealed away. _"I know, Ted!"_ He shouted, his tone far more harsh than Ted was used to hearing it. _"But what do you want me to do!? I can't resurrect her for him, Ted, all I can do is be there for him and right now that means giving him some space."_

"Fine," Ted conceded, "But I'm bringing Robin."

 _"Go ahead. See you soon."_ Marshall hung up on him before he had the chance to say anything back.

"Ted...I don't know if I should go," Robin finally spoke up again.

"No, you don't know if you want to go. It might be too uncomfortable for you so you want to pretend like not going would be in Barney's best interest."

"Ted!" Robin shouted, sobbing now. "That's not fair! That's not true!"

Ted felt a sting of guilt. Of course it wasn't. He was projecting. He didn't want to go. It was entirely plausible that he never wanted to see Barney again, because he had no idea how to handle this situation. He was the one who had been through a similar trial, the one most equipped to deal with it, but still he was at a lost. Tracy's death was different; Ted kept it together for Penny and Luke and he clung to them in like. They had each other, and so, as bad as it got he knew that it could get better. That his beautiful children needed him now more than ever, so he had a reason to be strong and keep going. But Barney didn't have that reason, he might never have any reason ever again. How was Ted supposed to look him in the eyes knowing that there was no hope for him of things ever getting better? That it would never be okay again? "You're right, I'm sorry," he whispered, accidentally sounding hollow rather than genuine. "If you don't think you should come then that's fine."

Robin wiped at the wet spaces below her eyes and shook her head. "No, you're right," she echoed, "I need to go. I'll never forgive myself if I don't."

"Okay," Ted mumbled back, "Do you mind if I call Penny? I need to tell her and Luke I'm not coming home right now." Robin nodded her head and Ted once more pressed the phone button and called out his voice command.

 _"Dad?"_ Penny. It was impossible for him to keep from picturing her getting slammed into by a car and broken into a bloody mass of bone and muscle over and over again. He couldn't imagine the horror. He wanted to vomit just thinking about it.

"Hi, darling." He sounded like he had exhausted his vocal chords and his voice came out scratchy and small.

 _"Are you ok? Are you still with Aunt Robin?"_

"Yeah, she's in the car with me."

"Hi, Penny," Robin whispered, solemn as a stone.

 _"Aunt Robin!"_ Penny squealed, gleefully, _"How are you?"_

Robin glanced at Ted, her mouth hanging half open-half closed. "Penny," he said, taking over to relieve Robin of the burden of answering, "I'm not going to be home for awhile, maybe not all day."

 _"Oh gosh, dad! Eww. Serious eww. But I guess that means it's going well, huh?"_

"No, Penny, that's not...we're going to Marshall and Lily's house."

 _"Oh, why? Hey! Can Luke and I come? I want to see Aunt Robin and Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall! And Daisy and Holly! It's been awhile, and plus I'm really not in the mood to work on my chem homework."_

"No, Penny, this isn't a casual visit, you know how Aunt Lily called you crying?"

 _"Oh yeah, right. I forgot all about that."_

"Well, something happened..." he paused, wishing that Lily had just broken the news to her when she called. He didn't want to have to do this. He hated the sound of Penny crying more than anything else in the world, it broke his heart anew each and every time he heard it. So he procrastinated. "Is Luke there with you?"

 _"Umm...no, I think he's in his room."_

"Okay, would you go get him, then?"

 _"Sure..."_ The line went silent for a moment save for the sound of shuffling clothing, footsteps, knocking, and creaking. _"Luke! Dad's on the phone! Here I'll put it on speaker phone...ok, dad, we're both here now."_

 _"Hey, dad,"_ he heard his son saying in the background.

 _"So what's going on, dad? Why the non-casual visit?"_ Penny questioned, her voice taking on a more serious note than before.

"Penny, Luke...Ellie was just hit by a car." He ripped off the Band-Aid with the speed and precision of a drunk paratrooper. He mentally winced, wishing he had come up with a more eloquent way to spill the beans. "She died," he quickly added, cringing more as he realized he was making it even worse.

There was that sound; that terrible, gut-wrenching sound of Penny's sobs flooding through the car speakers. "Are you serious?" she whispered in-between sobbing fits.

 _"Wait, what?"_ Luke gaped, obviously shocked.

"I know, I know. It's awful, guys. I know," Ted said unable to think of anything more comforting or intelligent to say.

 _"No!"_ Penny suddenly shouted, _"It's not fair that you get to go see everyone, I want to go see everyone! I need to..."_

 _"Yeah, dad, Penny's right. You can't leave us alone with this,"_ Luke mumbled, awed.

Ted glanced at Robin who merely nodded her head and whispered, "We should swing by and get them." But Ted was sick of his children being in the midst of the heavy cloud of death and grief. They had had more than their fair share of sorrow in their short lives and he didn't want them to have to be exposed to anymore. He should have just pretended that he was staying out late with Robin...that the world was fine and not unraveling at the seams all over again.

But they knew now, reality was already swaddling them and now he had no choice but to give in to their singular request. "Ok, fine. Penny, Luke, Aunt Robin and I are coming to get you, get dressed and ready we'll be there in ten," he fell silent for a moment before remembering to frantically add, "I love you! Love you..."

 _"Love you too, dad,"_ they both chimed in unison, before breaking the call.

The drive wound up taking fifteen minutes, but at least the kids were dressed, groomed, and waiting on the porch. They were both staring down at their feet but they perked up when they heard his car pull into the driveway. They made haste getting into the car and less than a minute later they were en-route to Marshall and Lily's home again.

"Hi, Aunt Robin," Penny whispered; she was much calmer now than she had been on the phone, but she still sniffled in-between every word. Both Penny and Luke's eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. It had been awhile since he had seen their eyes so puffy. It took him back to the sleepless nights where the three of them had sat in his big bed sipping hot chocolate, snuggling against the blankets, and struggling in vain to keep Tracy alive by swapping quirky stories in her memory.

"Hello, Penny. Hello, Luke," Robin greeted back, a veneer of cheer encircling her words.

"So, dad, where's Uncle Barney?" Luke asked as the car came to a momentary stop in front of a red light.

"He's with Marshall and Lily, that's why we're going there," Ted answered, matter-of-factly.

"Is he...okay?" Penny asked, gazing uneasily at her father through the side-view window.

"I don't know, Pen'." Their tired attempts at conversation died then and there and not another word was spoken until Ted parked the car against the curb of their destination. Robin was the first one to get out of the car and Ted quickly followed after her. Penny and Luke trailed behind them, seemingly anxious and apprehensive now despite how adamant they had been to be allowed to come initially.

Ted was the one to knock on the door, and before his children even had the chance to join him and Robin on the porch it had swung open and he was swept up in Lily's enthusiastic embrace. "Finally," she whispered against the loose fabric of his faded black hoodie. As she released him her gaze moved to Robin and her hug soon followed suit.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I wish I had come sooner." Ted slipped past Lily and Robin and into the living room as he spoke.

"It's not me you need to apologize to, Ted," Lily grumbled, her voice bearing an affectionately familiar notch of judgement.

"I know," he answered, shrugging her obstinacy off as best he could. "Is he still in your room?"

By now Lily had her arms wrapped around Penny and Luke but she nodded her head and glanced over her shoulder at him as she said, "Yeah, he is. He's been in there alone since we got home. I'm really worried about him."

"Should I go...knock on the door or something?"

Lily nodded again, "If he's going to talk to anyone right now it'll be you."

Ted felt a peculiar cocktail of guilt and pride bubble up in the pit of his stomach. On one hand it felt good to know how much he still meant to Barney, but on the other hand it hurt him to know how badly he had screwed up. Barney still seemed to consider him his best friend, but yet Ted hadn't really been there for him at all lately. Ever since he had realized that his old feelings for Robin were coming back with a vengeance he had actually gone out of his way to avoid Barney altogether. It just felt too awkward being around him, knowing that he was one step away from captivating the love of Barney's life, who, despite his best efforts, had slipped out of his grasp only three years after their nuptials.

Ted had a chance to make up for that now, though, and he was prepared to give it his all. Whatever Barney needed he would deliver.

He began his procession up the staircase, but was halted by the sound of Marshall's voice booming below him. He glanced down and Marshall halfheartedly waved at him, he half-heartedly waved back. Ted knew he should probably go down and greet him, but he was afraid that if he did he would lose his resolve, so he just kept on walking.

Soon he found himself standing in front of Marshall and Lily's bedroom, the door looming large before him. He tapped his knuckles roughly against the wood and called out, "Barney, it's me, Ted!" There was no reply for a solid twenty seconds and Ted felt himself begin to perspire. "Barney!?" he tried again.

To his great surprise, and relief, the door finally opened and there he was, _Barney_. The light in the room was off and the curtains were drawn so it was difficult to distinguish his facial features, but Ted could discern that he had only recently ceased crying from the way his cheeks shone in the low light. He was wearing a suit, Ted could see that much, but he was lacking a tie and his shirt was half unbuttoned. He didn't say anything as he took a few backwards steps and sat down on the bed, staring at Ted expectantly like he was waiting for some grand sermon to spill out of his lips that would suddenly make everything make sense again. Ted regretted having no such speech to offer him.

"Hey," Ted's voice broke on his first word and he knew then and there that he was useless. He couldn't deliver whatever Barney needed, he couldn't even come up with anything remotely comforting to say. He moved deeper into the room, letting the door swing shut behind him, and then he sat down next to Barney, acting as cautious as if he were approaching a wounded wildebeest. "Barney, I...I'm so sorry." _God. Could he sound anymore pathetic?_ _I'm sorry? A hell of a lot of good that's going to do._

"Ted, do you remember last year when you went with me to pick out birthday presents forher and I told you that she really wanted a clarinet but I didn't want to get her one because I thought clarinets were loud and obnoxious so I bought her that laptop instead?" Ted nodded his head anxiously, wondering what he was trying to get at. "I should have bought her that damn clarinet, Ted. I'm an idiot."

Ted tilted his head to the side, trying his best to ignore his perplexity. It felt odd to him that Barney would bother telling such an insignificant story at a time like this, but then again he had never understood the inner workings of Barney's brain, and he wondered why he thought that today should be any different. "She liked that laptop, Barney, I know she did."

"Maybe, but not as much as she would have liked the clarinet. I disappointed her but she was too adorable to nag at me about it."

"I really doubt that she was all that upset, Barney..."

"I planned to make it up to her...I umm...I bought a clarinet last Wednesday, a really, really nice one. I wanted to surprise her with it for her birthday this year...," he paused again, and Ted finally risked slinging his arms around his shoulders and pulling his friend closer to him. Barney tensed up for a moment, before he gave in to the show of comfort and let his head drop down onto Ted's shoulder. "I didn't know that she wasn't going to have any more birthdays, Ted. Now I have a clarinet in a box in the back of my closet and she's never going to get to play it. God, Ted, I wanted so badly for her to shatter my eardrums with that stupid, obnoxious instrument."

"She couldn't have had a better father," Ted whispered, certain that he really meant it. Barney had been an incredible dad, he really had. For the last ten years he had focused on nothing but being a good dad, and now here he was, suddenly not a dad at all anymore.

"Oh, really, Ted?" Barney mused, faux amusement in his tone. He laughed humorously as he whispered, "Would the father of the year let his daughter get run over by a fucking car?"

"Barney!" Ted exclaimed, jolted and disoriented by the fact that he would say such an unquestionably terrible thing. "You didn't _let_ her get run over!"

"You weren't there."

"Okay, no. But I'm not an idiot, Barney. You didn't let her get run over! This isn't your fault!"

"I always knew that something like this would happen. Who was I kidding trying to be a dad? I should've just told Jackie to give her up for adoption. She probably would have gotten adopted by a cute married couple in a suburb somewhere who wouldn't stop to watch their ex's news broadcast while she whined at him that she wanted to get home and he ignored her so she started crossing the street by herself but there was a taxi coming and then when he finally stopped watching Robin and turned around it was already too late and it was about to slam into her and she screamed and he watched uselessly from the sidelines as her tiny little body crumpled to the ground..." Barney was out of breath by the time he finished rambling, but somehow he still had enough energy left to cry. And he cried. And cried. And cried. Right there on Ted's shoulder, he came undone.

With that timeline in mind Ted knew that Robin must've been getting home from work to find him waiting for her at her apartment around the same time that Ellie was being admitted into the ER, and that Robin and him were probably crawling into her bed together just as Barney was being delivered the news that his daughter's heart had stopped. Ted felt like a monster; a snake in the grass unworthy of having Barney's tears cascade down onto the sleeve of his shirt. His first thought was that Robin had been right, she definitely shouldn't have come; Barney definitely couldn't be allowed to see her. "Barney, you loved her more than any adoptive parents ever could, this could have happened to anyone."

Barney managed to stop sobbing long enough to scoff at him, "Oh, please. Tell that to James, he's right downstairs. Eli and Sadie are both still alive and old enough to vote. I couldn't even keep Ellie alive long enough for her to hit double digits."

Ted didn't know what to say to that, really he was just improvising, and he was more than a little worried that he was doing a terrible job at it. Barney seemed to be misinterpreting everything he was saying and he feared he was just making things worse. "It's not like you've failed fatherhood or something, Barney. It's just that the world's a shitty place where unexpected, shitty things happen that no one could possibly have ever accounted for."

"Ted, this isn't like Tracy getting cancer, this could have easily been prevented." Ted wasn't surprised that Barney had brought up Tracy, he had been mentally prepping himself for such a comment since he walked into the room. What he was surprised about was that Barney was completely right. Ted had never had to feel at all responsible for Tracy's death. Sure there were off moments here and there where he cursed himself for not seeing the future and dragging her to the hospital back when her tumor was the size of a harmless raisin, but rationally he always knew that there was nothing he could have done. He had been there for her every step of the way, and through it all he could take comfort in that fact. Barney had no such luxury. Getting run over _was_ completely different than getting cancer. Try as Ted might, they both knew, rationally, that had Barney made a different decision, had he not gotten distracted and ignored Ellie, she would still be alive. Of course, to Ted it was clear that this didn't mean that Barney was responsible for her death, but to Barney it did and that was what mattered. "Do you think it was Ellie's fault she got hit?" Ted asked suddenly smashing through the heavy silence that had formed around them.

Barney took his head off of Ted's shoulder and met his gaze with wide-eyed bewilderment. "Wha...? Ted, no, it wasn't her fault, how could you even ask me that?"

Ted smiled weakly at Barney and whispered, "Ellie could still be alive if she had looked before she crossed the street or if she had waited for you, if you want to blame yourself then you're going to have to blame her too."

Barney rolled his eyes at Ted, and solemnly shook his head. "But I'm fifty-four and she's nine." He bowed his head to place his palms over his eyes and sighed, breathing out a tired, " _Was_. She _was_ nine."

Ted gently placed a hand on his back, watching his shoulders shake up and down as he once again surrendered to his bereavement.

Ted shifted uncomfortably on the bed as his eyes caught sight of the blaring digital clock on the nightstand behind him. It was already half past five. _How the hell had that happened? Where did three o'clock go?_ He wondered what was going on downstairs and if the atmosphere down there was as suffocating as the one upstairs.

Barney soon calmed down again and took to silently studying the carpet, seemingly entranced by it. "Barney, are you hungry?" Ted finally asked, praying that he would say yes so that they could get the hell out of this dark, dreary room with its ugly green carpet and blinding alarm clock.

Barney seemed caught off guard by the sound of his voice, and he glanced over his shoulder with an expression of genuine surprise on his face as though he had forgotten that Ted had been sitting there right next to him for over two hours. Or maybe he was just perplexed by the alien concept of hunger. "Oh...," he mumbled, "No. I think I'd probably puke if I tried to eat, to be honest," he paused before begrudgingly tacking on, "But you go ahead."

Ted wasn't really very hungry, either, but he wanted to check on Penny and Luke so he nodded his head and rose to his feet. "Come on, Barney," he prompted, "They're all here for you."

"I don't like pity."

"No one does."

Their eyes met and Ted knew that Barney recognized that he understood him perfectly. Ted had gotten more than his fair share of pity when he lost Tracy, and he knew just how uncomfortable and humiliating well-meaning gestures and soft spoken words could be. Even Barney had treated him with a frustrating amount of tenderness back then. He knew well how difficult it would be for Barney to climb down those stairs and be met with a dozen pairs of sympathetic eyes, but he also knew that it was something that he had to do. Pity was unavoidable, people would be handling him with kid-gloves for months, maybe years to come, so he might as well start getting used to it now.

"Come on," Ted beckoned once more, and this time Barney complied. Ted took care to shut the door behind them, having seen enough of Marshall and Lily's bedroom for a lifetime.

As they made their way through the hallway past all the carefully framed and hanged Eriksen family photos, Ted abruptly remembered that Robin was downstairs and that he had sworn to himself that he would not under any circumstances expose Barney to her. "Oh crap," he silently mouthed as he watched Barney step down on the top step of the staircase. "Wait!" he shouted, vocalizing his distress.

Barney spun around to face him, obviously caught off guard. "What?"

"I um...I need to..." His brain was a frozen block of ice. He couldn't think of a single excuse to bypass Barney and run down the stairs ahead of him. They were all screwed. "I need to get something from my car but I don't want you to have to go down there by yourself so why don't I just go get that thing and then I'll come back up and we can walk back down together? Ok? Ok, great."

"Ted, what?"

Ted slipped past Barney on the staircase and put his hand up to stop Barney from walking any farther. "Just wait for me, Barney, ok, please. Trust me that I have a good reason for this, alright?"

Barney shrugged his shoulders and set his hand down on the railing. "What do I care?" he mused, gesturing for Ted to go on ahead. He smiled at him, nodded his head, and dashed down the staircase.

"Ted, hey, what was that about?" Marshall asked, meeting him at the bottom, obviously having been eavesdropping on his conversation at the top.

"Where's Robin?" Ted whispered.

Marshall pointed behind him, back towards the living room. "She's in there talking to James."

Ted wordlessly drifted towards the living room, clamming up once he caught sight of Robin. She and James were sitting next to each other on one of the plush blue couches decorating the room, their heads bent together and their lips moving as they engaged in an extraordinarily quiet chit-chat. Ted watched them for a brief moment before making his way over to them and saying, "Hey, Robin, can I talk to you outside for a second?"

Robin looked caught off guard but she smiled at him and nodded her head, standing up and walking out the front door before he even had a chance to get there himself. He met her on the porch and the door slammed shut behind them, giving them the privacy that he had intended for them to have during this conversation. "Robin, I don't know how to say this, but you really can't be here right now," he stated bluntly.

"Hold on, what? Why?" She was already noticeably ticked, and Ted bristled at the way her eyes seemed to bore through his skull.

"I don't think that it's really my place to tell you, Robin."

"Tell me."

Ted really didn't think that it was his place, not at all. He didn't want to recount the events leading up to Ellie's death and he didn't want to allude to the fact that Barney obviously still had feelings for Robin after all of these years just like he did. "Robin, please. Just trust me, it would be for the best." Ted wished that she would be as easy as Barney, wished she would shrug and say, _"What do I care?",_ but she didn't.

"No, Ted, just tell me. This isn't fair, I want to see him!" she shouted, clenching her fists as her eyes began to tear up again.

"I know, Robin, but he can't see you right now, it wouldn't be good for him."

"Why? Spit it out!"

"He told me that he was watching your broadcast on one of the screens in the city when umm...you know, when Ellie was hit. She wanted to go home but he got caught up in watching you and so she went on alone and...got hit by a taxi."

"Oh," she whispered, her tears beginning to roll. "Oh, well, then that's it, huh?"

"That's what?"

"He hates me."

"Hold on, what story did you just listen to?"

"Forever, always, I'm just going to remind him of what happened. I wanted to be there for him but now I'm nothing but a guilt trip from him, right?"

"It won't be that way forever, Robin, just give him today."

"Did he tell you that he didn't want to see me?" she questioned, her voice higher pitched than usual, warped by a tune of desperation.

"No, but Robin..."

"Then how do you know!? Maybe you're wrong, maybe he was just watching my broadcast because it was an interesting one last night; the Pope, he, um..." she paused, shaking her head and pinching the bridge of her nose as she mumbled, "God, Barney doesn't care about the Pope at all, does he?"

"I'm going to have to go with a no. The most religious thing he's ever done is pee on a church."

"So, what, should I just...call an Uber or something?"

"I think so."

"Ted, I know that I'm being a selfish bitch here, but I can't just go home! How am I supposed to sit alone at my apartment knowing that everyone is here with him except for me!?" She glanced anxiously towards the front door before meeting Ted's gaze again. "I have to see him, Ted. Even if he doesn't want to see me, I can't leave without seeing him.

Ted bit his bottom lip and shrugged his shoulders, sighing. "I guess I can't stop you, but if he's upset don't say I didn't warn you!"

"I won't!" she called, already halfway through the doorway.

Ted followed her and had scaled the stairs ten seconds later. Barney was sitting on the top step, his head on his hands and his elbows on his knees, like a bored kid waiting for his parents to pick him up from soccer practice.

"Geez, Ted, did you forget that you left me waiting up here?"

"Of course not. I'm proud of you for waiting so patiently." Ted extended his hand out to Barney and he took it so Ted helped him to his feet and once again began their short journey to the first level of the house.

"Yeah, well I hope that you were able to get that "thing" from your "car"," Barney mumbled, doing quotation marks with his fingers to punctuate his speech.

Ted opened his mouth to reply, but quickly snapped it closed as his eyes took in the scene before him. Barney was frozen at the bottom of the staircase with Robin standing right in front of him. "Hi, Barney," she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist and resting her head against his chest.

"Robin," he whispered back, bringing his arms up to return the hug. "It's really good to see you." He glanced at Ted from over his shoulder mid-embrace and asked, "Is this what you were getting from your car?" Ted opened his mouth to say no but Barney cut him off as he turned his attention back to Robin and said, "This is awesome, I can't believe you're here." He sounded like he meant it, and Ted couldn't have been more surprised. He wondered how he had managed to be so far off the money.

"What? Of course I'm here, Barney," Robin said, so casual that Ted could almost forget he had tried to talk her into not being here mere seconds earlier. He felt a sharp prick of guilt pierce his soul again, and as Robin whispered, "I wish you had called me," and Barney mumbled back, "Oh, believe me, I wanted to," he wondered once more if his actions had really had Barney's best interests in mind. Maybe Robin wasn't the selfish one here. He once again, felt awful. He was an awful friend, and awful person too, maybe. Just awful.

Things grew awkward once the pair stepped away from each other. Robin was studying him with deep, pity-filled eyes and Barney was squirming uncomfortably under their scrutiny. Ted left them standing there, figuring that Barney would be fine under Robin's charge for a while. He strolled into the kitchen thinking that he would likely find his children in there; he was right.

Lily was bent over the oven inspecting some sort of quiche cooking within and Marshall was standing next to her, a bag of chips in his hands. Penny, Luke, Daisy, and Holly were all sitting on the counter together, their legs swinging over the side.

Penny smiled when she spotted her father and jumped off the counter to greet him. She started interrogating right of the bat, "How'd it go?" she questioned.

"Good. I think," Ted shrugged and gestured behind him, "I don't know, he's talking to Robin in the hallway right now, so I guess that's good."

Lily, now distracted from her quiche, spun around with wide-eyes and clapped her hands in front of her. "That's great, Ted! You got him to leave our bedroom! Now maybe we can even talking him into eating dinner with us."

"Nah, I don't think so, he said he'd vomit if he ate anything right now. I can't blame him."

Lily seemed upset for a brief moment, but she quickly shook off her disappoint and her smokescreen smile reappeared. "Me neither," she whispered, turning back towards the oven as her façade began to crack once more.

The kitchen door swung open and James strolled in with Robin and Barney trailing behind him, walking so closely that their shoulders chafed with every step. Ted cursed his instinctual jealousy, frantically trying to remind himself that now was definitely not the time for such pettiness.

The room was absurdly quiet for a cramp kitchen packed with nine people. Marshall, Lily, and the children were all staring at Barney with the concern-filled eyes he had confessed to hating. Finally, Lily shouted, "I baked a spinach quiche!" obviously desperate to sidestep the elephant in the room.

"Ooh, nice, it's been too long since I've eaten your cooking, Lily," Robin politely remarked whilst trying to reward Lily for her valiant attempt at small-talk.

"It smells wonderful," James added, nodding and smiling.

Ted wrinkled his nose, very nearly creeped out by the scene playing out in front of him. Sure, they were doing what they thought best, but carrying on like this wouldn't end well for anyone, least of all Barney. They couldn't ignore the bleakness of their gathering, it was ridiculous and discourteous to even attempt to. Ted wanted to put a stop to it, to come to Barney's rescue and get everyone to remove their kid-gloves at once, but when he opened his mouth to do so he just wound up asking, "So, how much longer until we can dig into it?"

"I think it's probably ready now," Lily answered, as she donned oven mitts and peeked inside. "The table's set if you want to move into the dining room."

So they did.

They all arranged themselves around the Erikson's long polished wooden table like it was a regular holiday gathering or birthday party. Ted wound up sitting in-between his son and daughter. Barney was directly across the table from him, in-between Marshall and Robin. Ted could tell from the repetitive scratching of his thumb nail across the edge of the table that Barney was just going with the flow. He hadn't suddenly worked up an appetite, the thought of food no doubt still made him nauseous, but he had gotten himself trapped and now he had no way to get out of eating dinner with the eight of them. Ted, who wanted to redeem himself for his failure to take action back in the kitchen, decided that he was going to give him an out. He stood up, the sound of his chair scraping against the floorboards drawing attention to his crusade, and announced, "No offense, Marshall, but it's really hot in here. Stop skimping with the air conditioning, it's almost summer. I'm going to go outside and cool off for a second."

Luckily, Barney took the cue. And stood up as well. "Yeah, um...I'm going to go with Ted," he mumbled, hurrying out of the room before Ted even had a chance to take a step towards the door. Lily was still in the kitchen, halfway between slicing a carrot and tossing a salad. She turned around to face Ted as he walked into the room. "He ran away," she mused, grinning ever-so-slightly.

"He was overwhelmed," Ted quickly explained, trying his best to smile back.

Lily nodded. "Oh, I know. I think we all are, to some extent."

"Yeah, you're right."

Ted was about to escape out the door, but as he pushed it open Lily called after him. "Wait, Ted..."

"Yeah, Lil'?"

"You know how I have a reputation as the wise, motherly one in the group?"

He nodded his head, because, well, she wasn't wrong. Everyone had gone to Lily for advice at one time or another. She might not be able to keep a secret, but she was a better listener than the rest of them put together. "I don't think I deserve that reputation. I'm so bad at this, Ted! It hurts so bad to see him like this and I have no idea how to help him..."

Ted smiled at her and whispered, "I think we all feel that way, to some extent."

"But you seem to know what he needs, Ted," she argued. Ted almost laughed, she couldn't know just how wrong she was.

"Lily, please, this isn't a competition, and if it was you'd already have the trophy. You were with him at the hospital all night, I can't even imagine how difficult that must've been, or how much he must appreciate it. Hell, Lily, you've been a better friend to him than I have for a pretty long time now."

She looked taken aback by his words, and rightfully so, even he was caught off guard by how passionate his outburst had been. "Ted, that's not true. You're the one he wanted to see most today, you're obviously still a better friend to him than anyone; he adores you."

"And yet it took me over twelve hours to come through for him," he paused, his eyes swiveling down to stare at the tile floor as he whispered, "When I got in that stupid little cab accident in 07' he got hit by a freaking bus running to see me! But when his daughter gets hit by a cab I casually swing by the next day once I'm done banging his ex-wife?" He whispered the last few words, ashamed. He was terrified of meeting Lily's eyes. He shouldn't have told her, but he knew, unspoken as it was, that Lily was privy to what he and Robin had been doing, and he had felt the need to give her his confessional. He thought it would make him feel better, sluff the guilt off his chest; he was wrong. All he had done was embarrassed himself and called attention to the full weight of his wrongdoings.

He still hadn't glanced up once when he felt Lily's small, thin arms snake around his waist. "Oh, Ted. You deserve to be happy. If Robin makes you happy, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. And if you had known right away what happened last night you would have ran to Barney's side too, I know you would have."

Lily really was the wise, motherly one. It was incredible how she always, without fail, knew just what to say. She was right. It was a comforting thought for Ted to know that she was right and that he would have driven to the hospital ASAP had he known. He wanted to be a good friend, and that had to count for something, right?

He let her hold him in her arms until his breathing slowed and his heart-rate fell steady. Finally he slid out of her embrace and whispered, "I need to go check on him. And you, you need to go dish out that quiche."

"Do you want a plate, Ted?"

He smiled at her and shook his head. "I'm with Barney on the whole feeling kinda nauseous thing. And I really don't want to make myself throw up, I'm vomit free since 23'."

Lily rolled her eyes at him, "Not as impressive as 93', Ted."

"Hey, one day it will be, Lily. I just need to keep it up."

"Okay, good luck. I'll be rooting for you," she mumbled as she returned to her salad tossing, carrot cutting duties.

Ted smiled at her back before he spun around and made his way into the living room and out the front door. Barney was standing on the porch, his arms resting on the banister as he stared out into the quiet, evening street. He quickly glanced at Ted when he joined him and then turned his attention back to the road. "Thanks for calling Robin, Ted," he remarked without so much as looking in his direction.

Ted felt another small dose of shame course through his veins at the fact that Barney assumed that he had called Robin, and didn't have the slightest clue that they had been together at the time. He wondered how Barney would be treating him if he knew the truth. "No, problem, buddy," Ted replied, fighting to keep his voice from wavering nervously. "I'm just relieved that you're glad to see her, I wasn't sure if you would be."

Barney didn't respond to him and they were swiftly enveloped in the cadence of crickets and the tucked-in quiet of a lazy suburban neighborhood. The laughter of children drifted in from somewhere out of sight. Ted found it to be rather morose and wrong somehow. It didn't seem right that children were playing and the sun was shining. Suddenly he missed being holed up in that dark, depressing bedroom.

"I'm always glad to see her," Barney finally whispered, startling Ted who had long forgotten the conversation they had abandoned nearly five minutes before. Ted didn't know what to say to that, he assumed that anything he said would be wrong. So, he resolved to say nothing, to let Barney's words blow away into the warm breeze like the eerie laughter of children. Barney didn't seem to care that he had been ignored, he simply continued to stare out into the street, falling back into comfortable silence.

They stood outside together so long that the children ceased playing and the sun began to retire. It was still nice out, but the air had developed a slight chill that caused Barney to shiver ever-so-slightly and rub his hands up and down against the thin sleeves of his button up shirt. Ted stripped himself of his hoodie without even stopping to consider what he was doing. He awkwardly thrust the hoodie at Barney, who shot him a confused glance that quickly gave way to a grateful nod of his head. Ted was now cold himself, but that was fine, because he'd much rather be chilly and uncomfortable than watch Barney shiver. The front door opened up behind them and light flooded the porch.

"Barney, you've been out here for a century!" James shouted walking out and letting the door hang open behind him.

"What time is it?" Ted asked, eyeing Barney with a sense of discontent as his friend hadn't even bothered to turn and face his older brother.

"Almost eight," James answered, walking closer until he was standing directly behind Barney.

"Wow!" Ted exclaimed in amazement. Time just kept slipping past him. He hadn't a clue where it had gone. "I can't believe we've been out here that long."

"Yeah, and it's getting pretty damn cold too, Ted, you look like you're freezing."

Ted looked at James and shook his head, feeling slightly ticked. He didn't want Barney to try to give him his jacket back. He needn't worry, though, Barney was still seemingly completely out of it. Ted began to worry that he was getting worse rather than better. As long as he had known Barney, he had never known him to be this quiet. Barney was never quiet. He hadn't thought Barney could even do quiet.

James had picked up on Barney's increasingly odd behavior, as well, and he rested his hand on his shoulder as he tried to pull him back into reality. "Barney..."

Barney finally glanced over his shoulder at him. "Are you leaving?" he whispered.

To Ted's surprise, he nodded his head. "Yeah, unfortunately, I am. I need to get back to Tom and Sadie."

Barney absentmindedly nodded his head "Ok, James. Thanks for coming." His words lacked any and all emotion, and from the way James visibly winced it was beyond apparent that his brother's callousness stung. Ted was fairly certain that Barney's disinterest was nothing personal, but James seemed to have taken it as such.

"Yeah," he mumbled, "It's been good seeing you, bro, I love you." James smiled at his younger brother and pulled him into a tight, determined embrace.

Barney hugged him back and whispered a soft, "Love you too, bro," that seemed to set James' mind at ease.

James slipped off the porch and away into the night, leaving Barney and Ted alone once again with the front door now wide open behind them. Ted guessed that someone else would come out to retrieve them soon and his prediction was verified once Luke stepped out onto the porch with them. Ted was relieved to see him, for some reason he had been expecting Robin to make an unwanted appearance. "Dad," Luke started, his eyes nervously shifting back and forth between his father and his grieving "uncle".

"Yeah, son?" Ted asked trying his best to convey comfort with his tone of voice.

"Aunt Lily said that we can stay here for the night if we want..."

"Do you want?"

Luke shrugged his shoulders and irresolutely mumbled, "I don't care."

Ted's eyes met Barney's and he hesitantly asked, "Are you staying here?"

Barney shrugged his shoulders, perfectly mirroring Luke's gesture, before whispering, "To be honest I want to go home." There was something much deeper in his confession, something that caused the blood within Ted's veins to run cold. Ted knew immediately that this was one request of Barney's that he certainly could not cater to. He hadn't a clue what Barney would do if he were left alone right now, and he really didn't want to find out.

"Barney...How bout' I drive you to our house and you can stay with me for a while?"

Barney shook his head, his eyes hard as he spat out, "Ted. It's so not your choice."

"It wouldn't be healthy for you to go home, Barney. Don't force yourself to undergo that kind of stress."

"Ted, I like my apartment, okay?" Barney sardonically fumed, his tone growing harsher with each word.

"Then, I'll stay with you," Ted offered, his words spilling out so quickly he didn't have time to filter them or consider the repercussions they could bear.

Barney's eyes softened and he wordlessly stared at his best friend for a few transient seconds. "You're a good friend, Ted."

"So are you, Barney. I love you. Let me help you, or at least...let me try." Ted's cheeks were moist by the time his mouth shut. It wasn't difficult to say those three words to Barney. They had been through more than enough together. In that moment he wasn't even quite sure that those three words could properly convey just what he felt for the grief-stricken man standing before him. Once Ted had wiped his tears enough for his vision to clear up a bit, he realized that Barney, too, had been brought to tears again. Even Luke was a smidge misty-eyed and red-nosed.

"Okay," Barney finally droned, "Help me."

Ted was worried that his heartstrings had audibly snapped. He couldn't decide whether he hated seeing Barney so vulnerable or if he found it to be marginally comforting. Perhaps it was an uneven cocktail of both. He was glad that Barney was at last conceding to his care, but he also wished that he didn't have to. It also occurred to him that he now had a lot riding on him. He would keep his word, he would try to help Barney, but really that was all he could do, and he was more than concerned that it wouldn't be enough. Despite this, however, he simply stated, "I will," conveying far more confidence than he felt, as he decisively pulled Barney into his arms.

* * *

 **Such a long chapter. I wanted to divide it into a few different chapters to make it easier to read, but I wrote it as one and I think that's the way it needed to be. I actually wrote all the chapters to be 10,000 words long like this one, but I think I am going to divide most of them up. Anywho, a few random notes, Jackie is the name I gave #31, that was probably confusing, but I couldn't think of a way to naturally slip that explanation in, so here you go. Also, I know they're supposed to have holographic phones by now, but I can't be bothered to add that in to this fic, so meh.**

 **This project has taken me a really long time and is more than double the word count of anything else I've written, so, from the bottom of my heart thank you to anyone who read this first chapter, and an even bigger thank you to anyone who plans to keep reading. Please leave a review or give it a follow, as that would make me extremely happy.**


	2. Easier Said

Ted's car was past the point of cramped with the five of them all squished up together in it. Robin had sacrificed shotgun to Barney and was now snuggled-up between Penny and Luke, doing her best to tap into her limited reserves of maternal instincts. Barney was staring absentmindedly out the window and Ted tapped on the steering wheel a few times hoping to draw his attention. It didn't work, so he opted for clearing his throat and asking, "So you're okay with staying at my house right?"

He moodily shrugged and mumbled, "Guess so."

"It'll be nice," Ted promised, glancing away from the road to gage Barney's expression. He didn't look like he believed him.

The car came to a stop in front of Robin's apartment a few brief seconds later. "Thank you for giving me a ride home, Ted," she said from her spot in the backseat. Luke opened his door and stepped out onto the pavement so that she now had the means to do the same.

"Of course," Ted replied, trying to play it casual. He really didn't want Barney to detect that there was anything between them. She began to slide out of her seat but before she stepped out the door she leaned her head against the side of Ted's headrest and whispered, "Can I come to your house tomorrow?"

Ted met her gaze and carefully nodded his head. "Yeah, go ahead."

"You don't need to do that, Robin," Barney interrupted, evidently having been eavesdropping on their conversation.

Robin smiled at him and shook her head. "But I'm going to, because you're...," she paused, seemingly daunted by the task of trying to tie up that sentence. He was what? Her old friend that she went to extraordinary lengths to avoid? Her ex-husband she did her best to stay amicable with but was ultimately uncomfortable around? Ted couldn't blame her for the cat that had caught her tongue. Barney studied her with expectant eyes and Ted wondered just what it was that he wanted her to say. My best friend? The love of my life? Maybe at one time those things were true, but Ted thought Barney might just be delusional enough to think that they still were. Then again, in that moment Ted was more than slightly concerned that her residual feelings for Barney superseded her newly rekindled feelings for him.

"You're just so important to me, Barney, I need you to be okay," she finally finished, her voice so soft it was hardly audible as she gently set a hand on his arm.

Barney's features gave Ted no indication that he was disappointed by her vagueness. "Okay is a stretch, but I'll try," he whispered back, placing his hand on top of hers.

Robin intertwined his fingers with hers and they stayed liked that for a moment before she let go of his hand and hopped out of the car. "See you guys tomorrow!" She shouted as Luke crawled back into the car and slammed the door shut behind him.

Ted watched her stroll up to the front door of her apartment building before he set the car back into motion. "Are you still in love with her?" At first he didn't even realize that he had said the words out loud. He had wanted an answer so badly that the question inside his head had demanded to be released and slithered right out of his mouth without any warning.

To his surprise Barney didn't look too troubled by the question. "Probably, I think I always will be."

Ted caught sight of Penny's wide, bewildered eyes and mentally reprimanded himself. He had completely forgotten that Penny knew about his little rendezvous with Robin. Penny was almost as bad at keeping secrets as Lily and she was a bit of a gossip. Her possessing such grade A information would be extremely dangerous.

Barney had taken to silently staring out the window again, so Ted said nothing else on the matter, praying that it would be forgotten entirely. For the remainder of the drive no one spoke; the only sounds were those of the nighttime traffic and the faint melody of generic pop flooding in through the car radio.

Ted pulled into the driveway of his home at 9:34. He was exhausted by the overwhelming emotions of this day that he couldn't wait to see the end of. Luke and Penny got out of the car first and impatiently made their way inside of their house, using the key in Penny's purse to gain entrance. Once alone, Ted turned to Barney and asked, "You ready?" He nodded his head and opened the car door in reply. Ted followed suit. "You can have our guest bedroom," Ted informed Barney as he held the door open for him.

Barney nodded his head and stepped through the door. "Where is it?" he asked, taking in Ted's interior decorating like it was the first time he had ever been inside the place. "Oh, wait, Ted," he interjected, sticking his hand out in front of him to prevent Ted from answering his initial question, "I don't have clothes or like...a toothbrush or anything."

"Don't worry about it, I keep spares of everything around," Ted replied, smiling at him. "Now come on, let me show you the guestroom. I can't believe you've never slept over." He started trudging up the stairs and Barney hurriedly followed after him. Once they reached the vacant bedroom, Ted opened the door and swished his hands apart, palms facing upwards, to display it and all of its boring glory. "Ta-da," he mumbled, spinning back around to face Barney.

"Okay," was all that he said in response, as he made his way to the bed and sat down on the plain white sheets, resting his head against the wooden frame.

"Are you tired?" Ted asked, immediately realizing what a stupid question it was.

"Honestly, I might pass out."

"Go ahead."

"Thanks, Ted; glad I have your permission to lose consciousness."

"You're welcome." Ted rested his hand down on the knob of the door, twisting it back and forth as he tried to determine whether he should leave or not. Even though he knew that watching Barney 24/7 would be unfeasible, he still couldn't help but hesitate to leave him alone. Unlike Marshall, he didn't think that alone time would be good for him. He knew that after Tracy's death whenever he was alone his mind voyaged to dark places; he was constantly having to be reeled back to reality by the support system around him. "Barney, if you need anything, don't hesitate to wake me up, okay? And if your appetite comes back in the middle of the night, you know where the kitchen is. The bathroom down the hall has unused toothbrushes and tubes of toothpaste in the cabinet. You can wear whatever you want from my closet, I know you hate my taste in clothes, but hopefully you'll be able to stomach it for a while...You can stay as long as you want. And I really mean as long as you want, Barney." He finally managed to successfully shut himself up, but by the time he finished his spiel, Barney was genuinely smiling at him.

"Thanks," he said again, "I really appreciate all of this. Even your hideous clothes."

"Anytime," Ted whispered, beginning to pull the door shut behind him. "Goodnight."

"Night'," Barney whispered behind him right before the door shut with a soft clicking sound.

Once he was back in the main hallway of his home, Ted decided that he would go check on Penny and Luke. He was worried about what sort of effect the day's events had had on them.

He found them both in Luke's bedroom, huddled together on his unkempt bed whispering in voices too low for him to make out. "Kids," he said as he walked into the room, speaking more to announce his presence than for any other purpose.

Both of his children's eyes snapped up to meet his right away. "Dad," they said back, in an uneven sort of unison.

"How are you? Think you could try to get some sleep now?"

Luke shrugged his shoulders and Penny made a noncommittal sound from the back of her throat. "I guess I could try, dad," she said, pulling herself to her feet.

"Is Uncle Barney in the spare room?" Luke asked, glancing past Ted out into the hallway.

He nodded his head, "Yeah, he's exhausted."

"Well, duh," Penny mumbled, "This _is_ the worst day of his life."

"Yeah," Ted agreed, rubbing at the back of his neck as he considered her words. She circumvented him to get of the room and crossed the hall to get to her own door. "Goodnight, Penny!" He called, watching her disappear into the room. He found himself again reflecting on how it would feel to be in Barney's shoes, and he was again struck by the horror of it.

"Goodnight!" She called through the walls, throwing a blessed wrench in his morbid fantasy that she was gone forever.

"Dad...we're going to have to go to a funeral and stuff, right?" Luke asked, gloomily. Ted absentmindedly nodded, still staring at Penny's door. "I hate funerals," Luke whined.

"Tell me about it," Ted mumbled, a to-do list rapidly taking shape inside of his mind. He was going to take care of most of the preparations himself, they were a pain in the ass, and he didn't want to make Barney drudge through them alone. Though, he would certainly make him help, both so that he could have an input on each decision, and so that he would have something to occupy his mind with for a few days. He wondered if Barney would wear a suit. He wondered why he felt that it would break his heart if he did.

Suddenly he felt taxed beyond words. Exhaustion hit him like a racecar. "Anyway," he whispered, "I love you, Luke. Get to sleep."

"Fine, fine. Love you too. Goodnight." Luke waved him away as he began to lay down.

Ted thought about nagging him to change out of his clothes and brush his teeth, but he decided against it. If he was going to give his son a pass to be lazy any night, this was the night to do it. He smiled at him, flicked off his lights, and wandered back into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. Now he need to get to sleep himself. Maybe he'd even give himself a pass to be lazy and forgo brushing his teeth for the night.

* * *

He'd left his phone on all night. If anyone called him, he wanted to know about it. So when his phone went off at 6:24 AM, his generic ringtone reverberated off of the walls and roused him to consciousness. He scrambled to a sitting position and frantically yanked it off of the nightstand next to him. "Hello?" he greeted, nearly shouting the words as anxiety nestled into his chest.

"Hello," a woman said from the other line. He didn't recognize her voice. Crap, what if she was a cop or doctor or something...Was Barney still in his room? He hadn't left the house, right? "Is Louise there?"

Ted wanted to scream and cuss the women out until her ears burned fuchsia, but instead he merely mashed the button to end the call and angrily slammed his phone down on his bed. Of course, he should have been relieved that it had been a wrong call rather than another tragedy, but in the moment he was just furious that he had gotten himself so worked-up over nothing.

He was still tired and extremely tempted to go back to bed, but his stomach growled gruffly at him, and his hunger won over his exhaustion as he was drawn out of bed and down into the kitchen.

He was standing just outside of his kitchen when he heard a clanging sound emanate from within it. His heart once more jumped into his throat. He attempted to kill his paranoia by turning the corner and gazing into the room. Barney was stooping down next to the open fridge to retrieve a carton of milk that was lying on its side on the floor. He looked at Ted with startled eyes, like he been caught red-handed committing an appalling crime. "Did I wake you?" He whispered.

Ted shook his head and smiled, working to set his mind at ease. "No, not all. My phone went off and now I've realized I'm starving. You?"

"Couldn't sleep in the first place."

"I thought you were about to pass out?"

Barney snickered. "Yeah, I still am. I'm so tired I feel drunk."

"You should seriously try sleeping again."

Barney finally picked the carton up off the ground and set it back on its reserved spot on the top shelf of the fridge. As he turned to face him, Ted noted that the bags under his eyes were darker than he had ever seen them. He was still wearing Ted's hoodie and his own dirty dress slacks. "Pssh, it's not going to happen. The universe knows how badly I want to fall asleep and it really freaking hates me, so I'm screwed."

"Well, is there anything that I could do to counteract the universe and help you fall asleep?"

"Yeah, Ted, sing me a fucking lullaby," he snapped with more venom coating his voice than ever before. His tired eyes were so harsh that Ted couldn't bear to maintain eye contact with him. Immediately he sighed and whispered, "I'm so sorry, I just..."

Ted put his hand up and shook his head. "No, you don't need to apologize, it's alright. Take your anger out on me, I can take it."

Barney frowned back at him and shook his head. "No, it isn't alright," he said quickly, "I told you I hate pity, didn't I? When I'm a jackass be a jackass back! I need that normalcy, Ted!"

"Ok, sure, I can do that, ya' jackass," Ted said, nodding as he turned his attention back to the fridge. "Now what do you feel like eating? You think I should cook something for us? Waffles? Omelets? Breakfast burritos?"

"Whatever, food is food," Barney mumbled, his voice now devoid of any emotion. The emptiness of it made Ted almost miss his red-hot anger. "You sure have become quite the housewife though lately, haven't you?" Barney asked, struggling to make small-talk.

Ted shrugged and casually said, "Well I've always been a pretty decent cook if I do say so myself but yeah, I've had to up my game a tad for Penny and Luke's sakes. I didn't want them to become pasty linguine with frequent ingestion because they grew up on frozen TV dinners and top ramen, you know?"

Barney was silent and Ted looked away from the fridge, glancing over his shoulder to make sure he hadn't lost him to la-la land again. He looked like terrified and shocked, like Ted had just plunged a knife into his chest. His eyes were moist again and everything. Ted was beginning to feel fairly terrified, himself. "Hey, bro, you okay? Did I...," he paused, suddenly realizing what the problem was. "I'm kidding, TV dinners are fine. They're awesome. Tons of kids grow up on TV dinners and turn out strong and tan with healthy digestive systems." Ted put a concerned hand on his shoulder as their eyes met. It pained him to think that his words had unintentionally made Barney feel like a sucky father. As a single dad himself, he knew how important is was to feel like you were giving your children the best possible childhood. You didn't want them to miss out on anything because they were being raised by only one parent. You had to be father and mother, and Ted had to make sure that Barney knew he had done an amazing job of being both to Ellie. Home cooked meals were irrelevant.

"It doesn't matter, my daughter isn't going to grow up to be anything."

Ted's hand slid off of Barney's shoulder and fell back down to hang uselessly at his side. His mouth dropped open as he tried to think of something to say, but his brain wasn't working. It was like his synapses had been blocked and he had been rendered unable to process anything at all.

Barney had his hands over his eyes and his breaths were coming out uneven again. They were back to square one. Ted and his idiotic mouth had brought them right back to square one. He was revolted by himself.

"Barney, I'm so sorry," he finally managed to whisper, wondering if Barney would even be able to hear him over the sound of his own weeping.

Barney blindly stumbled backwards, still refusing to let Ted see his face. "I should go," he mumbled, running out of the room before Ted had the chance to stop him.

"Wait!" Ted shouted, dashing after him. To his surprise when he reached the front room he found Barney climbing up the staircase rather than rushing out the front door. Good. He would leave him alone then. His presence had only made everything worse. Maybe Marshall had been right. Maybe Barney did need to be alone. Maybe he shouldn't have even dragged him to his house in the first place.

* * *

"Barney, hey, can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead!"

It had been an hour. He was carrying in his hands a platter of fresh pancakes, bacon, eggs; the works. An apology breakfast. Where words had failed maybe fluffy, aesthetically pleasing, perhaps slightly overly-syruped pancakes would succeed. He was just really hoping that Barney hadn't lost his appetite again, because he knew that if he had that Barney would probably torture himself by eating anyway and would only grow to resent him more as a result.

He apprehensively pushed the door open, and slowly slipped inside, holding the tray carefully so as to not accidentally drop it or spill anything. Barney smiled at him once he reached his bedside. "Ted, you, my friend, are awesome. You are just the best. Honestly, wow."

Ted smiled back at him, extremely relieved. They were fine. Well, not individually fine, of course, but their friendship seemed to be stronger than ever now.

Barney took the plate from him and proceeded to scoot over so that they could sit together. He started picking at the bacon, tearing a small piece off and biting into it. "I love you too, Ted."

"Huh?"

"Last night, I never said it back."

"Oh, well, umm...thanks, Barney."

"You're my best friend."

"I know. You're mine."

"No, I'm not."

"Barney..."

"Ted, let's just not, okay? Marshall's your best friend; don't promote me just because you feel sorry for me."

"You're both my best friends, you know that. You've always both been my best friends. It's a tie."

Barney laughed and stuck his fork into the pancakes to try them for the first time. "Really?"

"Of course, idiot."

"Did you already eat?"

Ted shook his head. "No, I have more downstairs, I was going to eat some later."

"Can you just like...eat with me? This portion is on steroids and I...," Barney, trailed off, staring down at his plate and repeatedly stabbing the prongs of his fork into his pancakes to make a rectangular pattern.

"But I only brought one fork," Ted whispered, stupidly.

"Then go get another one, geez, Ted, it's really not rocket science."

He nodded his head and hopped out of the bed. "In that case, I will be back momentarily!" Barney smiled at him before he turned around and began running down the stairs. He felt good. Like he was actually starting to help his friend a little. The pancakes had definitely been a success. He grabbed a fork from the kitchen and then rapidly scaled the stairs once more, not caring that running with a fork pointed at himself was probably not the most brilliant idea in the world. He plopped back down next to Barney and stuck his fork into the pancakes without saying a word. It should have been awkward, eating from the same plate, their forks occasionally bumping together as they both devoured the sticky pancakes and runny eggs, but it wasn't. It was peaceful and oddly intimate; Ted enjoyed it.

They cleared the plate together and pushed the tray to the end of the bed, too content to bother with getting up to take it back downstairs. "My compliments to the chef," Barney whispered, breaking the comfortable silence that had inadvertently settled between them.

"The chef thanks you," Ted replied, laughing a little. He felt pretty stuffed. No wonder Barney hadn't wanted to eat all that alone.

"Do you have work today?"

Ted glanced at him, faintly frowning. "You kidding? They couldn't pay me enough to go in today."

"Good," Barney murmured, resting his head back against the headboard. He sighed and shifted his body so that he was facing Ted. "Thanks."

"No problem. I'd much rather stay here." Ted was semi-surprised that Barney even wanted him to stay. Maybe he was done trying to isolate himself.

Ted glanced at the clock on the wall, it was 8:11. On a regular day he would have awakened his children, sent them off to school, and driven to work by now. He had decided to let his kids sleep in as late as they wanted to today, though. If was going to take the day off of work, they could ditch school. He couldn't care less, really.

The room was silent save for the sound of their soft, even breathing. When Ted next glanced over at Barney, his eyes were closed and his body was still. He nearly gasped as he realized that he had accomplished the impossible, he really had counterattacked the universe and gotten Barney to fall asleep, no lullabies necessary. Ted smiled, noting how tranquil Barney looked in his sleep. It was as though he had managed to fasten away all the pain and misery and leave it behind in the world of the wakeful. Ted closed his eyes, still smiling to himself as his own consciousness slipped away.

* * *

Ted had never expected to wake up in bed with Barney Stinson.

When his eyelids battered open, their hips were pressed against each other, but Ted quickly scooted away, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Really, he had no problem with sleeping in the same bed as his best friend; Marshall and he had fallen asleep snuggling together in his Fiero, after all. So, really, this was nothing. Or, it should have been nothing. But this was different. He hadn't fallen asleep next to Barney for the sake of not freezing to death. He had just...the thought of getting up and going to his own bed to fall back asleep hadn't even crossed his mind. He didn't known why that was.

Once Ted's eyes had adjusted to the light and he glanced over at Barney, he became even more confused. Barney was already awake. Why had he just sat there watching him sleep? And why had he chosen to sit so close that his hip was touching Ted's?

"Good morning," Barney whispered, smiling at him.

"Morning," Ted whispered back, yawning. "Did you sleep well?"

Barney half-nodded, half-shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, good. Now I don't need to worry about you keeling over." Ted pushed himself into a sitting position, his eyes falling back onto the clock on the wall. "Is it really two in the afternoon? How is that even possible? Tell me that's not...Crap."

"Crap, indeed. Also, Ted, I need you to do something for me...It's a really, really big favor, but you have to do it because I think I'll die if I have to do it, so I need you to..."

"Barney!" Ted shouted, cutting off his friend's inane rambling. "What is it?"

Barney bit his bottom lip, and Ted could tell that he was once again holding back tears. At least he was doing a better job at it than he normally did. "I haven't told Jackie...," he whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat and rapidly blinking his eyes.

Jackie.

Ted hadn't even known the woman's name until three years ago, as insane as that was. Barney was weird about Jackie. Weirder than his usual level of weird, that is. He acted as though speaking her name aloud would summon her from the depths of hell or something. So, for the first seven years of Ellie's life she had been known only as number 31, or, on occasion, Ellie's mother. It was always, _"Ellie's at number 31's for the weekend,"_ and _"Number 31 wants to take Ellie for Christmas this year, the bitch. Who the hell does she think she is? Ellie's mother or something? Please, like she's ever been a mother to Ellie. The only maternal thing she's ever done is push Ellie out of her vagina, good on her for that one, I guess. But that was six years ago, so she totally should have stopped throwing the labor card around by now."_

Ted had only learned her name by accident. Barney had accidentally let it slip when he was telling a story during what had formally become known as one of their many MacLaren's reunions.

" _Number 31 wants to spend Ellie's birthday with her. I told her to shove it, and then she told me that we should both spend Ellie's birthday with her. She's insufferable. How could she think that I would willingly spend five minutes in the same room as her?"_

" _Come on, Barney, she can't be that bad. Are you seriously still holding it against her that she wanted to give Ellie up for adoption?"_

" _Ugh, duh. Ellie's adorable, what kind of monster would want to give her to someone else?"_

" _Maybe she just wasn't ready for the responsibility."_

" _Please. Like I was? I wasn't. But I grew the hell up and now I'm totally the best dad ever. Jackie's just a lazy, selfish bimbo."_

" _Jackie?"_

" _Crap. Forget I said that."_

" _So her name's Jackie, huh?"_

" _What? No. I don't know any Jackies. That's a really stupid name, though. Bet that chick's a lazy, selfish bimbo."_

Ted was finally snapped back to the present by Barney placing a hand on his arm and staring at him with pleading eyes. "Ted..."

"Barney, I've never even met her...I don't think I should be the one to tell her."

"Well, I can't be the one to tell her!"

Ted really didn't want to call Jackie. He really, really didn't want to call Jackie. But he knew that his protests were in vain. Ted wanted Barney to call her even less than he wanted to call her himself. He had to spare him from that burden. "Fine. Where's your phone?"

Barney reached out onto the nightstand next to him and plopped his cell down on Ted's waiting palm, an extremely grateful expression on his face.

Ted began to scroll through Barney's contacts until he found hers. Under better circumstances he would have burst out laughing. She was listed as #31.

He pushed the call button and placed the phone against his ear, grinding his teeth with nerves. His first conversation with the mother of Barney's daughter, and he was going to have to tell her that her daughter was dead. This was a waking nightmare.

"Hello?" she said, "Barney?"

"No, umm...this is Ted Mosby, I'm a friend of Barney's, um...," Ted stopped, trying to regain control of his voice. He couldn't seem to keep it from shaking.

"Is he dead?"

"What?"

"Barney. Is he dead?"

Ted's eyes widened and his heart started beating faster. Jackie's voice was flat. She wasn't joking, she seriously thought that Barney might be dead, and she seemed to be entirely comfortable with that idea. Ted hated this bitch already. Suddenly his task seemed a little easier.

"No, he's not. But Ellie...Ellie is."

Ted heard her gasp and when she next spoke her voice was shaking worse than his own. "Are you serious? Ellie's dead?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, very, very sorry."

"This is his fault." She said it like she knew it to be fact. Her voice was filled with pure, unadulterated rage. Step 2. Anger. And who better to be mad at than the man who'd lied to her, screwed her, and impregnated her? He was such an easy target.

"No, it's not."

"What happened?"

"She was hit by a taxi."

"Ellie," she whispered, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "Hit..."

"I'm sorry."

"Shut up."

"Okay."

"Put Barney on, I know he's there."

"He's not."

"He's a fucking coward!"

"No, he's not!" Ted shouted, surprising himself with how easy it was for him to match her level of fury. "You have no right to say anything derogatory about him, and you certainly have no right to blame him. He was a great father, but you were a shitty mother, Jackie. You really were." He hadn't pictured the conversation going down this avenue. Persecuting a woman who had just been given the worst news imaginable was a pretty low-down thing to do, but he couldn't help it. He didn't care at all about Jackie's feelings. He just wanted to defend his best friend, no matter the cost.

Barney was watching him, his mouth slightly open in shock, and his eyes filled to the brim with moisture he was just barely managing to keep from spilling over onto his cheeks. Ted met his gaze with his own determined eyes. He set his hand down on top of Barney's and gave it a soft squeeze.

"Put him on the damn phone!"

"No! He doesn't want to talk to you!"

"I don't give a shit!"

"Well I do!"

Ted hung up on her. He had accomplished what he had set out to do. There was no point in prolonging their screaming match. Jackie obviously wasn't going to give it a rest until she got to speak to Barney, and Ted was never going to allow that to happen. So he had hung up on her. And that was that.

"What a lazy, selfish bimbo," he whispered as he set the phone down on the mattress.

"Thank you, Ted. I'm sorry I made you do that."

"Don't sweat it. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to her."

Barney snickered and nodded his head. "She's literally the worst."

For once, Ted resisted the urge to correct him. He didn't explain that Jackie was obviously not "literally" the worst, because she wasn't nearly as bad as Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, or Adolf Hitler. Instead, he simply said, "She really is."

Ted heard footsteps in the hallway. "Penny!? Luke!?" he called out.

The door was cracked open a second later and his daughter peeked inside. She then progressed to opening the door fully and slipping through it and into the bedroom. "Hi, dad. Hi, Uncle Barney."

Barney waved his hand at her. "Hey, Penny."

Ted was suddenly, hyperaware of his hand on top of Barney's, and though he wanted to move it, he found that he couldn't. He got the strange impression that doing so would hurt Barney's feelings. So he kept it right where it was, despite the odd way that Penny was looking at the two of them. "Hi, Penny," he said, smiling warmly at her. "How long have you been awake?"

"Since ten, I wasn't sure where you were. I checked your bedroom and you weren't there so then I assumed that you were in here, and I guess I was right..." She looked really confused, and slightly uncomfortable. Ted couldn't blame her, he felt the same way. But he also felt content and needed, and those feelings outweighed the others.

"It's been a weird day, Penny," he said, as though that could explain everything.

"I'll bet," Penny whispered back, her eyes uneasily shifting to stare at Barney and then momentarily shifting back to her father. "You left breakfast out on the counter and the eggs smelled disgusting by the time I got down there."

"Oh, sorry. I forgot."

"Yeah, obviously," she mumbled, rolling her eyes. "Also, Aunt Robin called about an hour ago, she asked when a good time for her to come over was and I told her that I didn't known because I hadn't seen either of you all day."

Ted winced. "Okay, I'll give her a call." He looked over at Barney as he asked. "You're okay with her coming, right?"

Barney nodded. "Yeah, of course."

" _Are you in love with her?"_

" _Probably, I think I always will be."_

Ted winced again.

"Okay, well, call Aunt Robin, then...," Penny mumbled, attempting to sneak out of the room.

"I will!" Ted shouted, deciding to let her go. He knew that she didn't know how to act around Barney, so he was going to give her a pass to not have to be around him.

Ted looked around for his phone for a minute before he remembered that it was still in his room. He stared at Barney's phone and Barney nodded his head so he picked it up and scrolled through Barney's contacts again until he found Robin's.

"Barney!?" she immediately shouted upon answering, her greeting sounded simultaneously panicked and excited.

"Hi, Robin, it's actually Ted. Barney's right next to me, though. I just didn't feel like getting up to go get my own phone. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you can come over whenever you want."

"Oh," she sounded disappointed. Ted's jealousy from last night returned, but it was duller now. His feelings for Robin felt duller now. He knew that he loved her with everything that he was, but he felt like he had managed to put a pause on his passion for her. His friendship with Barney had stolen the limelight and his relationship with Robin had been forced to the backburner for the moment. Barney, he knew, was both of their priorities right now, and he was entirely alright with that. "Okay, then I'll start heading there now."

"Great, see you soon."

"I love...," Robin faltered, as it dawned on her that words were forbidden between them for the time being. Their relationship was a toxic time bomb. If it went off in front of Barney it might actually kill him.

"Yeah," Ted merely said in response.

"Yeah," she said back, conveying the three words she had wanted to say in that one single syllable. "See you soon."

She ended the call and Ted handed the phone back to Barney. "She's on her way," he informed him.

"Awesome," he whispered back. His voice was tinny. Ted finally forced himself out of the bed. He had to pee, and besides that, he felt slothful spending all day in bed. He moved towards the door, but just as he was he was about to walk through it, Barney spoke up again. "How long have you two been back together?"

"What!?" Ted cupped his hand over his mouth, bothered by how indignant he had sounded. He had practically just gave Barney confirmation of their relationship.

"Ted, Ted, Ted. You thought you could keep it a secret from me? Have I taught you nothing? I know when two people have recently done it, okay?"

"How long have you known?" Ted questioned, no longer even bothering to try to deny the accusation.

"Answer my question first."

"We've only slept together once, but we've been dating for a couple of months."

Barney didn't say anything for a painfully long moment of time. Ted had been on his way out of the room, so he had his back to him and was too petrified to turn around and face him.

"Good for you," Barney finally whispered, his words hardly audible. "Glad you're finally...moving on."

"Barney..."

"Really, Ted. She was yours first; I'd be a hypocrite if I bitched about how you're screwing my ex-wife. So you just go on ahead...Sleep with Robin...That's totally awesome."

"Barney..."

"And that's why you didn't go to the hospital, isn't it? You were having sex with Robin. That's why you drove her to Marshall and Lily's...You didn't call her and tell her about Ellie because you thought I'd want her to know, you were just already with her."

"It isn't like that, Barney!"

Ted felt something hard hit him in the small of his back and he buckled over, grunting in pain. "Call her. Tell her not to come."

"Barney, don't take this out on her," Ted advised, stooping to pick Barney's phone up off the floor. He finally chanced looking at his friend.

He had that look on his face again, the one that made it seem like Ted had stabbed him. Ted thought it was appropriate this time. Ted felt like he had stabbed him. He might as well have.

"I'm sorry!" Barney screamed, his fist curling around the comforter on the bed, and his eyes snapping closed. Ted hadn't a clue what he was apologizing for. "I don't want to see her! Tell her not to come!"

"Okay, okay, Barney. It's okay, I'll tell her not to come," Ted said, keeping his voice even as he weakly attempted to calm his friend down. He watched Barney for a moment more, he was crying again. He had moved into the fetal position, and he buried his head into his knees, sobs racking his slight frame. Ted wanted to rush to his side, take him into his arms, and whisper about how sorry he was and how everything was going to be okay, but he didn't. He was too scared to approach him, so he just left him there like that. He walked out into the hallway and started calling Robin again.

"Hello?" she greeted, obviously unsure of whether Barney or Ted would be on the other line.

"Hi, Robin. You can't come."

"What? Why?" she sounded baffled and it made Ted wish he didn't have to tell her what had just transpired.

"Barney knows about us...and he just lost it. He's furious at me and he told me to call you and tell you that he doesn't want to see you right now."

"What? Is he okay?"

"He's a wreck again, things were going really well. He was starting to act like himself again, but now he's crying again."

"Oh my gosh, we made him cry!? Ted, Barney can't hate me!" Her voice was high-pitched and shrill, she sounded like she was pretty close to crying herself.

"I don't want him to hate me either, Robin. Especially not right now. He needs a shoulder to cry on, but now I'm the one responsible for making him cry. No one wants to cry on the shoulder responsible for making them cry!"

"Maybe he'll get over it soon. I mean, sure it's probably a lot for him to take in, but he'll get used to it. You were furious when you found out Barney and I had slept together and you pushed him away for a while but then you got used to it and stood back and let us get married and everything...Ugh, no. Barney isn't like you. Barney's better at holding grudges."

"Plus he's extremely vulnerable right now, and this is the last thing he needed to find out. Robin, really we shouldn't even be worried about him hating us. There's a bigger issue here, this could destroy him. He just lost Ellie and now he's going to feel like he's lost both of us too. I don't know what sort of effect that amount of solitude will have on him."

"If he hurts himself because of us, Ted, I'm never going to be able to live with myself."

"I know."

"Ted, you need to keep an eye on him. Where are you right now? Go check on him..."

"I was just in the room with him, I'm standing right outside his door. He's fine right now."

"Okay. Keep him that way."

"I will." He turned around to stare at the wooden barrier between him and Barney, vexing its existence. He wanted to burst through it, but still, he was afraid. The guilt was eating away at him, and he was terrified of facing it head on.

"Keep me updated," she whispered, her voice quivering.

"I will," he repeated. He then terminated the call and stood in silence, his eyes locked on the door.

Luke appeared at the top of the staircase and tilted his head at him. "What's wrong, dad?"

He didn't even know where to begin. He could hear Barney's cries through the walls and it was killing him. Everything was wrong. "Nothing, Luke. Just...Barney."

"Is he okay?"

Ted shook his head, placing a hand against the door.

"Do you want to go inside? Why don't you just go inside? He doesn't bite. Last time I checked..."

"He's mad at me, it's a long story."

"Oh. Do you want me to go inside?"

"No. He needs space."

"Okay...well, in that case, have fun standing there, dad...," Luke mumbled, shaking his head and storming off to his room, making a show of being exasperated with his father.

Ted was fairly exasperated with himself, as well.

* * *

Ted had tried his best to go about his day. He had run a load of laundry, heated up some leftovers for dinner, called Lily and Marshall and acted like everything was fine, or as fine as it could be. Barney had been on his mind, through it all, though. Barney and razorblades and nooses and pills. None of which he kept in his guest bedroom, but he felt like this was a "where there's a will there's a way" type of thing. He thought that if Barney was really determined to off himself, he would, by some means, succeed in doing so.

As he folded towels and placed them on the rack in the bathroom he imagined Barney lying on the bed in the room above him, dead. Barney's corpse haunted him the entire day. It got so bad that every time he made up his mind to go check on Barney he couldn't bring himself to actually do it because he was wholeheartedly convinced that if he went into the room he was going to find Barney's lifeless body and his world was going to crumple down around him. Ignorance was bliss and he'd rather live in fear of Barney being dead than know for certain that Barney was really dead.

"This is ridiculous," Penny finally said over her day-old spaghetti.

"What?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"You're worried about Uncle Barney, but you won't check up on him for whatever reason..."

Ted dropped his fork, his appetite had been nonexistent at the start of the meal but now his stomach felt like a twisted ball of nerves. "Barney found out I'm dating your Aunt Robin and he's extremely mad at me," he finally told his children.

"Oh, crap, dad. That's like really bad!" Penny shouted, scowling at him from across the table.

"Tell me about it."

"Avoiding him won't accomplish anything, though!" she exclaimed whilst shaking her head enthusiastically. "Dad you need to talk to him about this."

"I know, but I don't know what to say." Ted knew he sounded like the child in this situation. Here he was coming to his fifteen year-old daughter and thirteen year-old son for advice, this wasn't exactly a high point for him.

"I don't know, dad, just apologize."

He wished it was that simple. Just apologize and suddenly he wouldn't be in love with the same woman as his best friend. Just apologize and suddenly he would no longer have to start planning the funeral for said best friend's daughter. Apologize and suddenly he could just be back in bed with Barney eating homemade pancakes.

"At least say _something_ , dad. He's going to start thinking you don't care about him," Luke stated, obviously pleased to be able to chime into the conversation. It wasn't often that he got to tell his dad what to do.

Ted stood up from his chair and started walking towards the door. They were right. He had to say something, anything. He couldn't let Barney think that his feelings weren't important to him, because they were. They were extremely important.

He had made it to the foot of the stairs when the doorbell rang. He glanced back at the front door and stood still for a moment, caught off guard, before he rushed to answer it. He tugged it open without bothering to check who he would find on the other side.

It was Robin.

"Ted," she whispered, nibbling at her bottom lip as her eyes lined up with his. "I know I shouldn't be here, but you promised you'd keep me updated and you didn't. So here I am."

"Robin," he whispered back, absentmindedly rubbing his hand up and down against the wood of the door. "This is really not a good time."

"Ted!" she exclaimed, a familiar note of disapproval evident in her voice. "It's never going to be a good time! I don't need your permission to see him."

"No, you don't, but you do need his, and he doesn't want to see you."

Robin's eyes grew hard and she shook her head furiously. Her teeth were clenched as she growled out, "Shut up, Ted. God, I can't believe you! You just want to keep me away from Barney because you're worried that I still have feelings for him!"

"What!?" Ted shouted, stepping outside and slamming the front door behind him so that his children wouldn't bear witness to their screaming match.

"You heard me!"

"You couldn't be more wrong, Robin. That's not what this is about at all."

"Isn't it? I saw how you looked at me while I was holding his hand yesterday, you looked like you were watching us do it in the back seat of your car, even though it was completely innocent and I was just trying to comfort him!" She paused and took a deep breath, her voice was lower and more controlled when she continued speaking. "You're acting like I'm being selfish for wanting to see him, but really you're being selfish by not letting me. You're the one I love, Ted, so get your head out of your ass. But Barney is my friend and I need to make sure that he's going to be okay."

Ted was certain that she was mistaken. Yes, he was jealous, and yes he was worried that Robin may still have lingering feelings for Barney, but that wasn't why he didn't want her to go upstairs. He really thought that seeing her would make everything even worse for Barney. The last thing he wanted to do was make things worse for Barney, but Robin was a cyclone. She was a powerful, unstoppable force that he had given up trying to keep at bay decades ago. Whatever damage Robin inflicted would be hers to thatch. He sighed and stepped away from the door, gesturing that she could go inside. "Fine, but please just...be careful. I haven't spoken to him in almost five hours, so I don't know how he's doing right now."

Robin's eyes softened as she moved passed him and set her hand on the doorknob. "Ted," she reached out her other hand and stroked the back of it gently against his cheek, "Don't worry. I've got this."

Ted forced a half-hearted smile in her direction as he whispered a simple, "Okay." He followed after her as she went inside and locked the door behind them. He silently led her up the staircase, trying to make up his mind on whether he should just lead Robin to Barney or whether he should stick around and talk to him with her. He knew that Barney would hate seeing the two of them simultaneously more than he would hate seeing either of them alone, but he couldn't help but want to monitor their conversation. He felt responsible for Barney, somehow. He felt unusually protective and territorial of him.

By the time that Robin threw open the door to the guest bedroom, he had made up his mind. It was just like Robin had said, Barney was his friend and he had to make sure that he was going to be okay. So, when Robin broke past the invisible barrier and marched boldly into the bedroom he was right behind her.

The fears that he had only managed to finally forget mere minutes before had returned to him, and his eyes adjusted to the nearly tangible darkness of the room, he held his breath, afraid of what he'd find once he could see properly.

The bed was empty.

"Ted," Robin mumbled, spinning around to face him, her eyes wide and her breaths labored. "Where is he?"

He shrugged, it was pathetic, but it was the best he could do. He had never felt so panicked in his entire life. Crisp new nightmares were springing to life inside his brain. Barney jumping off a building, Barney drowning himself, Barney running in front of a train.

He had to sit down. He couldn't breathe. There didn't seem to be any oxygen in the room, or perhaps his lungs were collapsing in on themselves.

"Calm down!" Robin shouted, plopping down next to him on the bed. "I'll call him." She dug her phone out of the pint-sized red purse slung across her shoulder and began hitting buttons until she placed it against her ear and waited with bated breath. A simplistic, slightly obnoxious melody echoed through the walls of the house and Ted gazed out into the hallway, cringing. Barney's phone was on the dresser in the hallway. He had set it there himself after Barney had thrown it at him so that he would call Robin with it. And now, Barney was who knows where without any way of contacting him. It was hard to imagine how things could get worse than this. "Okay...That's okay," Robin whispered, "That's fine. He probably just went home. He probably just snuck out why you were preoccupied with dad stuff and went back to his apartment. We just need to drive there and get him back."

Ted nodded his head, desperately trying to catch his breath. He wished that he could remain as level-headed as Robin. He felt bad about giving her a hard time, in truth she was more capable of dealing with Barney in his current state than he was. She was less emotional and so it was easier for her to stay calm and helpful rather than freaking out and crumpling into a useless ball on the bed like Ted was extremely close to doing. She rose to her feet, anxious determination painted on her face, and held her hand out for Ted to take. He slipped his hand into hers and she pulled him to his feet and tugged him out into the hallway and down the stairs. "Penny, Luke!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, "I need to steal your dad for a while! We have a crisis situation!"

Penny and Luke made an immediate appearance, dashing out of the dining room and towards their shaken father and authoritative aunt. "What's wrong!?" Penny shouted, coming to a stop right in front of Ted.

"Barney's missing, we need to go look for him," Robin informed her, "So just stay here with Luke, okay?"

Penny and Luke nodded their heads in unison, their worried expressions mirrored each other's, as well. Robin and Ted were out the door before they had the chance to say anything in response. Robin took the driver's seat and held her hand out for Ted's keys, without even asking him if he wanted her to drive. Under normal circumstances, he would have been incredibly annoyed by this, but at the moment it was a relief. If he tried to get behind the wheel right now he would probably kill someone.

Preconceived Polaroids of Ellie's flaccid body lying against the asphalt flickered through his mind. No, he certainly didn't want to take the chance of hitting anyone with his car. Robin could take the reins, that would be just fine.

"I'm sure he's fine," she whispered, one hand on the steering wheel, one hand on Ted's thigh.

Ted wanted to believe her, but he found himself shaking his head. He felt quite sure that the opposite was true. "Rob..," his voice cracked before he could so much as say her name, "If he's not..." He didn't even know what he wanted to say, but it wouldn't have made a difference if he had. Tears leaked down his cheeks and his voice died in his throat.

"He is," Robin assured him, moving her hand so that she could rub circles on his back. "Ted, Barney wouldn't...that's not...I can't imagine him hurting himself. He's in love with himself." She laughed a second at her own joke, trying her best to lighten the mood. It helped a little.

Ted calmed down enough that he could finally collect and vocalize his thoughts. "I just feel responsible for this, Robin. Dating you...of course, I'm in love with you, so it can't be helped, but he has every right to be upset."

"I know," Robin whispered, "He does. And I feel terrible about it too, but we'll find him and make it up to him somehow. We will."

Ted knew that her repetitive assurances of Barney's wellbeing were every bit as much for her own benefit as his. She was just as terrified inside as he was. She was just doing a better job at keeping her fears in check. He admired her for it.

"Besides that, we aren't the main reason that he ran away. In the end, this isn't even really about _us._ Barney just couldn't deal with his grief and so he started focusing on a different problem, one that caused him less pain. Whining about our relationship is probably more of a defense mechanism for him than anything else."

Ted wasn't sure whether he wanted her words to be true or not. Of course, it would be a relief to have Barney not be as insanely pissed off at them as he thought that he was, but on the other hand, he didn't want to think about Barney being in so much pain that he was frantically fighting to outright ignore the fact that his daughter had died. She was probably right, though. If his life hadn't already been so far down the drain he probably would have reacted very differently to the news that him and Robin were back together. He might have put on a brave face, or he might have screamed at Ted until his voice was hoarse, but he wouldn't have allowed them to see him break down like this. He wouldn't have lost his mind over it like he had. Or, at least, he probably wouldn't have.

After what felt like a century of darting through evening traffic, they finally arrived at Barney's apartment building. He had moved a few months after Ellie's birth, deeming his old apartment "too awesome for a baby". Now he lived in a slightly drab, but comfortable, and far homier, three bedroom apartment. Yes, he still had an entire bedroom dedicated to his suits, but gone was his professionally-lit porno collection, spring-loaded toilet, grossly oversized televisions, and the complicated network of one-night stand expulsion apparatuses. Instead, Barney's new apartment was occupied by proudly displayed Crayola drawings, scattered Barbie dolls, and grossly oversized dollhouses.

"I'm going to find a parking spot, but you go on inside. The sooner one of us gets to him the better."

Ted nodded his head and mumbled out a, "Thank you," before he pushed the passenger-side door open and stumbled out of his car. Once inside he took the stairs two at a time and reached Barney's door mere seconds later. He knocked loudly, banging his fist against the door with as much force as he could muster. Radio silence. Well, he had been expecting as much. He dug into his pocket to pull out the spare key that Barney had given him way back when he had first moved in, but his pockets were empty, save for both his and Barney's cell phones and he remembered, with a heavy heart, that Robin was currently in possession of his keys. He slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor in exhaustion as he did the only thing he could do, wait for her.

It took quite some time, but at last, Robin came to him. She seemed surprised to see him sitting there, but then she stared down at the keys clutched in her grip and the understanding was apparent in her eyes. She handed the keys to Ted and he pushed himself up off the floor and immediately unlocked Barney's door.

Ted's heart broke as soon as he took his first step inside. Everywhere he looked there was evidence of Ellie's existence. It was as though the apartment was encased in amber, frozen in a better time. The news of Ellie's death hadn't traveled this far yet, her half-completed golden retriever puzzle was still waiting for her on the coffee table and her bedraggled blue Teddy was still keeping watch on the couch. Her father wasn't, though. Her father was nowhere to be found.

Robin returned from Barney's bedroom, flashed Ted a discouraged expression, and proceeded into Ellie's room. She was in there for quite some time, and Ted finally managed to shake himself out of his reverie and join her in her search. Robin was sitting on Ellie's bed next to half a dozen flower pillows and staring at something in her lap. Ted apprehensively sat down next to her and tried to make out what it was she was looking at. It was a scrapbook. Ellie's scrapbook, apparently.

Robin's fingers were shaking as she gently flipped through the pages. She finally stopped on one of the pages near the back, and Ted watched a tear cascade down off her chin and onto a picture of her and Ellie. Written below it in loopy, difficult to decipher handwriting was the caption, _"1/25/29- Robin took me shopping! It was just the two of us! She got me a pretty dress. I don't get to see her much, so today was really special."_

Robin closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she met Ted's anxious gaze. Her voice was hardly audible when she whispered, "Ted, I don't think he's okay."

Ted didn't have to ask what she meant, or why she had changed her mind. He knew that Robin was realizing for the first time just what it meant that Ellie was gone. She could never take that charming little girl in the picture with her shopping again. The only pretty dress she would ever wear now would be whatever she was going to be buried in. Sorrow had finally tore into her chest. As Ted wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face into the crook of his neck, he knew that she was trying to imagine how much more painful this must be for Barney, and was discovering, as a result, just how not okay he really was.

* * *

 **I know I said that chapters would start getting shorter, but I'm not sure if that will ever really happen. I've written this fic to be divided into eight 10,000 word long chapters, and that might be the way that I end up posting it, too. I guess I'll just make up my mind as I go along.**


	3. Go Fish

**Quick author's note. The first portion of this chapter may raise a few questions, namely, why is so-and-so not on the list, and such. Don't worry about it, I'll explain later. If you have no idea what this note means and it's just confusing you greatly then ignore it. Thanks. And lastly, writing medical crap stresses me out. I'm bad at researching stuff, so if I got some things wrong, forgive me. Plus, don't worry about trying to understand what all the medical crap means, either, that's not what it's there for.**

 **Also, a kind of big trigger warning for this one.**

* * *

"Hi..."

"Hello? Who is this?"

"This is Ted, Barney's friend."

"Oh! Ted! How are you? Is everything okay?"

Ted and Robin were still hunkered in Barney's apartment together. They had both reached the conclusion that there was no point in leaving it. They couldn't very well drive around the whole of New York looking for Barney; that would be entirely pointless. So, they had put together a list of anyone and everyone who might know anything about Barney's whereabouts. Robin had claimed half of the list and sealed herself away in Barney's bedroom to make her phone calls in seclusion. Her sector of names included James, Eli, Sadie, and Lily/Marshall.

Ted, who was sitting alone on the couch in the living room, felt that he had gotten the short end of the stick. Some of the people on his list he really didn't want to call. Such as, for example, the one he was on the phone with right now.

 _Jerome Whittaker._

"Actually, no." Where to start? Ellie's death or Barney's disappearance? Both were such great conversation starters. "Listen, you haven't by chance heard from Barney today, have you?"

"No, he hasn't called me for a few months, actually. Is he alright?"

"Oh." Well he hadn't really expected him to have heard from Barney. It'd be weird if he had. "Yeah, no. He's not."

Jerome's breath hitched before he stuttered out an anxious, "What's wrong?"

"Well, I guess he's missing. He sort of...ran away." Ted was sick of delivering bad news. He had done it way too frequently in the last couple of days. First he'd had to tell his kids about Ellie, then he'd had to call Jackie, now he was having to do this. He'd had enough.

"Ran away? What do you mean by that?"

Ted sighed and tried to psych himself up to say the words that needed to be said. "Jerome, Ellie was hit by a car yesterday. She...didn't make it." He paused, knowing that he would now have to listen to Jerome break into tears followed by three minutes of solid blubbering before he would be able to proceed with the conversation. These sort of phone calls all followed a predictable pattern.

He was right. The waterworks came next as Jerome grieved for the unexpected loss of his young granddaughter. Finally, he managed to ask through his sobs, "So, where...where did you say that Barney was?"

"He's missing. No one knows where he is. Robin and I have been calling up anyone that we think could have possibly heard from him, but neither of us has had any luck so far."

"What should I do?" He sounded desperate to help, but Ted knew that there was really nothing he could do.

"There's really nothing you can do."

"But he's my son..."

 _Well, yeah. Duh._

"I know. How about you just...do you know anywhere that Barney might have gone?" Of course he didn't. He hadn't even spoken to Barney in months, apparently. Ted thought he might as well ask anyway, though. It was worth a shot, at least.

There was a short moment of silence before Jerome finally whispered a shame-filled, "No. I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Okay, well that's fine. If you hear anything from him give me a call."

"I will. And please call me if you hear anything, as well. Please."

"Of course." Ted hung up the phone with a prolonged sigh. This was as pointless as driving around New York calling out his name. Barney's family was useless. Ted felt misguidedly angry at them. He was annoyed that none of them knew Barney well enough to be able to predict his location. Never mind that neither Robin nor Ted had a clue where he might be, either.

The last name on his list was Jackie's. Ted had no intention of calling her. Robin had insisted that he should, so he had humored her and written #31 down on the scrap of paper in his hand. But he wouldn't go so far as to actually dial in her number. There was no way that Barney would have made contact with that she-devil. No way in hell.

Ted stood up, slipping his list into the back pocket of his jeans as he made his way over to Barney's bedroom. He knocked on the door and waited until he heard Robin call for him to, "Come in!"

"How's it going?" he asked, sitting down on Barney's bed next to her.

She glared at her list and shrugged her shoulders. "Lily and Marshall said that they're going to call the police, though I know that that won't do any good because Barney's fifty-four, and the cops don't give a shit about a runaway fifty-four year-olds, but whatever, I guess it can't hurt. James and his kids didn't know anything." She stared wistfully down at her bare feet as she asked, "How about you? Any luck?"

Ted shook his head. "No. No luck."

"Damn." As soon as the single, disparaging word left Robin's mouth, her phone began to vibrate. She glanced at it in wonder and clumsily scurried to answer it. "Hello?"

Ted watched her, waiting expectantly, silently praying for good news.

"Wait, wait. Slow down. He what?" Robin's eyes bulged. "Oh my God, Lily! Is he okay!? Physically, I mean, because clearly he...No. No, Lily. I know. I know. Yeah, Ted's with me. Okay, we're coming. Yes, yes. We'll be right there. Okay, see you there. Okay. See you. Love you too, Lily."

Ted continued to stare her down as she ended the call; he was rapidly losing patience. "Well?" he questioned.

"When Lily called the police they told her that a man matching the description that she gave them of Barney had just been fished out of the Hudson."

"Wait. Barney was in the Hudson River? Why!?"

"I don't know, Ted. He was taken to the hospital, apparently. He almost drowned..." Robin finally met his gaze with moist eyes. She wrapped her arms around him and stifled a cry.

"We should get going, then," Ted whispered, briefly pulling her into a hug before he moved to rise to his feet.

"Yeah...," Robin agreed, hesitantly. She sounded shell-shocked.

Ted grabbed her hand and together they left Barney's apartment, locking the door behind them. This time Ted was the one to hop in the driver's seat. This time he was the calmer of the two. He wondered why that was. Maybe it was just because he was so relieved that Barney was alive. Sure he was in the hospital, sure he had almost died, but he wasn't _dead_. And Ted was so very grateful for that small blessing.

* * *

"Lily! Marshall!" Ted shouted, as he dashed into the hospital waiting room, his feet nearly slipping out from underneath him as his slipper-clad feet slid against the smooth tiles beneath him.

"Ted!" Marshall called back.

"What's going on?" Robin asked, running to catch up with Ted.

"He's in intensive care. No one's really told us much more than that...," Lily whispered, frowning and reaching to pull both Ted and Robin into her arms.

"Well, they'd better," Robin mumbled.

"Intensive care? So that means like, what? They think he might die?" Ted whispered.

Lily shrugged. "God, I hope not. I don't know."

"He's such an idiot," Robin muttered, shaking her head in disgust. "It'd serve him right."

"If he died?" Marshall asked, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Well you guys spent all yesterday at the hospital with him and now you have to spend today at the hospital too because he's fucking selfish and tried to drown himself like a fucking idiot." Robin cupped her hands over her eyes, her shoulders shaking. "Such an idiot."

Ted set his hand on her back and whispered, "Robin, don't say stuff like that."

"Why? Because I'll regret it after he dies!? Well then he'd better not fucking die, Ted!" Robin indignantly threw her arms back down to her side. Her eyes were red and puffy.

She looked more petrified than Ted had ever seen her look. He pulled her into his arms, and rubbed his hand gently up and down against the back of her skull. "I know, Robin. He'd better not," he quickly corrected himself, "He won't."

"Are you all relatives of Barney Stinson?" a doctor asked, apprehensively stepping out towards them. He had to raise his voice a notch to be heard over all their desperate breaths and panicked sobbing. They were a flagrant mess.

Lily nodded her head. "Yeah, we're his family," she paused before mumbling, "Not officially, but..."

He waved her disclaimer away and launched into a complicated parade of false hopes and medical jargon. "Mr. Stinson is currently in the IC unit, but his condition is growing more stable by the minute. We can't be certain of anything quite yet, but his chances of survival are extremely high."

Robin took a step away from Ted, her tears rapidly depleting as a smile beamed on her face. "Thank God," she whispered.

"That being said," the doctor quickly interrupted, "He may have sustained brain damage. He had some intracranial pressure, which is what we have mainly been focusing on dealing with. Initially we focused on getting liquid out of his lungs, and giving him a ventilator to return oxygen to his bloodstream, this is because he has acute respiratory distress syndrome. ARDS is often fatal, but as I said, I think that he'll pull through it. We believe that he may have cerebral hypoxia, or an anoxic brain injury. Such brain injuries manifest themselves in many way, in some cases its effects can be quite severe, in other cases the patient is able to live a normal, healthy life and make close to a complete recovery. It is impossible to say for certain at this time which end of the spectrum Mr. Stinson's injuries fall on. Common symptoms of an anoxic brain injury include short-term memory loss, anomia, meaning a difficulty with words, visual disturbances, including possibility of cortical blindness, ataxia, meaning a lack in coordination, apraxia, which makes it difficult to perform familiar, daily tasks, chorea or athetosis, meaning involuntary jerking or writhing movements, and quadriparesis, a weakness in the arms or legs. We are however, currently performing therapeutic hypothermia treatment in order to stop the swelling and prevent him from sustaining such severe brain injuries."

By this time they were all holding back tears again. Ted really wanted to shoot the doctor in the face, and he assumed that Robin probably did too. And just when they thought that maybe he was done talking, maybe they were free of hearing him drone on and on about how screwed Barney was, he rose a finger in the air and said, "Wait, I forgot to mention that a comatose state is also a possibility."

Yeah. Ted really sincerely wished Robin was packing some heat in that tiny red purse of hers.

"Okay," Marshall was the first one to finally open his mouth. Even sweet Marshall held murderous intent in his eyes. "We understand, thank you. Please keep us updated on his condition."

"Wait!" Lily shouted, putting up a hand to stop the doctor from leaving them. Ted wished Lily would just shut up and let the doctor leave. "But all of that...does that mean that Barney might...is he going to still be able to go on with his life?"

The doctor shot her a look like she was the biggest fool on the planet. "I don't know mam'," he mumbled, "We don't know the severity of his condition at this time."

"Okay," Lily whispered, visibly deflating.

The doctor finally left them alone and Lily quickly crumpled into Marshall's waiting arms.

"Blindness...did he say something about blindness?" Robin whispered, her voice high-pitched and panic-stricken.

"Who knows," Ted muttered.

"I hate Barney," Robin mumbled. "He's permanently damaged himself because he's a fucking idiot."

"I know," Ted muttered.

"Robin, shut up!" Lily snapped, breaking away from Marshall to jab a finger in the air at Robin. "You have no idea what he's going through. How the hell can you be mad at him for being suicidal? You don't even know what it's like to have a kid let alone what's it like to lose one!"

"Lily!" Ted hissed, glaring at her, as he defensively set a hand on Robin's shoulder. "Robin obviously isn't mad at Barney, she's just worried about him."

"No, Ted. I am mad at him. I really am," Robin whispered, through clenched teeth. "He thinks that he's got nothing left to live for, but he's too dense to see us standing right here...He's too dense to realize that Ellie wasn't the only one who needed him."

Lily's eyes softened, and her shoulders slumped as fury drained out of her small frame. She took a step towards Robin, arms outstretched, and Robin did the same. "Oh, sweetie," Lily whispered, "I know you're scared, we all are. It's going to be okay, though. He'll be okay."

Ted was sick of hearing people say that it would be okay, and he was sick of saying it himself. It was always a lie. It would never be okay. Nothing was ever okay for very long.

"Yeah, and as bad as that all sounded, really it's good news."

Ted shot him an annoyed glance and rolled his eyes. "Good news, Marshall?"

Marshall nodded his head with conviction. "Yep. Good news, Ted. He could easily have died, but he didn't. It's a..."

"Marshall, I swear if you finish that sentence!" Robin cautioned, her arms still around Lily as she bunched one of her hands into a fist and glared at Marshall menacingly.

"Miracle," Marshall stated, grinning at her.

"Marshall!" Robin shouted, before looking around her, remembering she was in a hospital waiting room, and softening her voice to a low- guttural growl, "There is no such thing as miracles and even if there was this isn't one. Him being alive doesn't mean shit. There's fates worse than death, Marshall."

Ted grimaced, wishing that they'd all just shut up. His head was spinning as he tried to wrap it around Robin's words. She was right, of course. There were fates worse than death, but what she had failed to mention was that even before this mess Barney's fate was already worse than death. That was the reason that he had tried to kill himself in the first place. That was the reason why anyone ever tried to kill themselves. Things would just be worse for him now, though. No matter what, he was going to wish that he had succeeded. Death was what he wanted. Death was the only way that he thought he could free himself of his grief.

Ted didn't care.

Yes, he hated the thought of Barney being so miserable and hurt that he wanted to die, but that didn't mean that he would sit back and let Barney try to kill himself again. No, no matter what he was going to keep Barney from ever pulling anything like this ever again.

Pulling anything like this ever again...that reminded Ted that, "This isn't the first time he's done this!"

The eyes of his three friends all quickly settled onto him, caught off guard by his seemingly random outburst. "What?" Robin snapped, still caught up in her frustration with Marshall.

"Barney's jumped into the Hudson River before. Of course, he didn't almost die the first time, but..."

"Wait," Lily said, holding her palm up, "When was this?"

Ted pointed at Robin and said, "It was back when you first started dating Don." She wrinkled her nose up in disgust.

"And why was this?" Lily asked.

"He um..." Ted didn't really know how to answer that, if he was being honest. "I don't think he was trying to kill himself then. He was just...Well, you know how you made him promise not to sleep with Anita?" Robin nodded her head, a puzzled expression on her face. "Right, well, he she said something to him, I don't know what it was, but it made him...very aroused, so he jumped into the river to prevent himself from breaking his promise," Ted paused, he had always been a little fuzzy on the details of this particular story, so he tacked on the disclaimer, "Or at least that's what _he_ told me."

"You're kidding me, right?" Robin asked, tilting her head to the side, "He jumped into a river because of that? What? Is jumping into the Hudson just like a hobby for him or something? What the hell is wrong with him?"

Ted shrugged, smiling a little as he whispered, "It's Barney we're talking about, Robin, where would we even start?"

"Well then maybe he wasn't really trying to kill himself this time either! Maybe he was just...trying to clear his head again and something went wrong and he stayed under the water longer than he meant to and..." Lily bit her bottom lip and wiped at her cheeks as she gave up trying to speak coherently.

"That's a bit overly-optimistic, Lilypad," Marshall mumbled, setting a hand on her shoulder.

Lily sighed and lovingly glanced over her shoulder at her husband of twenty-three years. "Oh, I know, Marshmallow, but thinking about Barney purposefully trying to drown himself is just too unbearable." Marshall, nodded his head and walked towards her so that he could plant a kiss on the crown of her head.

"Ah, crap," Robin suddenly mumbled, digging her cell phone out of her purse. "I need to call James, I told him that I'd let him know if we found Barney."

Lily's eyes widened and she nodded her head. "Yeah, that'd be good. He should definitely be here."

Ted sighed and nodded his head. "Yeah, and I made the same promise with Jerome so I guess I should give him a call too."

Lily nodded again. "That'd be good."

Ted reached into his pocket to pull out his phone, but upon doing so he realized that he had reached into the wrong pocket and grabbed the wrong phone. He shrugged and started scrolling through Barney's contacts, he didn't have Jerome's number programmed into his own phone so he figured that it would be quicker if he just rolled with it. He poked at the touchscreen to make the call and then put the phone up to his ear and waited.

"Barney!?" Jerome shouted, excitably.

Ted winced, realizing that maybe using Barney's phone wasn't as good of an idea as he had thought. "No, sorry, Jerome, this is actually Ted again. I'm using Barney's phone because..." _I'm lazy and it was more convenient?_ Nah, that didn't sound good. He decided that it didn't matter and just picked back up by saying, "Umm, never mind. I'm calling to tell you that we found Barney."

"Oh, you did? That's great! Where was he?"

"He...um...so...um..." Crap. Somehow this was a billion times more difficult than informing him of his granddaughter's death. Maybe it was because he felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown and he knew that once those words, those terrible, terrible words left his mouth he was going to lose it. He decided to just spew it out as fast as humanly possible because he wanted to get it all out before his emotions slew his ability to talk. "He was in the Hudson River. We're pretty sure it was a suicide attempt, but the authorities found him and he was taken to the hospital. That's where I am right now. The doctors think he's going to pull through, but they said that he might have brain dam..." It was then that he reached his limit. He sputtered on the last word and broke into a heavy, humiliating sob.

"What hospital!?" Jerome questioned shouting into the phone so that Ted would hear him over his own, gut-wrenching cries.

Ted couldn't speak, he couldn't catch his breath, and the world seemed to be turning black around him. He felt someone put their hand on his shoulder and slip the phone out of his hand. He wondered if this is what it felt like to be drowning. Distantly, as though it were coming from another plane of existence entirely, he heard Robin's voice. He couldn't hear her well enough to make out what she was saying until her voice rose a few decibels and the words, "Ted! Breathe! Please, just take a deep breath, Ted!" penetrated the dizzy barrier between him and reality.

He did his best to follow her instructions, and frantically gulped in air, nearly chocking himself on nothing. Finally he grounded himself enough to see straight and stand steady. "I'm sorry," he whispered, meeting Robin's panicked eyes. She was clutching on to him, her hand was underneath his arm to support his body and keep him from losing his balance.

She shook her head and whispered, "No, it's fine, Ted. I get it."

As though she had been waiting for Ted's anxiety attack to subside, a nurse began to approach them. Ted was just relieved that it wasn't that bastard doctor from before. If he saw that guy right now he might lose it all over again. "Hello," she said, her voice was measured and gentle. "You're Barney's friends, right?" she asked, being far more informal than her predecessor.

Robin nodded her head. "Yeah, we are."

"Okay, great," the nurse replied, smiling at Robin before moving her gaze to make eye contact with all of them. "Barney is still undergoing therapeutic hypothermia, meaning that his body temperature is being controlled and intentionally reduced to 90 degrees Fahrenheit in order to stop the swelling in his brain. The doctors are planning to maintain this temperature for around twelve hours, following this he will enter the rewarming phase, and following that-fingers cross-he'll be cognizant and on the road to recovery. Now, I came here to tell you that you are permitted to see him now. I can only bring one of you back at a time, though, so now you have a difficult decision to make, which of you gets to go first?"

Lily's eyes widened and a large smile appeared on her face, she looked far more at ease than Ted had seen her look all day. She shared a knowing glance with Marshall before looking at Robin and Ted and saying, "Yeah, which of you gets to go first?"

Robin smiled at Ted as she took a step away from him. "I think the privilege should be yours."

"Are you sure?" Ted asked her, honestly a little nervous to be going first. He almost wished that someone else would go see Barney first and report back to him so that he knew what to expect, but at the same time he was excited to finally get to see with his very own eyes that Barney really was still alive and kicking...or, at the very least, alive.

Robin nodded her head, and urged him forward towards the nurse. "Of course."

He managed to smile back at her before he returned his attention to Nurse-he squinted, studying the ID badge hanging on a lanyard around her neck-Harper. "Ready?" she asked him.

"Lead the way," he whispered back.

He soon found himself frozen outside of Barney's hospital room. Nurse Harper glanced back at him, a patient smile on her face. "What's your name?" she asked casually.

"Ted," he mumbled out, his body still stock-still as he stared the door down.

"Okay, Ted. Go on ahead inside, but remember to stay quiet while in the room, too much stimuli could be bad for him, so keep your voice at a whisper, okay?" Ted absentmindedly nodded his head. "Alright, good luck, then," she said, stepping away from the door and gesturing for him to enter the room.

Ted's feet felt like bricks as he made his way into the room. Each step seemed to be an accomplishment. Once he had made it through the door, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then opened them again. There he was. Barney.

"Hi, Barney," he whispered, his voice trembling uncontrollably as he stumbled towards the hospital bed. Of course, he got no response. Barney remained still and unaware of his presence. His skin was sickeningly pale with a slight tinge of blue. His lips especially, were so blue that Ted could hardly stand to look at them. He had a ventilator over his mouth and nose and the steady beeping of his heart monitor reverberated throughout the muted room.

Ted stood over his unconscious body, racking his brain to think of something to say. He knew that Barney wouldn't even be able to hear him, but yet it felt important to him that he say something meaningful and worthwhile.

"Oh, man, Barney..." he whispered, "We're all so worried about you, you have no idea. Robin thinks you're an idiot, and honestly, Barney, I'm kinda inclined to agree with her. You gave up so easily...I know, I know, you're going through a lot, and you feel like you just lost the only thing that made your life worth living, but God, Barney, I wish you would have waited. You should have at least given me the chance to try and show you that I could make sticking around worth your while." He paused and smiled at his best friend before whispering, "But you know, really the joke is on you, because you're going to wake up and I'm going to get the chance to show you. I am. I'm going to make your life so completely and utterly worth living once you wake up that you're going to realize what an idiot you were for trying to throw it away. It's going to be awesome, Barney. So...please be okay, okay? I love you, we all do. And we need you to stick around and give us the opportunity to prove you wrong. I don't want to even imagine life without you, Barney."

Ted took a deep breath, fearing that he would start sobbing again and create too much noise as a result. He figured that he should probably wrap things up and give someone else the opportunity to see him, so he whispered, "I've got to go, but Robin's probably going to come in here in just a second. I know you didn't want to see her earlier, but hopefully you've changed your mind by now. It's hard to keep a grudge against someone you love." He was suddenly embraced by the memories of Barney in a hospital bed just like this one twenty-two years earlier. He had tried to keep a grudge against Barney then, but ultimately seeing him in such a vulnerable state had reminded him that he really did love Barney and that he had been a fool for trying to toss out their friendship. He only hoped that Barney would eventually reach this same conclusion.

"I hope you forgive me too, Barney. I really am sorry, and I promise that I never meant to hurt you. I love you and I'll see you soon. Hopefully next time you'll be a little more conscious..."

* * *

 **Initially this chapter was 10,000 words like the first two, but I've decided to start making the chapters shorter and posting more frequently, so I'm going to break some of them up a bit and hopefully try to post once a week. Anyway, thank you so freaking much for all of the reviews and favorites and follows! I really appreciate them! And thank you for reading!**


	4. Closed Doors

"Yeah, and he was supposed to wear it for an entire year but Marshall let him off the hook after a little over a mo..." Ted stopped mid-word and shifted in his chair to watch Lily walk back from her visit with Barney. She was sniffling and wiping at her cheeks, and immediately upon rejoining the group she slumped down in the chair next to Marshall and buried her face in his arm.

James smiled apologetically at Ted, said, "Well I guess that's my cue," stood up from his chair, and quickly disappeared down the hallway.

"Ted," Robin mumbled, her head resting on his shoulder, "What did you say to him?"

"What do you mean?" he asked. He glanced downwards to look at her and their faces were mere inches apart, the urge to kiss her rose up within him, but he resisted it.

"Barney. What did you say to Barney?" she clarified.

"Oh, I mostly just told him that I love him and need him, and some other sappy stuff that he would probably have rolled his eyes at if he had been awake. You?"

"About the same," she whispered back. "I told him that I was proud of the person he's become. Also that I miss him and wish that we had stayed better friends after the divorce. Stuff like that."

Ted nodded his head understandingly. "What about you, Marshall?" he asked, breaking eye-contact with Robin and moving his gaze to Marshall and Lily who were sitting in the row of chairs across from them.

Marshall wrapped his arm behind Lily's shoulder, whilst shrugging. "Basically the same, except, you know, I didn't tell him that I wished we had stayed better friends after our divorce, but ya' know." Robin chuckled at him and Ted felt his own lips curl upwards. "What did you say, Lilypad?" he asked the whimpering ball of Lily in his arms.

She began wiping at her cheeks and nose again as she looked up and whispered, "Not much. Just that he'd better not have any damn brain damage."

Ted's smile grew as an image of petite little Lily standing over Barney's comatose body whisper-shouting at him that he'd have hell to pay if his brain wasn't ship-shape popped into his head. Ted hoped that her warning had somehow gotten through to him, Lily could be extremely menacing when she wanted to be.

Ted felt one of the cell phones in his pockets begin buzzing and he scrambled to fish it out and answer it. It turned out to be his own phone that was vibrating, and it turned out to be Penny who was calling him. Poor thing, he had been so busy and upset that he had forgotten to keep his children posted. They were probably worried sick. Ted felt a brand new wave of guilt wash over him.

"Hi, sweetheart," he whispered into the phone. Robin took her head off his shoulder and scooted further away in her chair to give him the slightest hint of privacy.

"Hi, dad. I know that it's probably dumb of me to call but it's been awhile and Luke and I just want to know what's going on."

"Yeah, I'm sorry that I haven't called you. Things have been kind of crazy. We're at the hospital right now."

"Oh my God, why?" The pitch of her voice rose dramatically and her breaths grew just a tad bit more frequent.

"Your Uncle Barney jumped into the Hudson."

"He...jumped...into the Hudson?" Ted couldn't tell whether she was worried, amused, or peeved off. Sometimes his daughter was incredibly difficult to read.

"Yeah, and he almost drowned. So now the doctors are keeping him in a comatose state and we're all just waiting around for him to be woken up so we can see whether or not he has brain damage." Ted didn't often sugarcoat things when it came to his children. He viewed it as belittling them; and he knew that they had been through enough and were mature enough they could swallow the un-sugary versions of things. He was surprised that he had managed to get those words out without too much difficulty this time around, though. He guessed that it was because he'd had enough time to calm down and accept the worst-case scenario for what it was, _as painful as it was._

"Wow," Penny exhaled, her voice grew softer as she proceeded to mumble unintelligibly, repeating back what her father had just told her. "Sorry, dad," she said, speaking more loudly now, "Luke just wanted to know what you said."

"Yeah, I figured."

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah, Pen'?"

She hesitated for a moment and Ted felt his stomach twist in on itself. He was programmed to expect bad news of some sort. Instead, Penny whispered, "I love you."

Ted laughed a little, his daughter wasn't normally so mushy. It was a welcome surprise after the day he'd had. "I love you too, sweetheart."

"Don't worry about getting home tonight, I can handle Luke. I'll make sure he's in bed by ten." The other end of the line was filled with a short screaming match between his children before Penny resumed the conversation, acting as though nothing had happened. "So you just stay there as long as you need to, dad. But, um...when he wakes up please call me, okay? I want to know if he's okay."

"Of course," Ted whispered, "Thank you. Stay safe, don't do anything stupid."

"You mean like jump into a river?"

"Yeah, exactly. Your uncle is a terrible example. From now I'm just going to say, don't do anything that Barney _would_ do."

Penny snickered and Ted felt his own mood grow a bit lighter, as well. One of Penny's best qualities was that she always seemed to know how to lift him out of the dumps. She was a blessing. "Sounds good, dad. See you soon, or, you know, whenever."

"Yeah, see you soon, Penny. Tell Luke I say hi, and that I love him."

"Okay, will do."

The line went silent and Ted tucked his phone back into his pocket. His eyes met Robin's and she smiled at him. "You're so cute, all fatherly-like."

"Am I?"

She nodded her head, "You've always been such a dad that's it's a relief that you actually have some kids now. It's less creepy that way."

He grinned at her and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, but my dad jokes have always been funny."

She rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Correction, they've always been funny to you and only you."

"Hey, guys, um...speaking of dads...," Marshall interrupted, directing their attention with a tilted nod of his head.

"Over here!" Ted called, trying to toe the line between trying not to be disruptive and trying to grab Jerome's attention.

The eighty-four year-old man waved back at Ted and hurried over to where the four of them were sleepily lounging in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. "Hello," he said, glancing back and forth between the two couples. He shifted uncomfortably when his eyes fell onto Robin, who had taken to resting her head on Ted's shoulder again. She stared down bashfully and lifted her head off of Ted's shoulder, giving him an apologetic smile. Ted understood, of course it was awkward for her to have the father of her ex-husband see her with her new boyfriend. "Are we allowed to see him now?"

"Yeah, but only one at a time and James is in there with him now so when he gets back you can go to his room," Ted explained.

"Oh, okay, good," Jerome whispered, taking a seat in a chair a few spaces away from where Lily was seated. The group fell quiet for a while, none of them entirely comfortable in the older man's presence. Finally Jerome himself broke the silence by asking them, "So...how is he?"

Ted kept his mouth shut, opting for someone else to take on the burden of answering this particular question. He'd just had this conversation with his daughter and he really didn't want to have it again.

"Blue," Robin mumbled.

"Yeah, that about sums it up," Lily mused, nodding her head solemnly. "Blue."

"He looks dead," Marshall finally whispered, Ted was hardly able to hear him from where he sat.

Lily glared at her husband and shook her head, disapprovingly. "But he isn't. And that's what's most important."

"Okay, but come on, Lily. I've seen corpses look less dead."

Lily's eyes grew harder and she kept on shaking her head at him. "Marshall Erikson, I love you, honey, but shut the hell up, please."

Marshall smiled at her softly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before giving her a kiss on her nose. "I know. It was just hard...seeing him like that, you know?"

Lily nodded, cupping his chin in her hands and pecking him on the lips. "I know, baby, it was...scary. I don't think I've ever even seen Barney stay still for more than five minutes before."

"When do the doctors think he's going to wake up?" Jerome asked, his voice now slightly more trepidatious as he likely felt like he was interrupting a _"moment"_.

"They said in twelve hours like, what...two hours ago?" Robin answered, glancing at Ted so he'd help her out.

"Yeah, I think that's right," he offered. As soon as the words had left Ted's mouth, James appeared strolling down the hallway towards them.

Jerome rose to his feet and stared at Ted expectantly. Ted wasn't sure why he felt that he needed his permission, but he casually nodded his head to give him the go-ahead.

* * *

"Ted, Ted, TED!"

He was on a rollercoaster. Or no, maybe there was an earthquake. His eyes slowly blinked open and he found himself eye-to-eye with Robin Scherbatksy, who was, in his defense, at least a magnitude 7 on the Richter scale.

"Whaa...?" he dazedly murmured, the intrusive white lights of the hospital burning his retinas.

"He's awake!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm awake," he mumbled, "Gosh, be cool, Robin, damn."

Robin rolled her eyes at him, a huge grin still plastered on her face. "Not you, idiot. Barney!"

Ted suddenly snapped to life, rapidly forgetting his fatigue and the searing pain in his eyeballs. "Really!?" he squealed, his voice so high-pitched it could have very easily belonged to his daughter. Robin nodded, enthusiastically. Ted's vision cleared enough that he finally realized that the nurse from earlier, Harper, was looming over him, with a smile nearly as large as Robin's on her face. "I wanna see him, can I see him!?" he asked, practically bouncing up and down in his seat.

"Only two people are going to be allowed in his room at the moment," the nurse replied, "It's up to all of you to decide who those two people will be. Sorry to have to keep making you fight amongst yourselves."

Ted wanted to be a gentleman, but more than that, he wanted to be able to talk to Barney, so he ignored Robin's peeved off look and rose his hand into the air. "Ooh, me! Put me in coach!"

"We already decided who's going first while you were asleep," Marshall told him.

Ted's face fell and his arm dropped back down onto his lap. "Oh..."

"Sorry, buddy, you snooze you lose...Literally."

"Yeah, so, we decided that James gets to be one of the ones to go in first, because he had to wait so long the first time around and he's, ya' know, Barney's brother and all. And then, the person who gets to go in with him is...," Lily paused for a moment to add to the suspense before she shouted out, "You! Congrats, Ted."

Ted hoped into the air, his fist raised triumphantly. "Yes! God, I love you guys! Thank you." He clapped his hands together and grinned at James, who was standing next to the nurse, waiting for him. "Let's do this thing." He groggily stumbled forward with a contradictory jaunty bounce in his step. The nurse laughed and held her hand out to stop him.

"Not so fast, first I need to tell you all the good news."

"I like the sound of that!" Lily exclaimed, "Please proceed."

"Well, it doesn't seem like he has any brain damage. He's still a bit out of it, but he knows who he is and why he's here, and honestly, it's just...well it's a miracle, really."

Ted glanced back at Robin and she smiled up at him knowingly. For once, she didn't say that there were no such things as miracles. Ted honestly wasn't that surprised, he didn't know how anyone, even Robin, could deny that this was a miracle.

"That's incredible," James whispered, an awestruck expression on his face.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" Lily shouted, throwing her arms around her husband and giggling with glee. She quickly turned to look at Ted and James and playfully shook her finger at them. "Why are you still here!? Hurry up, I want to see him!"

Ted smiled back at her and clapped his hands together, ecstatically. "You've got it, Lil'!" He looked over at James, set his hand on his shoulder, and urged him forward. "Let's get a move on!"

James nodded and Nurse Harper began to quickly walk towards Barney's room, beckoning for the pair to follow her. Ted didn't linger at the door like he had the first time around, no, this time he burst through the door and sauntered right on over to Barney's bedside.

"Ted," Barney whispered, his voice hoarse and exhausted. He wasn't looking at Ted as he said it, he was simply staring at the wall across from him.

Ted felt a little discouraged, but he remained fairly cheerful, anyway. However, when James walked into the room and Barney's instantly glanced at him, a faint smile on his exhausted face, Ted's heart fell. Barney wasn't happy to see him. He probably would've preferred it if Lily or Marshall were here in his place. That stung.

"Hey, Barney!" James exclaimed, waving at him, and brushing past Ted so that he could stand over his brother.

James leaned downwards and Barney weakly pulled him into a hug. "Good to see you," he whispered.

Ted loomed behind James, nervously plucking at the hem of his t-shirt. He wanted so very badly to hug Barney too, he wanted it more than anything. He felt like he would be able to find peace again if only he could feel Barney's arms around him for just a few brief, comforting seconds. But Barney didn't want him in his arms, he didn't even want to be near him. His eyes began to fill with moisture and he soon felt tears begin to creep down his cheeks. He felt like a fool, standing there crying. Everything was so much better than he would've dared dream it to be a few hours ago, but yet he still wasn't satisfied. He was a selfish bastard and the fact that Barney was alive and well wasn't enough for him. He was too hung up on the fact that he wasn't wanted. He was still making everything about him. He loathed himself and he loathed his stupid, selfish tears, but yet he couldn't keep them inside.

"Barney," he finally whispered, stepping past James so that he could have a better view of the hospital bed. "I'm so sorry...Please forgive me, Barney. I need you to forgive me. Please. I've been so worried about you..."

Barney finally looked at him for the first time, he seemed to be trying to appear pissed-off, but he was too frail to pull it off, and instead looked like he was about to faint. "Ted...I really want to be mad at you for a little bit longer, so just...just...okay?"

Ted felt his heart instantly begin to soar, and a laugh bubbled up in his throat. He finally gave in and threw his arms around Barney's fragile frame. "No can dosville, baby doll."

Barney grinned at him, and reluctantly returned the hug. "You're an ass, Ted."

"I know," Ted whispered, keeping his arms around Barney until the hug was beyond the point of awkward. "But you've always liked a nice ass."

"Wow, Ted, watch it or I'm really going to start thinking that you're gay for my baby brother," James joked. "I mean, I just texted Tom a series of kissy-face emojis, but this is still by far the gayest conversation I've seen all day."

Barney laughed, coughed for a minute, and then started laughing again. "Ugh, duh, Ted _is_ totally gay for me, who wouldn't be? I can turn any straight man gay with a single glance."

Ted snickered and rolled his eyes. "Please, if anyone is gay for anyone, you're gay for me. Remember back when I started dating that girl, Holli, and I texted you and Marshall that I was having gay dreams about my best friend?" Barney nodded. "You totally wanted them to be about you! That was weird!"

Barney's pale, still slightly blue, face took on a reddish hue as he slowly shook his head. "I just wanted to prove to Marshall that I'm totally obviously the more desirable of the two of us, okay?"

"Rigggghhhht," Ted mumbled.

"Barney, have you ever told Ted that...," James began.

"SSsssssshhhhh. Ssh. Ssh. Jamesssssss!" Barney hissed, glaring at his brother, and shaking his head with as much force as he could muster.

"What!?" Ted asked caught off guard. He glanced between Barney and James with a hopeful expression on his face.

"Oh, Barney, grow up. He's your best friend, he's not going to care."

"Care about what? I won't care. I'm your best friend," Ted rambled, turning his pleading eyes back onto Barney as he waited with bated breath.

Barney shook his head, an odd expression on his face. He suddenly seemed kind of down. Ted remembered for the first time that this was a man who had just tried to commit suicide. So far the three of them had done such a bang-up job ignoring that terribly dismal truth, but there it was, staring Ted in the face again.

James sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry, Ted, if Barney doesn't want you to know, I'm under an obligation to not tell you."

"Damn," Ted muttered, snapping his fingers in frustration. He quickly shot Barney a smile, however, and said, "That's alright. I was going to open up to Barney in return and tell him a really big secret that I haven't told anyone...but I guess we'll both just keep our secrets to ourselves now, then."

Barney's eyes widened and Ted could practically smell his gullibility in the air around them. "Aw, Ted...," he mumbled, frowning.

"Sorry, but, you know, I only share my secrets quid pro quo," Ted said, shrugging his shoulders in a repentant fashion.

"Well fine, then you can keep your cruddy secret," Barney mumbled, "I bet it's stupid, anyway."

"Sure, it is, Barney. Sure it is." Silence fell over the room again and Ted could hear the mood in the room audibly drop. "Barney...did you really want to die?" he finally asked, it came out extremely bluntly and he winced as soon as the words left his mouth.

Barney didn't seem bothered by the question, he simply shrugged his shoulders and whispered, "Yeah. I guess. I mean...I don't know, Ted. I feel okay now, but I'm not okay. You know? It seems stupid now, but when I did it I knew what I was doing and it felt like the right decision and stuff."

"But...are you glad that you're still alive?"

Barney smiled at him weakly. "No." He waited for a moment before adding, "Sorry to disappoint."

"Barney...," Ted whispered, gazing at him sadly. "Fine. Okay. I don't need you to be happy you're alive but I do need you to promise me one thing."

"I won't try it again, Ted. I do regret what I did, like kind of a lot, but only because I feel bad for putting you all through this. So, even if I do eventually feel like taking a dip in another river, I promise I won't, because I know you'd all start sobbing like a bunch of adolescent girls having their first period and I doubt that anyone wants to see that again."

"Oh, you don't even know the half of it, Barney. You should have seen me in the waiting room earlier, I was a blubbering baby. I had a panic attack and everything."

Barney raised an eyebrow, grinning ever-so-slightly. "Really?" he asked, clearly pleased, "You were that worried?"

"Yeah, duh, of course, I was. Barney, you may not realize it, but we all love you so damn much. You've been my friend for twenty-nine years! Twenty-nine years! At this point I can't even begin to fathom life without you around...And I'm just..." Ted had to stop talking for a moment as tears began to stream down his cheeks at a humiliating rate. His voice was gurgled with raw emotion when he tried to complete his thought. "Even if you aren't glad that you're alive, I am. So, so glad. So glad..."

Barney's eyebrows were quivering and his eyes were shimmering with moisture as he mumbled, "God, Ted, you really are such a baby. Stop it, you're embarrassing." Barney fell silent for a moment as he quietly wiped at his cheeks and stared at Ted pensively. "Who am I kidding?" he whispered, "You're flattering me, I love it, please go on."

Ted laughed, and sat down on the side of Barney's bed, there was only a teeny bit of space, so they were even closer than they had been when they slept in the same bed together the night before. "You're awesome, Barney. Never even think about taking your awesomeness away from me ever again."

"Wow, Ted. You're right. It must've been really hard for you to think that the most awesome person you know was going to die. I feel sorry for you."

Ted laughed and awkwardly placed his hand on Barney's cheek. He wasn't sure why he did it, he just knew that he wanted to. Barney still looked so cold and discolored that he just wanted to warm him up and bring some pink back into his cheeks. Barney didn't pull away from his touch, he simply smiled back at him. Ted wanted to think of something else to say, something legendary, but his thought process was put to a stop when James finally spoke up and said, "As much as I hate to say this, we've been in here for almost twenty minutes, Ted. We should probably give someone else the chance to come in." Ted glanced back at him, frowned, and reluctantly nodded his head.

"Wait, who else is here?" Barney asked, sulking as Ted dropped his hand, stood back up, and took a step away from him.

"The ushe'," Ted answered, shrugging, "Lily, Marshall, Robin."

"And your dad," James added, "Although he went to call his wife like an hour ago and no one's seen him since."

"Oh," Barney whispered, his lips pursed and his eyes downcast as a conflicted expression took over his features.

"Who do you want us to send in next? We have to do it Noah style."

"Noah...?"

"Two at a time."

"Okay, then, Robin and Lily, I guess. But then Marshall might get his tighty-whities in a bunch, though...Just let whoever wants to come, come. It wouldn't be cool of me to choose between them."

"But...you just did."

"It wouldn't be cool, Ted."

Ted grinned and nodded his head. "Understood. See you soon, Barney."

"Bye, bro. Love you," James said, as he stepped towards the door, pushed it open, and held it as Ted walked through.

Ted strolled down the hallway and back to the waiting room with a smile the size of the Empire State Building on his face. He felt like he could take on the world. As long as the world still had Barney Stinson in it, then he felt like the world was his.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen," he said, grinning at his friends as he took his seat next to Barney.

"Geez you're chipper," Lily stated, setting down a magazine she had been flipping through and staring at Ted with wide, expectant eyes. "Must've been a good visit."

"Yeah, how is he?" Marshall questioned, his excitement evident in his voice.

"Better than expected," James replied, sitting down next to Lily.

"Yeah," Ted agreed, "I mean, he's obviously depressed or whatever, but we had a really good talk. We both hugged and cried and stuff, it was really nice."

"I thought they were going to make-out," James mumbled, picking up the magazine that Lily had discarded.

Lily laughed and rose to her feet, gleefully clapping her hands together. "Oh, that's so great to hear!"

"I know, right? I never thought they'd relieve all that sexual tension between them," Marshall joked, snickering and holding his hand up to Lily for a high-five, which she freely provided.

Robin laughed then patted Ted's arm as an apology for doing so. "Lily, we should go have our own heartfelt visit, come on," she prompted as she began to stand up.

Ted smirked, knowing that Barney would be happy with the decision the group had seemingly made. "Have fun!" he called as the girls began to disappear down the hallway. He really wished that he could be a fly on the wall for their visit. Mostly because he already missed being at Barney's side.

* * *

"He can't walk?"

"No, not now."

"But he'll be able to soon, right?"

"Yeah, hopefully tomorrow."

"Oh, okay, okay. Well, that's good."

"Yeah," Robin paused and gently set a hand on Ted's lap. "He asked me to ask you for a favor."

Ted smiled at her and nodded his head. "Shoot."

"He wants you to start preparing Ellie's funeral for him. He said he doesn't think he's going to feel up to it anytime soon and he doesn't want to let too much more time pass."

Ted nodded his head again, frowning this time around. "I'll do that, then. I've been meaning to, but...well, you know."

"Things have been insane?"

"Things have been very, very insane."

"And you know, I'll help you with the preparations too, just say the word."

"Okay, thanks, Robin."

"Sure."

"So...what else did you talk to him about?"

Robin shrugged and smiled at him. "Oh, you know, just about how I'm still head-over-heels in love with him and think we should probably get remarried, stuff like that."

"Robin...," Ted mumbled, not very amused. "He really is still head-over-heels in love with you, so making a joke like that...I don't know, it feels wrong."

Robin rolled her eyes and shook her head at him. "Ted, Barney's fine with it. He gave us his blessing."

"Wait, really?" Ted questioned, wide-eyed.

"Yeah, his exact words were, and I quote, _"Don't be too public-y about your displays of affection, because that would be ewww, but other than that, you're the two people that I love most in the world and if you make each other happy, than I'm happy for you.""_

Ted's jaw dropped, and he felt another sprig of tears threaten to spirt out of his eyes. He knew that it must've been extremely hard for Barney to bring himself to say that, and he appreciated it more than he could ever express. "Wow..."

"I know, I was surprised too."

"Yeah...wow...," Ted repeated, dumbly.

"And Lily promised not to tell anyone that we're Barney's favorites, so that's good."

Ted laughed and gave Robin a chaste peck on the cheek to celebrate. "I'm head-over-heels in love with you."

"Hey, lovebirds!" Marshall called, walking back into the waiting room after his visit with Barney. Jerome was trailing after him, having finally been located and prompted to take the final spot in Barney's visiting schedule.

"Hey!" Ted called back. "How was it?"

"Good, great, good. He was pretty tired, though. You guys wore him out, jerks."

"It was that make-out sesh with Ted that did it," James stated, nodding his head knowingly.

"Yeah, sorry," Ted said, shrugging, "I should have known that he wasn't really up for it."

"Yeah, well, I think he's asleep now. He said that we should all go home."

"But..."

"He's right, Ted. What good is hanging around in the waiting room while he sleeps going to do?" Robin asked.

"Fine," Ted mumbled, "Can you take a cab home?"

Robin nodded her head, a slightly confused look on her face. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm going to stay here."

"Ted..."

"I don't think I'd be able to breathe if I go home without him...I'd be too worried."

Robin smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss before rising to her feet. "Okay, Ted. Take good care of him. I'll be back soon."

Lily also stood up, and quickly joined Marshall. "Love you, Ted," she said, smiling sweetly, "I'm glad you're staying with him, that sets my mind at ease."

He nodded his head and smiled back at her. "Go get some rest, you old biddies."

* * *

Soon he was alone. Sitting in the same uncomfortable chair he had been sitting in for hours, staring at the same wilting plant he had been staring at for hours. He had already called Penny and told her the good news. She'd been fine with him staying at the hospital. He hadn't really been worried that she'd be upset with him, he knew that she wouldn't be.

He stood up, just to stretch his legs at first, but soon he found that he was moving with a particular destination inside him. He was fairly certain that he wasn't allowed to go into Barney's room right now, but no one tried to stop him, so he managed to quietly sneak in and shut the door behind him.

Barney was asleep on the bed, his chest rhythmically rising and falling. It was a bit disconcerting for Ted to see him like that, as he looked very similar to how he had looked when he was comatose. He wasn't nearly as blue right now, though, so that was comforting, at least.

Ted took a seat on one of the chairs along the wall in the room, and simply watched Barney sleep for a moment, he felt like a creeper, but it felt good to be in the same room as him again. As long as he had his eyes on Barney, he knew, for certain, that he wasn't going anywhere. He just wanted to keep Barney in his field of vision so that he could rest assured that his heart was still beating.

He eventually found himself yawning and he tried to get comfortable enough in the chair to fall asleep, but his efforts went unrewarded. He stared longingly at Barney's bed before he finally got up and moved to it. He was extremely careful not to disrupt Barney as he crept into the bed next to him.

It was a tight fit, but his efforts were rewarded and he was out cold mere minutes later.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **New chapter coming next week~**


	5. Here Lies

"I don't normally wake up in bed with the same person twice in a row, you know?"

Ted's eyes quickly sprung open at the sound of Barney's voice so very close to his ear. He glanced over and smiled at his feeble friend. "Barney, you haven't had a one-night-stand in nine years."

"Oh, please, that's such a lie. Yeah, yeah, I'm reformed, but come on, I didn't become a monk, Ted."

Ted grinned at him. "Coulda sworn that you did, didn't you make us all take a broath?"

Barney laughed and nodded his head. "Oh yeah! Those were good times."

"Yeah, they really were," Ted agreed, his tone full of honey-suckled nostalgia.

"So, why are you here?"

"My mom and dad forgot to use protection."

"Makes sense."

Barney gazed at Ted with questioning eyes and Ted relented. "I just...didn't feel like leaving you yet."

"Ugh, Ted, you're getting so damn clingy...where's my hoe-be-gone system when I need it?" Barney was smiling when he said it, so Ted knew that he was actually glad that he had stuck around.

"Yeah, you're right, I should probably leave," Ted whispered, scooting a few centimeters away. Barney tried to mask the panic-stricken expression on his face, but Ted caught it and burst out laughing. "I'm just kidding, I'm not going anywhere."

Barney rolled his eyes and quickly looked away from him. "Do whatever you want. It's not like I care."

"Right, of course not."

"Is everyone else gone?"

"Yeah, they were all tired and wanted to get some rest."

Barney nodded understandingly. "Did the doctors say when I could blow this Popsicle joint?"

"Not that I heard, sorry."

"Damn. I'm so beyond sick of hospitals."

"Tell me about it. I practically lived here when Tracy was sick."

Barney frowned at him and whispered, "Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm sorry that I'm making you stick around here."

"Barney, I'm here of my own free will, don't worry about it."

Barney's frown faded and was replaced by an uneasy smile. "Thanks for being here, Ted," he whispered; his eyes were shy and downcast as he said it.

"Of course," Ted whispered, smiling back at him.

The door into the room opened without warning and startled Barney as his eyes quickly snapped up to look at it. Ted put his hand on Barney's arm to calm him down as an unfamiliar nurse strolled into the room. She grinned at the pair and jovially said, "Oh good, you're finally awake."

Ted tilted his head in confusion and asked, "You knew that I was in here?"

She nodded her head and began to walk towards the bed that they were both still lying on together. "Yeah, but you both looked so sweet and peaceful, I just had to let you sleep."

Ted's confusion faded into a smile as he replied by saying, "Well, thanks for letting me stay."

"Oh, please. Our main goal here is to make our patients comfortable and happy, thank _you_ for helping us out with that." Ted laughed and glanced over at Barney, catching a ghost of a smile on his lips. "And, I hate to say this, but now that you're awake one of the doctors would like to speak to you."

Barney pointed at himself and asked, "Me?"

The nurse shook her head at him and pointed at Ted. "You. If you could just...step out into the hallway for a moment?"

Barney's smile immediately disappeared. "Umm...no. That isn't going to happen. I'm not going to let you lure Ted out into the hallway so you can have some convo about me behind my back with him."

"Barney...," Ted whispered while nervously nibbling his lip, "It's alright."

Barney took a deep breath and seemed to calm down but his eyes were filled with a deep unspoken sadness when he nodded his head at Ted and whispered, "Fine, then. Go."

The nurse glanced uneasily back and forth between the two of them before she began walking back to the door, gesturing for Ted to follow her. Ted cupped his hand around Barney's chin for a brief moment as he gently whispered, "I'll be right back," before he made his way out into the hallway.

There was a doctor waiting for him out there, the doctor from before, the one Ted wanted to kill in cold blood. The gentle nurse had already disappeared into the labyrinth of the hospital, though. "Hello," the doctor said, his voice monotone and professional, "May I ask your name?"

"Ted," he growled, already wishing the conversation to be over.

"Ok, Ted. Could we go chat in the waiting room for a moment?"

Ted shrugged and began walking towards it. Once they arrived they took seats next to each other and the doctor shifted in his chair to face Ted. "So, Ted, what is your relationship to the patient?"

"Barney," Ted mumbled, "The patient has a name."

"My apologies, what is your relationship to Barney?"

"We're...best friends." Ted knew it sounded lame, and it didn't even begin to sum up all that they really meant to each other. There was so much that the elementary term didn't even begin to describe.

"Not...partners?"

"In what? Crime?"

The doctor rose an eyebrow, cleared his throat, and awkwardly continued his interview. "Well, Ted, though Barney's recovering very nicely physically, what we're worried about now is his mental state. Is it fair to assume that his near-drowning incident was a result of a suicide attempt?"

Ted nervously licked his lips and then enthusiastically shook his head. "Barney!?" he exclaimed. "Oh, no way! Listen, I wasn't there, but I'm sure he was probably just tired or drunk or something and fell. Barney would never try to commit suicide! God, he's the last person that would pull something like that."

"Really...?" The doctor didn't sound like he believed him at all.

Ted's breath caught in his throat as he grew desperate. He _had_ to be more convincing. If he couldn't convince this shit-stain that Barney wasn't suicidal they would take Barney away from him again and there was no way in hell that he could allow that to happen. Barney needed him; not some white rooms, medicine cocktails, and group therapy secessions. And he needed Barney.

"Yeah. Really. Man, he just got engaged why would he kill himself now?" Ted had no idea why he said it. His brain had been racked for something that would make a person happy and that was the first thing that had come to his mind. Engagement. Great. That was totally not an overly elaborate lie that would broil into a giant mess and bubble out onto his white sneakers.

"Engaged!?" the doctor exclaimed, his eyebrows raising even higher than they had been before. Ted wondered why he thought it so improbable that Barney could get engaged.

"Yeah. To me. I lied about our relationship, it's still...kind of a secret. Not all of our friends and family are that...accepting, you know?" _Yeah, Nice save, Ted. Barney's engaged to you. Nice save. Let's just hope he didn't notice how lovey-dovey you and Robin were yesterday._

"Oh, yes, I can understand that. Well, then, I wish you two good luck with your engagement. I suppose in that case, we'll release Barney to go back home with you as soon as he is strong enough to walk."

Ted smiled and nodded his head, silently celebrating his victory. "That sounds good, thank you." He had successfully carried an elaborate lie to the finish line, Barney would be proud.

* * *

"Ready?"

"No, I don't want to go, can I please just stay here?"

Ted stared down at his feet so that Barney couldn't see the vastness of the pity in his eyes. He tugged the passenger door of his car open and gestured for Barney to climb inside. "No, Barney. You need to go. It will...help you say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye, Ted! I want to teach her how to drive a car, I want to clap for her when her name gets called at graduation, I want to waste money on a big elaborate wedding and walk her down the aisle, I want her to start a family and have children of her own. I don't want to say goodbye, Ted! So why do I have to go?"

Ted dropped his hand off of the door and walked towards Barney, pulling him into his arms as soon as he reached him. "I know," he soothed, "Today is going to suck, Barney. We both know that. But it's something that you need to get through."

Barney wrapped his arms around Ted in return and whispered, "I don't know if I can."

"Of course you can," Ted whispered back, "You can get through anything. And besides that, I'm going to be with you all day so if you need a shoulder to lean on, lean on mine."

Barney stepped away from the hug and nodded his head. "Okay. I might also need a shoulder to cry on, though."

"Well, then you're in luck, because I've got one of those too." Ted moved back towards the car and began to walk around to the driver's side. Barney soon joined him inside of the car and Ted turned the key in the ignition. "Are you sure about wearing that?" Ted asked, glancing over at Barney one last time. He had raided Ted's closet that morning and had donned a black pull-over sweater that was noticeably too big for him, a pair of plain black slacks, and an old scuffed-up pair of black sneakers, because they fit him better than any of Ted's other pairs of shoes.

Barney instantly nodded his head and resolutely stated, "Yeah. Your hideous clothing announces better than anything else what a tragedy this is."

Ted snickered and shrugged his shoulders as he set his hands down on the steering wheel. "You wore a suit to your mom's funeral."

"I gave in to peer-pressure."

Ted smiled to himself as his house began to disappear from his rearview mirror. Honestly, he was relieved that Barney wasn't a wearing a suit. It proved that he still had enough spirit to go against social norms and that was a comfort to Ted.

"Dad, where is this church?" Luke asked from the back seat, leaning forward to get a better view of the road ahead of them.

"It's really close, Luke, we'll be there in a minute," Ted answered. He could hear Barney take a deep breath in the seat next to him, and he reached his hand out to reassuringly pat his best friend's knee.

Barney looked over at him, worry etched over his features. "Hey, Ted?"

"Yeah, Barney?"

"I have to give a eulogy."

"Yeah...what's your point? Please tell me that you have something prepared..."

"Nope. Not a thing."

Ted sighed and nodded his head in understanding. "That's alright. Who could blame you? You were in the hospital until yesterday afternoon, you haven't had any time to prepare for this. Anything you say will be fine."

"I thought about talking about her last words," Barney paused, his eyes growing moist as he tried to force himself to continue talking, "But then I remembered that I completely ignored her last words to me and that that's the reason that she's dead."

"You aren't the reason that she's dead, Barney. Stop thinking like that."

"I am, though. I'm going to have to go up there and give a stupid eulogy and the whole time I'm just going to be thinking about the fact that I killed her and there's nothing that I can say that can change that."

"You didn't kill her!"

"Yeah, Ted. I kind of did."

"You took your eyes off of her for five seconds and something that you could never have anticipated happened; that isn't your fault."

"I should be in jail. Don't they put parents in jail for stuff like this?"

"No, Barney, that's ridiculous. You're acting like you kept her in a closet for five years and only fed her table scraps. You were a great father and should definitely not be in jail for neglect. That's ridiculous."

"I think I'd feel better if I _were_ in jail. At least then I wouldn't have to...Oh shit, Ted! Is that it?"

"Yes, Barney. We're here."

"Alright, well. That's it. I'm staying in the car. I can't do this, Ted. Ted, please. Can I just stay in the car?"

"No. Come on, let's just bite the bullet and go inside."

"Nah, I'm good. Biting bullets sounds painful. I think I'd really rather not." Barney's eyes widened suddenly and he gasped before clicking his seatbelt undone and ducking down into the space below the dashboard.

"What!?" Ted shouted, staring down at him in shock.

"Jackie," Barney hissed.

"Oh crap, where?"

"Brunette, walking into the church, she's usually a six, can be a seven if she tries hard enough."

"Okay. Well, she just went inside, so the coast is clear."

Barney crawled back into his seat, his breaths coming out erratically. "Well now I really can't go inside! There's no force in this world strong enough to get me to face Jackie right now. She's terrifying on a good day."

"Barney, let's just go inside. If she tries to bother you, I'll send her packing. I'm the one who planned this whole thing, so it's completely within my jurisdiction to kick someone out."

"That's right!" Barney exclaimed, glaring at Ted as he pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You _are_ the one who planned this! Why the hell did you invite her!? Did the devil seize your soul while you were in the middle of making the guest list?"

"She's Ellie's mom, Barney, she has to be here."

" _Right_ , because it was okay for her to not be there for Ellie's first steps and there was no problem with her missing Ellie staring in her elementary's performance of _The Wizard of Oz_ , but for this she just _has_ to be here." Barney rolled his eyes, and juvenilely folded his arms over his chest. "That makes sense."

"Barney, stop. You know that she has a right to be here."

"I know no such thing," he mumbled, indignantly.

"Look, there's Robin. Let's go in with her."

To Ted's great astonishment that actually got Barney to open his door. To Ted's great displeasure, all that Barney did once his door was open was yell out, "Robin! Come here!"

Robin spun around and smiled when she saw them. She began running as fast as her high-heeled shoes would allow until she was standing just in front of Ted's car. "Hey, guys!" she said, perhaps a bit too jovially for the occasion.

Ted opened his own door so that he'd could talk to her. "Robin, I can't get Barney to go inside. A little help?"

"I have lots of scotch and beer in my purse," was Robin's response to Ted's plea.

Barney's eyebrows rose and he stepped out of the car and made his way over to her. "Yessss. Robin, I love you. I want to get so drunk that I can't see straight."

Ted immediately sprang out of the car as well, his blood boiling within his veins. "No!" he yelled, turning his furious eyes onto Robin as he grabbed her wrist to keep her from unzipping the bag slung around her shoulder. "Robin! You are not getting Barney drunk! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Robin rapidly flung her arm out of Ted's grip. "Ease off!" she yelled, her own eyes just as furious. "Stop acting like you're his damn babysitter. Barney can make his own decisions! He doesn't need you to constantly stand over him and tell him what he can and can't do!"

"Barney can't make his own decisions, Robin! Three days ago Barney decided to kill himself. Is that fine by you? Should we have just stood back and supported his decision, Robin!?"

"Whoa, umm...I'm right here. And also, could you maybe not have this extremely loud and alarmingly personal conversation in the middle of a church parking lot..."

Some of the anger had leaked out of Robin's eyes in the form of scorching, salty tears. Her hands were clenched into fists as she reached to wipe the moisture off her cheeks. "How could you even say that to me, Ted? You really think that you're the only one who almost lost their mind over what he did? But Barney promised you that he wouldn't ever do something like that again, and I'm inclined to believe him. If he needs to get sloshed to make it through this shitty day, then he should be able to."

"No. Okay, Robin? There's no way I'm going to let you give him anything. Let's just go inside."

"No, Ted. Robin's right. You've been super controlling ever since I got back from the hospital. You slept with your door open last night so that you'd be able to hear me if I left my room. And then when I left my room and went downstairs specifically just to test if that's really why you had your door open. You followed me downstairs, waited for me to fill up a glass of water, and watched me until I went back into my room. Plus, don't think I haven't noticed that the knife drawer in the kitchen is empty, as is the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Oh, and also! Also! You invited Jackie. So really, you're the reason that I need to get drunk."

"Fine, go ahead, both of you, paint me as the villain. I don't care. I know that I'm being overprotective of you, Barney, but better that than have you plunge one of the knives I hid into your chest."

Barney rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in the most melodramatic of fashions. "God, Ted! I promised that I wouldn't, so would you just please let it go already!?"

"Let it go!?" Ted shouted, waving his arms to match Barney's level of theatrical flair. "No, I won't let it go! I'm never going to let it go! I almost lost you, how the hell am I supposed to get over that!?" Barney and Robin were now staring at Ted with bitter pity in their eyes; he found himself reminded of why Barney hated it so very much.

"Okay, sorry," Barney whispered, "You're right, let's just...just go inside. I guess."

"Penny, Luke, come on!" Ted called, looking back over his shoulder to where his children were still taking shelter in the backseat of his car so that they wouldn't be hit by any of the shrapnel from his fight with Robin.

Robin began walking towards the church, her footfalls free of any remaining resentment, but heavy with the more dismal mood that had replaced it. Barney began to follow after her, but before he got very far he froze and spun back around to face Ted. "Ted...Thanks for looking out for me. I mean, you're being incredibly overbearing and obnoxious, but I really appreciate the thought. And the fact that you care enough to sleep with your door open and empty your medicine cabinets...that means a lot."

Ted smiled at him and took a few steps forward to meet him. "Barney, I'd clean out any number of medicine cabinets for you."

The corners of Barney's lips moved just the slightest bit in the upwards direction. "Be still my heart," he whispered, shaking his head as he turned back around and resumed his journey inside. Ted waited for Luke and Penny to join up with him before he began to trail after Barney, who was waiting for him at the door.

"You want us to go in first?" Ted offered.

Barney nodded his head and tugged the door open for Ted and his children to walk through it. "Please."

The chapel wasn't very crowded, Ted had kept the guest list intimate, figuring that Barney would prefer it that way. Lily and Marshall were waiting with Marvin, Daisy, and Holly on the second pew. James, Tom, Eli, and Sadie were right behind them, and behind them was Jerome, Cheryl, J.J., and Carly, and behind them was...Jackie.

Barney squealed when he caught sight of her, ducked behind Ted, and began clutching the sleeves of Ted's suit nervously. "Barney, stop," Ted whined, stepping away from him so that he couldn't be used as shield any longer.

The eyes of the entire assembly turned back to them and Barney's eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlights. He looked like he was going to start crying and Ted immediately felt horrible. He should have just let Barney hide behind him. Lily waved back at them and Luke and Penny stepped past them so that they could go meet up with her. Barney continued to stand, unmoving, in the entryway. Ted sighed and finally became so desperate to get Barney to his seat that he gingerly grabbed his hand, gave it a soft squeeze, and began to pull him forwards. Barney stared down at his hand with a weird sort of wonder in his eyes before he glanced back up at Ted, smiled ever-so-slightly, and began to make his way past the rows of pews.

They had almost made it to the front, Ted could taste the sweet victory of his long uphill battle to get Barney to come this far, when they were stopped by a voice calling out, "Hey, Barney!" A voice, belonging to, none other than the lazy, selfish bimbo herself, Jackie.

Barney froze up again as he slowly turned back around to face her. She had left her seat and was walking towards them with alarming speed. Barney looked like he wanted to run, but she had reached them before he had the chance to take a step. "Jackie...," Barney breathed out, his voice hardly audibly.

"Barney...," Jackie whispered back, sounding just as hesitant. "Can I sit up front with you? Would that be alright?"

Ted had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping. His shock grew exponentially when Barney nodded his head and gave her an affirmative, "Sure, go ahead."

"Thanks," she mumbled, walking ahead to the front pew and quickly sitting down.

Ted gave Barney a questioning glance which was met with a lopsided shrug that made Ted aware of the fact that they were still holding hands. Ted didn't let go of his hand until Barney took a seat next to Jackie and Ted sat down on his other side, letting Luke and Penny fight for the remaining spot next to their father. Ted leaned over the back of the bench so that he could see Lily and Marshall who both met his eyes with a loving smile. "My sister is coming, I hope that's alright," he heard Jackie say as he spun back around to face the front of room.

"Yeah, of course, it is," Barney answered, his voice lacking any emotion. "Have I met her?"

"No, I don't think that you have."

"Oh."

Ted grinned and sighed in relief, feeling a weight roll off of his back as he bore witness to the fact that Barney and Jackie were actually capable of being civil with each other.

Ted's smile fell as his eyes settled on the casket only a few feet away from them. It was closed, not by choice, but by necessity. Barney had sobbed in his arms when he had told him that an open casket wasn't an option, that Ellie's body was too mangled for it to be an option.

A priest was standing at the pulpit above the casket now, but Ted couldn't hear a word he was saying. Ted couldn't think about anything other than the fact that in that ornate little brown rectangle was the corpse of his best friend's daughter. The gravity of it hit him like a brick. It hadn't felt a hundred percent real before that moment.

"Ted," Barney whispered, his mouth so close to his ear that Ted could feel his hot breath sending tingles against his skin. "I have to speak first. I still don't know what to say. SOS."

"Just speak from the heart," Ted whispered back, not at all surprised when Barney scoffed at his cliché words. A women suddenly plopped down next to Jackie, presumably her sister. The bench was now cramped, and Ted was hyperaware of Barney's thigh touching his. Compelled by an unknown force, he set his hand down on Barney's lap as he gave him a reassuring smile. "Like I said, anything that you say will be fine."

Barney nervously chewed on his bottom lip and rapidly shook his head back and forth. Ted was distantly aware of the fact that the priest had fallen silent, but only when he felt Barney's thigh begin to separate from his did he realize what that meant. It was go time.

"Good luck," he whispered as Barney began to make his way to the front of room. He found that he was incredibly nervous himself, which made him wonder how sick inside Barney must feel. He tried to remember what he had said for Tracy's eulogy, but his mind was drawing a blank. He thought that it was likely just a babbled stream of him recounting over and over again how much he had loved her. He remembered trying to write down what he was going to say the night before, and realizing halfway through a page of notebook paper that he had written down nothing but a bunch of incoherent crap. He had scrapped it and spoken "from the heart", which had turned out to be full of equally incoherent, but slightly more passionate, crap.

"Um...hello." Ted was snapped back into reality as his eyes flittered up to where Barney was standing, clenching the hem of his shirt to keep his hands from shaking. "Thank you for coming...," he winced, obviously upset by how poorly his speech was starting off. He took a deep breath to try to build up his resolve before saying, "Ellie was the love of my life. For nine wonderful years she was the reason that I woke up in the morning. Before she came along I didn't have anything in my life that really made being alive worth the effort. For so long I had just been going through the motions...But she changed that. She filled a spot in my heart that I hadn't even realized was empty. She was...God, she was my everything." Barney cupped his hand over his mouth as tears began to roll down his cheeks. "Sorry," he whispered, grinning nervously as he frantically wiped away the moisture. "I know that I should probably tell some cute story about how awesome she was, but my brain isn't really working right now...I just...I have no clue what I'm going to do without her. She made my life worth more than I had ever imagined that it could be worth and now I'm back at square one, and my everything is...gone."

Ted caught Barney's eyes and they held each other's gaze for a long, silent moment before Barney took a deep breath and resumed speaking. "I know that this will make it sound like this is some sort of award acceptance speech or something, but I need my friends to know how grateful I am to them that they've been there for me, because without her they're all that I have and...Ummm...anyway, I really don't know what else to say...I so totally wasn't prepared for this. Sorry...again." Ted smiled at Barney whose eyes had fallen back onto him and Barney nervously smiled back at him. "Basically, I guess my point is that, Ellie was the best thing to ever happen to me. And I thank God, or whatever, that she was my daughter. Or you know, is my daughter. Cause' hey, if there's a God to thank, then there's a heaven that she's totally in right now, petting puppies, drinking lemonade, chilling poolside. Nine years wasn't enough time to spend with her, I feel pretty gypped, but I wouldn't give up the memory of those nine years for the world. And, in those nine years Ellie changed me, I mean, if you knew me before, then you know how much of a better man I am now, because of her. I miss her," he paused, sniffled, and said, "Now...umm...I'm going to go sit back down because I'm about to start crying again."

Sure enough, Barney was sitting back down next to Ted five seconds later, his head in his hands, his shoulders heaving. Ted put his hand on Barney's back and whispered, as tears began to fall down his own cheeks, "You did great, Barney."

* * *

The rest of the day consisted of eulogies from Jackie, one of Ellie's teachers, Lily, and James. In Ted's humble opinion, none of them held a candle to Barney's. Following those, they all had to pile back into their cars and drive to the grave spot to see that ornate little brown rectangle be placed six feet down into the dirt. Barney was back in Ted's car before the final words had even been said; gasping for breath in-between his sobs and demanding that Ted take him home immediately.

Ted had complied, and now it was six o'clock and he had just placed an order for three large pizzas, because Barney had refused to allow Ted to make preparations for a traditional post-funeral dinner. Robin, Lily, and Marshall had all showed up on his doorstep, anyway, though.

Barney was up in the guestroom by himself, which made Ted more anxious than he cared to admit. His mind kept flickering back to what had happened the last time he had left a downtrodden Barney in his bedroom alone. Eventually he couldn't take the stress of it anymore and he began to make his way up the staircase. His hand was raised, he had formed a fist, and he was just about to rap it against the wood of the door, when the door suddenly flew open and he found himself face to face with Lily.

He hadn't a clue that she was in there. He had thought that she was in the bathroom, or something. "Reading" an incredibly large "magazine". But no, she had been alone with Barney in his room the whole time. To say that Ted's curiosity was peaked would be a gross understatement. Lily's eyes bulged when she saw him. "Oh, h-hey, hey, there, Ted," she stuttered, nervously giving him a small wave of her hand.

"Hi, Lily...," he greeted, eyebrows raised.

Ted got distracted when his gaze fell on Barney and Lily took that as her chance to escape down the stairs. Ted glanced back at her form dashing away from him with annoyance, before quickly returning his attention to Barney, he seemed to have himself far more put together than he had the last time Ted had seen him. "Hi, Ted."

"Hi, Barney."

"You were worried about me, huh? Thought I'd jumped out the window?"

"Something like that."

Barney shook his head, making a "tsk" sound. "You really have no faith in me, do you? My word is oak, Ted! I promise you that I'm not going to break my promise."

Ted sighed and half-heartedly shrugged his shoulders. "It's not that I don't trust you, I just...Can't help but worry."

Barney frowned at him, still shaking his head. "You know what you should be worried about, Ted?"

Ted rolled his eyes, already anticipating whatever snarky comment it was that was about to come out of his mouth. "What, Barney?" he deadpanned.

"Me dying of suffocation. From you. Because, you know, you're smothering me."

"Barney, we already established earlier today that you love me smothering you, so stop being so coy."

"Ewwwww. Coy? Who the hell says coy?"

"Sorry?" Ted rolled his eyes again before gesturing for Barney to get up and follow him. "Come on, I just ordered some pizzas, they should be here soon."

Barney crawled out of his bed and made his way into the hallway mumbling, "I don't know, Ted, I might be too coy to eat pizza right now."

Ted looked back at him from over his shoulder with a disapproving expression on his face. "You don't even know what coy mean, do you?"

"Pssh. No, I totally know. I don't think _you_ know."

"Not a clue, Barney," Ted whispered as they arrived on the first floor to the living room where Lily, Marshall, Robin, Penny, and Luke were gathered.

The other five smiled when they saw them, and Robin moved to sit on Ted's recliner so that there was room on the large couch for Ted and Barney to sit next to Lily and Marshall. The doorbell rang just as Ted was about to take a seat and he fished his wallet out of his pocket before going to answer it.

By the time he got back to the living room Barney had already taken the open spot next to Lily and she was doing her best to stifle the smile ghosting over her lips. Ted felt the frustration of his curiosity swell within his heart once more, and he wanted nothing more than to drop the awkwardly large pizza boxes, swoop Lily up in his arms, and cart her off to his kitchen where he'd be able to interrogate her in peace. She was an easy egg to crack, he'd have all of the intel he craved within five seconds flat.

Instead, he placed the boxes on the coffee table, flipping them open so that his friends and family could dig in, and sat down next to Barney. Marshall leaned forward to grab a slice of pre-cut pizza and used his hand as a makeshift plate as he did his best to devour it without laying claim to Ted's couch in stringy mozzarella and chunky marinara.

Ted pulled a slice for himself, but as he brought the cheese and meat covered triangle to his lips he found that he wasn't all that hungry. Today had been an emotionally exhausting day for him, and the knot in his stomach was occupying the spot where his food should have gone. He forced himself to eat the slice, anyway, but he didn't reach for a second. Barney ignored the food altogether, which distressed Ted. Barney was already a skinny guy, but Ted was worried that if he kept this up much longer he'd be able to see his ribs soon.

Robin, Luke, Penny, and Marshall were all working on their second slices when it occurred to Ted that Lily hadn't even taken a single slice yet, either. Her smile had faded and now she just looked uneasy, a little sick, even. Ted couldn't take it anymore. He had to think of a way to isolate her from the group. His mind was drawing a blank, though.

"This pizza is pretty good, Ted, nice choice," Marshall said, trying to make small talk to ease the tension that had fallen over the room.

"Huh?" Ted mumbled, completely out of it. "Oh, yeah. It is. Thanks. I kind of have a sweet tooth now, though. Wish I had something for dessert." He caught sight of the instantaneous sparkle in Lily's eyes and an involuntary smile broke out on his lips. This was it. He had managed to formulate a foolproof plan.

"I could whip something up if you want," Lily offered, smiling back at him.

Ted nodded his head. "Wow! Yeah, that'd be awesome. You sure you wouldn't mind?"

"Nah, I love cooking for you guys. You have the ingredients for a chocolate cake?"

"Indeed I do. Here, let me go show you where everything is." Ted stood up off the couch and began walking towards his kitchen, beckoning for her to follow him.

They made it into the kitchen without a hitch and as soon as the door flew closed behind them Ted spun around and shook a finger at Lily. "Where's the poop, Lily?" he hissed.

"What?" she asked, faux-gasping. "Poop? Honey, leave the poop-smelling to the professionals, there's no poop here."

"There's a whole heaping load of it, Lily! It's collecting flies! You really think that I can't smell it all over you?"

Lily's eyebrows rose and she mumbled, "Gross, Ted. I think you're taking this metaphor a little too far..."

"Don't change the subject!" Ted snapped, still shaking his finger at her. "What did you and Barney talk about? Why are you acting so weird?"

"What Barney and I talked about is none of your damn business, Ted. We just talked about his feelings."

"Lily, if Barney told you something...like, for example something he told you not to tell anyone else, then you should definitely tell me, because there's only one reason that anyone ever tells you secrets anymore, Lily, it's so that you'll expose them! Barney wants me to know whatever it is that he told you, so just hurry up and spill it."

Lily shook her head, crossing her arms together. "Not going to happen, Ted. Barney's been carrying this secret for as long as he's known us, it must've been so hard on him...There's no way that I'm just going to go ahead and tell you an hour after being entrusted with such a well-guarded secret, Ted, so you can just forget it."

"Come on, Lily! Please! I really want to know!" Ted begged, deciding to try a different approach.

"Nah-ah," she mumbled, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him. "I know that I'm not known for being the best at keeping secrets, but my lips are sealed for this one."

"You're going to disappoint Barney, Lily! Obviously this is something that he's too scared to tell me himself so he told you and is expecting you to tell me so that he doesn't have to. He knows how loose your lips are!"

"No...," Lily whispered, her eyebrows scrunched together as she seemed to be considering Ted's words.

Good. It appeared that he had chipped her armor. With just a little more pressure, surely he could break her. "I'm Barney's best friend, there's nothing you could tell me that he wouldn't be okay with me knowing."

She shook her head again. "No, Ted, you don't get it. This secret...it's about you."

Ted's eyes widened. "Oh, come on! Then he's totally expecting you to tell me! You know it, I know it, so just go on and tell me!"

Lily's lips twisted and trembled as she tried her best to keep it in. Ted knew that expression all too well, the secret would surely fly out of her mouth in 3...2...1...

"Barney'sinlovewithyou!" she burst, her words coming out in a jumbled bunch of breathless energy.

"He's in what now...?" Ted whispered, grabbing onto his countertop to keep his legs from giving out from underneath him.

Lily sighed, shame reddening her cheeks. "Barney told me that he's bisexual, mostly straight because...well, to quote him, "Boobs, Lily! Boobs!", but he said that he's had a crush on you since the day he met you. He figured that there was no point in doing anything about it because he knows that you're straight, so he just forgot about it and wound up falling in love with Robin instead, but he said that his feelings for you are staring to resurface now and he hates it." Lily's eyes met his before she slowly closed hers and took a deep breath. "God, Ted! I knew I shouldn't have told you," she mumbled. "Now you're going to act weird around him and he's going to know that you know."

Ted's heart was beating like a hummingbird's, he feared that he was on the very verge of cardiac arrest. Shocked, surprised, astonished, these were not words that could sum up the way that Ted felt. He felt like the ground had vanished out from under him and he was being forced to pretend that he didn't notice that he was eternally plummeting downwards. He felt like every color in the universe had suddenly been replaced by colors he had never even known existed and now the whole world just felt...off. Everything felt so very different now and he couldn't decide whether it made him want to burst out in laughter or explode into a fit of sobs. So, he just played it cool. "Lily, I'm not going to act weird around him. It will be fine," he said, shaking his head and waving away her concerns.

"I just destroyed your friendship...Dammit, Ted! Why'd you make me tell you!?" Ted knew that if Lily had her purse with her he would be being severely beaten with it right about now.

Ted set a hand on her shoulder grinning. "Lily, it's fine," he repeated. "So, Barney's attracted to me, whatever. That doesn't change anything between us."

Lily shook her head, frowning. "I wish that it was that simple, Ted! But do you really think that you can keep him from finding out that you know? You really think that the way you act around him isn't going to change, not at all?"

Ted bit at the inside of his cheek, his eyes downcast as he shrugged. "You really shouldn't have told me..."

Lily let out a near feral growl and stamped her foot in exasperation. "You son of a bitch! I tried to warn you!"

"Alright. What's done is done, but we absolutely cannot let Robin and Marshall in on this. If they know we don't stand a shot at keeping Barney from finding out that you're not the only one that knows."

Lily nodded her head in agreeance. "I wasn't planning on telling them."

"Good. We'll see if you can actually manage to keep this a secret from your beloved Marshmallow, though. The odds aren't in our favor on that one."

Lily glared at him as she mumbled, "I'll do just fine, Ted."

Neither of them spoke for a minute, until Ted built up the courage to ask, "Did...did he really use the word "love"?"

A small smile shifted Lily's features once more as she nodded her head. "Yeah...he did. It was when he was telling me about his sexuality he said that, umm...that you're the only man that he's ever fallen in love with."

Ted closed his eyes, placing a hand against his heart, feeling as though her words had physically wounded him. "Oh God," he whispered, "Barney..."

"I swear, Ted, if you break his heart right now, I'm going to be so pissed at you!" Lily whisper-shouted, her eyes narrowing in on him.

Ted's eyes widened and he helplessly shrugged his shoulders. "What do you want me to do, Lily? I'm not gay!"

Lily rolled her eyes and slammed her hands down on the kitchen counter. "I know, Ted! I'm not asking you to pretend to reciprocate his feelings, all I ask is that you...respect them."

"Respect?"

Tears suddenly sprang to Lily's eyes and she quickly began wiping them away, even as they continued to flow. "I don't know," she mumbled, "I just bet that it made his heart ache when you slept in his hospital bed with him, or when you held his hand at the funeral today...It's like having someone put the most decadent cake in the world on a plate right in front of you and knowing that you can never have so much as a bite of said cake."

"So I'm the most decadent cake in the world?"

"I guess that to him you are. Now speaking of cakes, I need to get baking."

"You know that I don't actually want a cake, right?"

Lily shrugged and began rifling through Ted's cupboards pulling out bowls, flour, and the like. "Doesn't matter," she told him, "If I don't bake one then Barney's going to know that we came in here just to talk about him."

Ted nodded his head. "Ah, I see. Then I guess I have to really eat a slice, huh?"

Lily nodded back at him. "You will, and you'll damn well enjoy it."

* * *

Lily's cake felt like a soggy paper towel in Ted's mouth. Every forkful was a punishment. Not because it wasn't a good cake, it probably was, but he felt sick inside and the pungent sweetness of the cake was revolting in his current state.

He was sitting on the couch next to Barney again. Immediately after leaving the kitchen and making his way back into the living room he had realized that he had a problem. Things had changed between him and Barney. It made him feel awful to acknowledge it, but there it was. Every time he glanced at Barney he felt uncomfortable.

It was undeniably weird to know that his best friend was in love with him. He wanted more than anything to stop thinking back over the twenty-nine years in which he had known Barney, trying to recall any times in which Barney's feelings towards him may have been evident. He could think of a few, the obvious of which being his taxi accident. Also that thing with the gay dream about his best friend.

Oh God.

That must've hurt Barney so badly...And even just a few days ago he had taunted him about it. Oh God, he was despicable. No wonder Lily had told him to start respecting Barney's feelings. Up until now it seemed that he had been doing the opposite, intentional or no.

Ted suddenly found that he couldn't even bear to force another sliver of the chocolate confectionary down his throat. He thought he might puke if he kept eating so he whispered, "Man I'm full," and set his half-eaten plate of cake down on the coffee table.

To his surprise, Barney had actually opted to eat a slice of cake, which he was currently still working on polishing off. Ted was just relieved that he was actually eating something, even if it was an incredibly unhealthy something.

"This cake is great, baby. One of your best," Marshall told Lily. They kissed. It was sweet. It made Ted wonder what it would feel like to kiss Barney. He tried to fight the thought; he felt it coming and he tried his best to ward it off, but the image of his lips pressed firmly against Barney's insisted upon ramming itself into his brain and staying there.

They all finally finished eating, it seemed to take an eternity and a half, but at last all the dirty little plates and forks were stacked up neatly on Ted's coffee table and his guests had begun to rise to their feet and say their goodbyes. He loved his friends, but he was exhausted and his head was so far in the clouds that it had become impossible for him to keep up with their conversations. He needed time alone with his thoughts and the earthshattering revelation that was clinging to his soul.

Robin wrapped her arms around his waist as she whispered, "Goodnight, Ted. See you soon." She gave him an innocent peck on his cheek and it singed his skin. His eyes fell on Barney as Robin's lips made contact with his cheek, and he felt like all the air was being sucked out of his lungs. Barney was in love with both of them and here they were, in love with each other. Maybe they were more responsible for Barney jumping into the Hudson than he had realized. Maybe it was all their fault. Maybe they had been slowly killing Barney for years, driving a knife deeper and deeper into his fragile heart as they both continued to turn a blind eye to his feelings for them time and time again.

"Yeah, goodnight, Robin," he whispered back, watching her walk out the front door and into his moonlit front yard. She looked beautiful, but in that moment he found that he didn't care. Unconsciously he was still keeping his relationship with her on the backburner.

They were alone now. Penny and Luke had gone upstairs to get ready for bed, because Ted was actually going to make them go to school tomorrow, much to their dismay.

So, it was just Barney and him.

He suddenly wondered why he had been so eager to send Lily, Marshall, and Robin away. He wished that they'd come back.

"Ted, you're going back to work tomorrow, right?" Barney asked him.

Ted was jolted back to reality so fast he thought he might have whiplash. He nodded his head. "Yeah, why? Do you need me to stay home again? I can if you want."

Barney smiled at him and shook his head. "Nah, Ted. I was just checking."

The image of their lips locked together burst into his brain again, and Ted closed his eyes in an attempt to erase it, which only made it stronger.

"You're going to be okay on your own, right?"

Barney scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think I can survive without my nanny for a few hours."

Ted grinned at him and said, "Okay. And I'm going to do my best to believe that, but if I give in to the urge to text you to make sure that you really can survive without me, please just put me out of my misery and text me back."

Barney mirrored his smile and slowly nodded his head. "Sure, sure. But if we're being honest, I think that _you're_ the one who can't survive without _me_."

Ted's jaw dropped open a smidge as it occurred to him that, "Well, I mean, you're not _wrong_ , per se." He wondered if saying stuff like that counted as leading Barney on. He didn't think that it did. He hoped that it didn't, anyway. He might not love Barney the same way that Barney loved him, but there's was no denying that Barney was of extreme importance to him. Barney was smiling at him, a larger, more genuine smile than Ted had seen on his face for a while. Ted cherished the sight of it.

"Hey, you can handle those plates alone, right?" Barney asked, yawning as he changed the subject.

Ted nodded his head. "Yeah, go ahead and get to sleep, Barney."

Barney smiled at him again and nodded his head gratefully as he began to walk towards the staircase. He reached the bottom step and stopped, glancing over his shoulder to say, "Night', Ted."

"Night', Barney."

Ted wondered if Barney wished that he could wrap his arms around his waist and kiss him on the cheek like Robin had, and he wondered why he was so flattered by the thought that he probably did.

* * *

 _How are you holding up without me?_

Ted had sent that text fifteen minutes ago. When he thought about it rationally, fifteen minutes was nothing. He had gone hours, days even, without texting people back. But lately, when it came to Barney, rationality rarely fit into the equation. Fifteen minutes was enough to make Ted worried. More worried than he cared to admit. Truth be told, he didn't trust Barney.

He wanted to believe that he was serious about keeping his promise, but he had doubts. He knew how badly Barney was hurting, especially after the funeral, and he couldn't help but wonder if the next time that the full weight of his grief came washing over him he would be able to withstand it just for the sake of a promise. In the heat of the moment, his promise might not seem all that significant, and then...well, Ted really would lose him forever.

Fifteen minutes was easily enough time for Barney to walk away from it all.

"Hey, Ted, are you alright?"

Robin.

They had met up for a lunch date. It had been awhile since they'd gone out together, and it was supposed to be peaceful, intimate, just the two of them at a café sipping lattes together with their hands resting intertwined together on the tabletop. Instead, Ted's hand was anxiously clenched around his phone and peace had been bludgeoned to death by his old buddies, fear and dread.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered, trying to give her a reassuring smile that felt all too unconvincing on his lips.

"You're worried about Barney," Robin stated, not even bothering to put the inflection in her voice necessary to make it into a question. Ted nodded his head, knowing he'd been caught red-handed. "You never stop worrying about him, Ted," she whispered, sounding more than slightly put-out.

"What's your point?" he asked, casually checking his phone for the hundred and fourteenth time.

"I just wish that you cared half as much about our relationship as you do about him."

Ted's eyes snapped away from his phone as his eyebrows arched together. "Robin, you know I love you more than anything, but we both agreed that Barney's wellbeing is more important right now."

"I know, Ted, but even Barney is annoyed by how overbearing you're being. I've been looking forward to this all day because I thought that it would give us a chance to finally spend some time alone together, but you haven't put your phone down for five seconds, Ted! It's frustrating. You keep accusing me of still being in love with Barney, but you're the one who's obsessed with him."

Ted's mouth fell open as he tried to think of a good case to make for himself. "I'm not in love with Barney," he mumbled.

Robin rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee before grumbling back, "I didn't say that you were, Ted. But you are seriously hung-up over him." She was glaring at him. He glared back. Neither said anything for a few minutes. Ted got bored and subconsciously checked his phone, Robin reached over the table and forcefully wrenched it out of his hands.

"Oh come on, Robin!" Ted whined, holding his palm out to her as he waited for her to return it.

"No, Ted. God, I feel like an elementary teacher. You can have your phone back at the end of class, asshole."

"Robin...it's been twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes of what?"

"I texted him twenty minutes ago and he hasn't answered..."

"Ted!" Robin snapped, "Do you even hear yourself!? You know how idiotic you sound right?"

Ted instantly began to nod his head. "I know. I know that I'm being overprotective and that he can take care of himself, but...He told me he'd text me right back...I just want him to text me back."

Robin frowned at him, her eyes half-furious, half-understanding. She tapped on the screen of Ted's phone a few times, even as he tried to lean over and steal it from her, and then she put the phone up to her ear and Ted froze. He held his breath as he waited for Barney to answer, it seemed to take an eternity (even Robin was starting to look a little uneasy), but finally Ted could breathe again. Robin immediately handed the phone over to Ted without saying a word, probably realizing that it would be a bad idea to let Barney know that they were on a date together. She had no idea how right she was.

"Hey, Ted. Sorry, I was taking a shower."

Oh. All this fuss and fear and...Ted really felt like an idiot. Ted really _was_ an idiot.

"Oh, well, so you're alright, then?"

"Yessssss, Ted. God. I'm fine."

Robin had been right, Barney was annoyed by him. He was ridiculous, irritating, and pissed off at himself.

"I'm sorry, it's just..."

"I know," Barney interrupted, his voice was nothing more than a soft whisper, "And I appreciate it." Ted felt a smile tug at his lips. Maybe he wasn't such an idiot, after all.

"Oh, okay. Well, good. Glad I'm not driving you nuts."

"You kidding? You're the only thing keeping me stable. Or...you know, stable-ish."

Ted's smile grew so large that it almost hurt his jaw. "Hey, well, I live to serve."

"Hmmm, do you? You cooking dinner tonight then, serf?"

"Indeed, I am."

"Nice! Anyway, I've gotta go, I'm naked and dripping on your carpet. Wink-wonk."

"Did you really just say...wink-wonk?"

"Indeed, I did."

Ted subdued a chuckle with a grin and mumbled, "Okay. Fine. Go dry off. See you when I get home."

"Kay'. See you, Ted."

The line went dead and Ted set his phone back down on the table. He chanced a nervous smile at Robin, she didn't smile back.

"Wow, Ted. You were right, that really did sound like a crisis situation," she mocked, rolling her eyes at him.

He uselessly shrugged his shoulders. "So sue me. I'm sorry." Really, he wasn't. He didn't regret the conversation one bit, because Barney had appreciated it, and knowing that did Ted's heart good.

Robin just rolled her eyes at him, yet again. "Whatever, Ted. I need to go, I'm going to be late." She stood up, grabbed her coffee cup off the table and lingered next to Ted until he stood up as well.

"Okay. I really am sorry that this was the worst lunch date in the history of lunch dates." He actually meant that. "See you soon?" It was a question, because he wasn't sure how mad at him she really was. He didn't know whether another luncheon was in the cards or not.

"Yeah, see you soon," she replied, pulling him into an awkward hug before turning away from him and walking out of the café without another word.

Ted quickly checked the time on his phone and grimaced. He was going to be late too.

* * *

 **I was going to cut this chapter in half like I did with the last one and post half of it this week and half of it next, but there's no good way for me to split it up, so I decided to just post it all at once. Thank you MoceJo for the review, and once again, thank you all so much for reading!**

 **I'll post the next chapter in a week or two~**


	6. Sorting Things Out

Ted, today had been the most boring day of my entire existence."

"I doubt that."

"You shouldn't," Barney mumbled, sitting down next to Ted at the dining table. He grabbed his fork and began jabbing at the spinach ravioli that Ted had just finished making. He took a bite and smiled at Ted. "Ted, my boy, you're going to make some lucky man such a good wife someday."

Ted grinned at him as he began to chow down on his own plate of pasta. Penny and Luke both laughed, and Ted playfully glared at them. "Excuse me, but cooking is macho and sexy. This isn't the 1950's anymore, both men and women should know their way around a kitchen."

Barney grinned back at him. "Damn, Ted. This ravioli is sexy."

Ted's heart momentarily fell out of rhythm as he wondered if this was Barney's subtle way of flirting on him. It felt flirtatious, but that might just be because he already had the idea that it was implanted in his brain. Ever since he had found out Barney's secret he felt like he was reading too much into every little thing that Barney did. He felt guilty about it, but he couldn't stop doing it.

"Yeah, dad, this is great. You've never made this before, have you?" Penny asked.

Ted shook his head. "Nah, I wanted to try something new."

"It's great," Luke chimed in, his mouth full of the stuff.

Ted smiled at his children and whispered, "Thanks."

"Hey, Ted?" Barney asked, a serious expression suddenly taking over his features.

"Yeah?" Ted set his fork down and glanced over at him in concern, feeling the knot he had become so well-acquainted with begin to form within the depths of his stomach again.

"Could we...tomorrow...go to my apartment?"

Ted couldn't keep his eyes from widening in surprise. "Why? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Barney shrugged his shoulders and mumbled back, "I need to pick up a few things, I'm sick of wearing your clothes. You have the worst selection of suits ever. And I just...I'm going to have to go home and stop bumming off of you eventually. So...baby steps, and stuff..."

Ted smiled at him, even as he nervously nibbled his bottom lip to shreds. "Sure, buddy, we can do that. I'll swing by after work and pick you up."

Barney anxiously smiled back at him and nodded his head. "Alright. Thanks."

"But you know," Ted whispered, "You can bum off of me for as long as you want. I live to serve."

Barney snickered and nodded his head again. "I knew you'd say that...thanks, again. As much as I like taking advantage of you, though, I don't want to do it forever."

"Alright, but you could if you wanted to."

"Good to know," Barney whispered before he resumed eating.

* * *

"You sure you want to do this?" Ted asked, as he put his car in park and pushed his door open.

Barney took a deep breath and nodded his head, so Ted began to hop down out of his car. "Wait!" Barney called suddenly.

Ted turned around and sat back down. "What? It's okay if you want to change your mind. You don't have to push yourself this far this fast."

"No," Barney whispered, "I do. I want to. It's just...I'm..."

"Scared?"

Barney scowled at him for a moment before his features softened and he sighed, reluctantly nodding his head. "That sounds dumb. I'm scared of going into my apartment. How pathetic."

Ted's eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. "No, Barney. It's normal. Of course you're scared, this is a big step." Barney was still frowning at him, seemingly unconvinced. He opened his door, got out of the car, and began to walk towards his apartment building. Ted hurried out of the car and dashed after him. "You aren't pathetic, Barney. You're brave."

"Brave my ass."

"Uh, yeah. That's what I just said."

Barney stopped walking for a moment and glanced over his shoulder at Ted, a small smirk on his lips. "Ah, Ted," he mumbled, facing forward again and shaking his head in amusement.

They were in front of Barney's door a few minutes later. Barney fished his keys out of the pocket of the suit he had unenthusiastically borrowed from Ted and unlocked the door. He set his hand down on the knob and took another deep breath, staring anxiously into Ted's eyes as he gritted his teeth and shoved the door open in one fell swoop.

He immediately froze at the doorway, blocking Ted from going inside. Only his back was visible to Ted, but he could still tell that Barney was on the verge of another breakdown. He had known that this was a bad idea. "Barney," he whispered, gently setting a hand down on his friend's shoulder.

Barney glanced back at him, with a bewildered expression on his face as though he had forgotten that he wasn't alone. He stepped aside to let Ted enter and as soon as Ted did so, he crumbled into his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered into Ted's ear as he began to softly cry against his shoulder.

Ted shook his head, resting his hands on Barney's back and holding him close. "It's okay."

"It's just...she's never coming home, you know?" Barney whispered, his voice coarse with emotion. "She's underground in a box and she's never coming home."

Ted had cried for that very reason a dozen times before. His bed had felt so empty without Tracy; his home had felt foreign and taciturn.

She was still, even to this day underground in a box and she was never coming home.

It was an impossible truth to swallow. It was a pill that was still lodged in his throat; clogging his airways and slowly suffocating him.

"I know," he whispered back, feeling tears begin to roll down his own cheeks. "I'm so sorry." He didn't want Barney to have to go through this. He didn't want Barney to choke on the pill. He didn't want to force that pill down anyone's throat, least of all his best friend's.

Barney managed to peel his body away from Ted's, wiping at his cheeks and frenziedly gasping in oxygen. "I should just...get out of here," he whispered, leaving Ted to rush forward deeper into the apartment. Ted followed after him, realized that he had gone inside of his suit room, and waited outside the door for him. He came out a few minutes later, clutching his clothing tightly in his arms like a security blanket. "I just need shoes," he whispered, brushing past Ted again and disappearing into his bedroom.

Ted absentmindedly followed him inside of his bedroom. Barney tossed his suits down on his bed before opening the door to his closet and stepping inside of it. Ted sat down on his bed next to the suits and patiently waited for Barney to throw random pairs of shoes into a duffel bag. Barney had left the door open, so Ted could see him go about the task. After a few minutes of shoe-collecting, Barney suddenly broke down in tears again. Ted instantly dashed into his closet and crouched down on the ground next to him. "What's wrong?" he whispered, concerned.

Barney glanced up at him, shaking his head in shame. "Nothing, Ted..." He was hugging a box. A beautifully gift-wrapped box.

"The clarinet?" Ted guessed.

Barney nodded his head, rubbing his hands up and down against the wrapping paper. "It was stupid of me to come here. I'm such a wreck, I'm sorry all I ever do is cry on you."

Ted smiled at him, and kneeled down on the carpet, pulling him into his arms again. "Cry on me as much as you want, Barney. That's what I'm here for."

"You live to serve?" Barney whispered, finally letting go of the box so that he could wrap his arms around Ted.

Ted nodded his head. "Exactly. Now let's get out of here." He slowly stood up off the ground, taking Barney with him. Barney snagged the duffel bag off the floor and clung to Ted as they walked out of the closet together, slamming the door closed behind them. Ted grabbed his clothes off of his bed for him and they managed to make it back out of the apartment and into the hallway without any more complications.

They walked to Ted's car without exchanging a single word, but once they had dumped Barney's stuff in the trunk and both made their way to their seats, Barney turned to Ted and whispered, "Thank you for coming here with me."

Ted smiled at him and nodded his head. "No problem."

"You're the best best friend ever," Barney continued, smiling despite the fact that his cheeks were still wet with tears. "I love you, bro."

Ted's heart clenched, falling out of rhythm again. He knew the unspoken truth behind those words. He wished he didn't, but he did. Barney might want Ted to think that he loved him as a friend, but he knew that there was more to it than that. Even still, he replied with a firm, "Love you too."

And he wondered what it was that he meant by that.

* * *

It was Saturday afternoon. Ted and Robin were at the Popover Pantry for brunch attempting to make up for their recent lunchtime failure.

Ted's phone was tucked away safe in his pocket. It wasn't difficult for him to resist the urge to pull it out, with each passing day he began to believe that self-destructive behavior and suicide attempts really were a thing of the past for Barney. As a result, it was much easier for him to focus on Robin. He felt comfortable enough that he thought that maybe he was ready to start making her his priority again. He wanted to use today to prove to her that he was still fully dedicated to their relationship.

So far, the date had been going well. Robin had given him more than a few bites of her tilapia, which for her was a pretty monumental sacrifice, because even to this day she was rarely willing to share food with him. Although she had said that she thought the dish was too fishy tasting, and the fact that she wasn't too fond of it had probably greatly contributed to the reason that she was so eager to let Ted at it. He preferred to look on the bright side, however.

They'd kissed and held hands a few times, as well. All in all, it was more romantic than most of their dates turned out to be, so Ted's faith in their compatibility was rapidly being restored. That was, until Ted's phone began to ring out at full volume.

Ted momentarily set the dessert menu down and glanced at Robin, his hand already in his pocket. She didn't look too happy, but she nodded her head to give him the go ahead.

He quickly pulled his phone out and answered it, not bothering to pay attention to who was calling him, because he figured that he already knew who it was. He was wrong.

"Hey, Ted!"

"Oh, um...hi, Lily. Now's not really a good time..."

"Oh, no. Is something wrong? Is Barney alright?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Sorry, it's nothing like that, it's just that I'm on a date with Robin."

"Oh. You haven't told her about...the thing...right?"

Ted automatically knew what "the thing" was without having to ask. "No, Lily, of course not. What about you with Marshall?'

"Um..."

"You didn't!"

"I can't keep secrets from Marshall, Ted! I've never been able to! I'm so sorry!"

Ted couldn't help but shake his head in disgust, receiving an odd look from Robin in the process. "It's not me that you need to apologize to. I can't believe you would do this to him."

"Excuse me?" Her voice was high-pitched and clearly offended now. He knew that she was going to start pointing out all the wrongs he had done lately. That was her way. If you tried to point a finger at her you were always going to get it pointed right back at you. "You forced me to tell you, what's the difference? Barney would probably be way more upset if he found out that you knew than if he found out that Marshall knew."

"I didn't know what the secret was when I made you tell me! Had I known I never would have forced you to tell me!" Ted angrily countered. His eyes widened and he bit his lip nervously, catching the intrigue in Robin's eyes as the word "secret" left his mouth. He knew that he had messed up bad.

"Well, duh, Ted! That doesn't even make sense. Had you known what the secret was you wouldn't have needed me to tell you!"

Well, she _did_ have a point. Unfortunately.

"So what did he say?" Ted asked, sick of fighting a losing battle.

"Who?"

"Marshall. What did he say when you told him?"

"Oh, he was just really shocked. He feels bad for Barney, obviously. He also feels bad for you, though. He said that he wouldn't want to have to be in your position because he thinks that you're going to have to break his heart sooner than later."

"Well that's just dumb. I've gone twenty-nine years without doing that. Why would I have to do it now?"

"Because now you know. And now Barney's obviously gotten to the point where he's comfortable with telling someone. Who knows, he might be willing to risk it all and tell _you_ soon. And if he does..."

"I'll have no choice."

"Exactly."

"Crap. Well, there's nothing I can do about it right now. I need to go now. Still on a date and all..."

"Right. Sorry, that wasn't the reason I called, though."

"So why did you call, Lily?"

"MacLaren's reunion. Tonight. What do you think?"

Ted glanced across the table at Robin again. "You up for a reunion tonight?" he asked her.

She smiled at him and shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Ted grinned at her and nodded his head. "Okay, yeah, Robin and I are in. Could you call Barney and ask him yourself, though?"

"Sure. And you know what Ted, I'm just going to tell him that I told Marshall. I think he'll be fine with it."

"Whatever. It'll be your funeral." Ted immediately cringed at his poor word choice, even Robin seemed a bit taken aback by his folly.

"Not it's not," Lily simply whispered, "I'm sure he expected me to tell Marshall. It will be fine."

"Okay, if you say so. Why don't you just tell him that you told me too while you're at it?"

"Ha. Yeah. No way. You don't really want me to do that."

"Yeah, you're right. I definitely don't. Anyway, good luck with that and see you tonight."

"See you tonight."

"What's the big secret, Ted?" Robin asked immediately after Ted had slid his phone back into his pocket. She waited, her eyebrows scrunched together and her eyes hard.

"Oh, it just," Ted started.

"Stop. You're going to give me some bullshit story aren't you? You never want to be upfront about anything anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't want to tell me how Ellie died and you..." She paused, clearly trying with no avail to think of another item to add to her list.

"You can't even think of anything else, can you?"

She glared at him, her cheeks flushing with just a tinge of embarrassment. "It doesn't matter!" She snapped angrily. "Relationships are built off honesty and all that Dr. Phil crap. I want honesty, Ted. Be honest with me and tell me what this super hush-hush secret is or we have no relationship."

Ted's eyes widened in horror and his mouth flopped open like that of a dead fish. "You can't seriously be giving me an ultimatum," he whispered, in furious disbelief.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess that I seriously am," she whispered back, her eyes now filled with a deep, unspoken sadness. Ted knew that she was already regretting her words, but Ted also knew that she was far too stubborn to take them back.

His heart was in his throat. He hadn't a clue what to do. He couldn't stand the thought of losing her. He had already let her walk away from him too many times before. He had sworn to himself that this time would be different; that this time they would have the happy ending they deserved. Ted was desperate, so very, very desperate to keep her. So pitifully desperate that he was willing to do anything. So the words were out his mouth before it fully dawned on him just what he was saying, just who he was be betraying. "Barney's in love with me."

Robin's eyes grew and shook with shock as she stared at Ted for what felt like a silent eternity. Finally she let out a soft, nervous laugh. "Ted, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. Who told you that, Lily? Ah, that silly Lily, always such a kidder...probably wanted to see how gullible you are. Hilarious. She's really got you going..." Robin trailed off, her hands gripping the table so hard her knuckles were white and her teeth anxiously chattering. She knew as well as he did that this was no joke.

"Robin," Ted whispered, "It's true."

Robin shook her head, still clearly in awe. "Ted, come on trust me on this one. I was married to Barney. He's extremely straight."

"He's bisexual, Robin. He's in love with you, but also...me." Ted could feel his cheeks turning red. He'd had quite a few days to adjust to the thought now, but still he couldn't fully wrap his mind around it. Barney was in love with him. No matter how many times he repeated that statement inside of his head it still seemed so impossible. He would have never guessed, but he knew that Robin was even more stunned than he was.

"No, way," she whispered, still humorously laughing. "No offense, Ted, but you aren't his type. Barney's type is boobs."

Ted couldn't help but grin a little at that. He shook his head. "Yeah, Barney's a boob guy, but I guess he's also a...guy...guy," Ted mumbled, not at all sure of how to phrase what it was that he was trying to convey.

Robin shook her head, her eyebrows still arched in disbelief. "Wow," she whispered, awkwardly plucking at the napkin in her lap. She indignantly met Ted's eyes and asked with far less trepidation than he would have preferred, "You don't love him back do you?"

It was now Ted's turn to be shocked again. He shook his head and hurriedly said, "No, of course not!"

"Well I don't know," Robin defended, her eyes moving back down to her lap. "If Barney can be secretly gay, then, for all I know, you could be too."

"Okay, no. Just no. And anyway, Barney isn't secretly gay, he's bisexual, there's a big difference. It's not like you were his beard or something; he's obviously very, very attracted to women, that's established. But yeah, he's attracted to men too. And yeah, he's attracted to me. But I'm not attracted to Barney, Robin. I'm in love with you."

Robin looked up at him and smiled, ever-so-slightly. "Okay. I trust you. And I didn't mean it that way...I know that Barney loves me, but...I just...wow." Ted couldn't help but notice that she didn't say the words he had been longing to here since they'd gotten back together. Even though he had said the three magical words to her at least five times now since the night his children had prompted him to bring her the blue trumpet, she hadn't said them back once. He knew that she had always struggled to get those words off of her lips, and he could understand that, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt him.

At this point, if he was honest with himself, he felt more sure that Barney loved him than that Robin did.

* * *

MacLaren's. It had been awhile. Too long.

MacLaren's reunions were one of Ted's favorite things in the world. After Tracy's death he had begun to relish them even more. They brought him back to a simpler time and he appreciated that. He always checked his grief and hardships at the door and simply enjoyed spending time with four of the most important people in the world to him.

This night was different, though. The rack that he usually hung his miseries upon was too small to bear the weight of his current mood, so he had been forced to take it with him to the booth. And, he knew that he wasn't the only one. There was so much tension and despair at the table that it had diluted his only beer of the night and he could taste it in every bitter sip.

"Hey, guys, sorry that I'm late," Robin speedily said as she hurried to her seat. Ted was already sitting on the bench next to Barney, and Marshall and Lily were sitting together, so she was forced to sit alone on the dining chair. She didn't seem too pleased.

She shot Ted an odd glance and he knew exactly what it meant. She was annoyed that he hadn't left the space next to him open and available to her. He wasn't too pleased, either.

"Hi, Robin," Lily greeted, smiling at her as she dug her hand into the bowl of pretzels on the table.

"Yeah, hi, Robin," Ted casually said, attempting to act like it was the first time that he had seen her that day.

Barney didn't say anything to her. He hadn't spoken much while Ted had driven him to the bar, either. Ted was forced to assume that he was having a fairly down day. Which made sense, of course. Far and few between were his days that weren't completely down.

Ted felt horrible gnawing guilt in his gut again. Everyone at the booth knew. Everyone at the booth knew Barney's most carefully guarded secret and he hadn't a clue. It didn't seem fair. Not at all.

Lily's eyes moved from Robin to Barney, and her cheeks reddened with shame. Ted glared at her, annoyed by how obvious she was being. He was forced to assume that she hadn't, after all, confessed to Barney that she'd told Marshall. She knew that Barney still thought she was a trustworthy friend who had kept his secret for him, and that was probably eating her alive.

Ted wanted to judge her for it, but, well, " _lest not be judged",_ and all that. He had committed the exact same wrong that she had, and passed the info on to Robin, so really, they were all assholes swimming in the same murky sea.

"I want another drink. I'm going to get totally drunk tonight and you can't stop me, Ted," Barney announced when the waitress, some random not-Wendy chick, came by.

Ted smiled at him shrugged his shoulders. "Fine. You're not the one driving." Truth be told, he really did want to stop him. Nothing about Barney getting drunk in his current emotionally vulnerable state seemed like a good idea to him, but he knew that he had been far too domineering lately and he had no choice but to step back for this one.

No one really knew what to talk about. Small talk felt uncomfortable and out of place, but they also didn't want to talk about anything heavy, either. That left them with mostly just flat out silence punctuated by subtle sipping sounds.

Barney hadn't been kidding. He drank a lot. Ted was actually concerned by how much he drank. He knew that if he drank the amount that Barney had he would be beyond the point of vomiting. As they'd grown older their alcohol limit had shrunk, but Barney was giving no indication of such a phenomenon. Finally, Ted just couldn't take it anymore. "Stop drinking," he whispered to Barney as the nameless waitress set another drink in front of him.

"Don't wanna," Barney slurred, glaring at him.

"No. I don't want you puking all over my car," Ted countered, glaring back at him, as he reached out for Barney's drink. Barney grabbed the glass first and Ted wound up cupping his hand over Barney's.

Ted couldn't help it, his cheeks turned as red as Lily's, and he immediately pulled his hand back.

Barney's tilted his head to the side, forgetting about their argument for a moment as he stared at Ted in hurt confusion. "What...do I have leprosy?"

Ted felt silly now for thinking that there had been tension at the table before; now he knew what real tension felt like. His heart dropped as he quickly gulped and shook his head. "Huh?" he whispered, trying his best to cover-up his odd behavior.

Barney's eyes widened and he violently swiveled his head to face Lily. "Oh my God," he whispered.

Lily's eyes were shaking and she weakly shook her head even as her eyes began to fill up with guilty tears. "Sweetie...," she uselessly whispered.

Barney's eyes moved to Robin, who was uncomfortably staring down at her lap, then to Marshall, whose expression spoke of nothing but pure pity. "Oh, so...all of you...," he stuttered, clearly horrified. His own eyes began to cloud with moisture and he quickly jumped to his feet. He glanced at his friends one last time before frantically dashing to the front door and out of the bar.

"I have to...," Ted mumbled, before standing up and running after him. Barney hadn't made it too far, he was extremely intoxicated, and likely not feeling top-tier, so it wasn't too difficult for Ted to catch up to him. "Barney, please," he said, grabbing onto his arm.

Barney jerked his arm out of Ted's grip and shot him a furious glance. "Fuck off, Ted," he said, venomously spitting out each word. He then let his rage fall for a moment, his features softening as he whispered, "I can't believe, Lily." Ted felt that old familiar guilt rile up inside him again, and somehow, Barney was able to catch sight of it. "But it wasn't just her...was it?"

Ted nervously shook his head. "Robin pressured me into telling her, I'm so sorry, Barney. You have to believe me, I've never felt sorrier for anything in my life."

"Shut up," Barney mumbled, "You know, I guess I can go back on my promise now. Promises obviously mean nothing around here. It's just totally fine to say or do whatever the hell you want. So I guess I can just go ahead and die. Who even gives a shit, right?"

Ted licked his lips and anxiously shook his head. "How can you even say that? You know damn well who gives a shit, Barney! You know how it affected all of us when you almost died! Don't go acting like we don't care about you when you know that we do!"

Barney rolled his eyes. " _Did._ Now you can't even stand to touch me."

Ted shook his head again and pulled Barney into his arms. Barney squirmed to escape his grip, and eventually managed to shove him off, but by then Ted felt he had proven his point. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to act weird about it in the bar. I'm fine with it, Barney. I don't care; it doesn't change that you're my best friend and I'd do anything for you."

Barney took a deep breath as tears finally spilled out onto his cheeks. His sobbing rapidly gave way to an odd burst of laughter as he muttered, "I didn't ask for your approval, Ted. I don't need you to tell me you're fine with it like that's some sort of awesome gift I should be super grateful for." He shook his head and narrowed his eyes at Ted as he whispered, "And, fyi, it totally does change our friendship. I don't want to be friends with you anymore, you're an asshole. Robin pressured you to tell her? So you just told her? Right, yeah, I totally believe you'd do anything for me. Maybe next time try a little harder to not tell my ex-wife that I like her boyfriend, m'kay? Great, thanks."

Ted's vision blurred as he desperately shook his head one last time. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, as a droplet rolled down his cheek. "I'm so sorry." He had ended their friendship once himself, but he never thought that Barney would ever pull the carpet out from under it. Their friendship had always meant the world to Barney, but now Ted had adulterated it so badly he didn't even want it anymore. Ted really had never felt sorrier for anything in his life.

He couldn't stand the sight of Barney wiping at his cheeks any longer, it was making him feel sick inside. He would do anything to make things right. Barney might not believe him, but he had meant what he said. He would do anything for him.

Barney finally managed to stop crying long enough to spin away from Ted and continue walking down the sidewalk. Ted followed after him and Barney glanced over his shoulder in annoyance. "Leave me alone!" he shouted.

"No, Barney, please, let's work this out, okay?" Ted begged, reaching for his arm again.

Barney began running so that Ted wouldn't be able to grab onto him, which led to Ted also beginning to run. So they had broken out into a full-blown chase, and since Barney was still drunker and slower than Ted, it was obvious which one of them was going to be the victor. Ted finally got close enough to grab Barney's arm again, and Barney instantaneously shook him off in disgust and used his last burst of speed to run...right into the busy New York City street.

"Barney!" Ted screamed, exhausting his lungs. He dashed after him and managed to tug him back onto the sidewalk just as a speeding taxi flew by them. He was now roughly gripping both of Barney's arms and panting with terror.

Barney's face was drained of color and he was also panting heavily as he wordlessly stared at Ted with an unsurpassable intensity in his eyes. "Ted...um...," he whispered, clearly trying to decide whether he was grateful or still extremely pissed off.

Ted nervously licked his lips, finding himself unable to release Barney, think coherently, or open his mouth to speak. He knew that he was staring at Barney just as intently. He got swept up in Barney's glimmering, tear-filled blue eyes and he didn't want to look away.

"Thanks," Barney finally mumbled.

"Can we be friends again?" he whispered back.

Barney sighed and slowly nodded his head. "I guess. But you know...when you dumped me as your friend I actually got hit by a bus before you took me back, so you're kinda half-stepping, Ted."

Ted grinned at him and finally let go of his arms so that he could pull him into a hug. "I know I am. You're the best best friend ever, how I could I even compete?"

Barney collapsed into his arms, and whispered into his ear, "Can we go home now? I just...don't want to see the others right now. Besides, I still totally don't wanna be friends with Lily."

Ted nodded his head and moved one of his arms off of Barney so that as they begun to walk down the sidewalk together he had still had one arm around his best friend. "Of course. Let's go home."

* * *

"Here," Ted gently whispered as he carefully placed the glass in Barney's hand.

Barney stared at the bright green liquid in his cup in awestruck wonder. "You seriously...," he mumbled, a smile quickly washing over his features.

"Of course I did. Although, it's impossible to get your hands on a can of Tantrum nowadays, so it's not the original recipe."

"Dammit, Ted. Without Tantrum this is just some cheap knockoff. You're smearing the name of the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir!" Barney remarked, grinning at Ted with amusement as he took a sip of the beverage. He made a disgusted face but proceeded to continue drinking it, anyway.

"Well, sorry. I'm not the one who outlawed Tantrum, though, so you can't blame me," Ted replied, smiling back at him. "Also, once you feel well enough that you think you can eat something solid without it coming back up, I'll make you pancakes if you want them."

"Oh, I'll want them," Barney said, nodding his head. "This is awesome, I love seeing you scrounge for my forgiveness."

"What? I'm not scrounging for your forgiveness; you already forgave me."

"Sure I did, Ted. Sure I did. I was gracious enough to bestow upon you the title of my best bro again, but that doesn't mean that I've forgiven you. You're going to have to grovel a bit more and make some damn delicious pancakes if you want that honor."

Ted's smile faltered a bit as he slowly nodded his head. "My pancakes will make you want to forgive me. Just you wait."

"We'll see."

"And for the record, I am still extremely sorry about telling Robin, that wasn't my place."

"Well, yeah, duh it wasn't."

Ted sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "It's just that she threatened to break-up with me if I didn't tell her."

Barney rolled his eyes and adopted an incredibly irritated tone as he said, "Oh, please. Robin loves threatening to break-up. I can't believe you're still buying into that, Ted. It's just a power move. She did it to me all the time. Every month it was something new. Go to Brazil with me or I'll have to divorce you because you know long-distance doesn't work. The next time you complain about constantly having to uproot your life and travel the whole damn world with me I'm going to divorce you. God, it was exhausting."

"Then why do you still love her?"

"Because she's awesome. Obviously. But you need to stop her from walking all over you, Ted, or she'll become addicted to having you wrapped around her little finger and the blackmailing will never stop. Just make it clear she can't push you around like that."

"Did you make it clear?"

"Um...eventually. I mean, I tried. But...you know, we did get a divorce so...I guess eventually our marriage just got to the point where both of us were hoping that her threats weren't empty anymore."

Ted frowned at his friend as he sat down on the foot of his bed and whispered, "I'm sorry. And hey, I forgot to tell you that...well, that it means a lot that you gave Robin and me your blessing."

Barney half-smiled at him. He was obviously still upset by the thought of them together, but he was trying to put on a brave face. "Well, you know, it's just because I think you're like the hottest couple ever."

Ted could feel his cheeks flush as he broke out in laughter. "We totally are." His laughter quickly died away and a more serious mood overtook him. "You know, Barney, you should have told me about your feelings ages ago. I'm a little hurt that you thought it would upset me."

"But it does upset you."

"No it doesn't."

"Sure. You're not super creeped out by the thought that I want to...," he gave up and shook his head. "You're only making it worse by pretending that it doesn't. Just face it head on and tell me off. I need to get rid of these feelings for you, help me out, bro. Be a good friend and break my heart; I think you owe me that much."

Ted couldn't help but find himself caught up in the intensity in Barney's eyes again. He bit his lip and slowly shook his head. "But I mean it. It doesn't creep me out, if anything I'm just extremely flattered. I mean, the fact that _thee_ Barney Stinson finds me attractive, I feel like I should put it on my resume or something."

Barney grinned a little and shrugged his shoulders, "Well, I mean, it's about as applicable to the architecture field as you being Dr. X, so why not."

Ted started laughing again and nodded his head. "But if you want me to help you stop being attracted to me...um...I'll dye my hair blond again."

Barney started laughing along with Ted and shook his head. "No, you looked smokin' with blond hair, we just didn't want to admit it to you."

"Aw, man, are you serious? I pulled it off?"

"Yeah. You totally did."

Ted smiled at Barney and confidently nodded his head. "I pulled off the red cowboy boots too, huh?"

"No, Ted. I never said that."

"But you were thinking it."

"No, Ted. I've never thought that." Barney paused and allowed his expression to grow more serious before he whined, "Ted, seriously, you haven't broken my heart. I need you to break it. Hurry up."

Ted's eyes widened and he shrugged his shoulders while simultaneously shaking his head. He finally fell still and whispered, "Barney, you and I are never going to happen."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Kay', you're just stating a fact, I'm gonna need you to try a bit harder than that. Dig deep and really just pull out my still-beating-heart and give it a snap. Come on, it'll be good."

Ted took a deep breath and helplessly shrugged again. Quite frankly, he felt scared to even open his mouth. "Barney, you're...you're just too much man for me."

Barney spit out a sip of green liquid and chocked for a moment before bursting out laughing. He managed to calm down long enough to ask, "Be honest. My penis, it's just too big, isn't it?"

Ted began laughing hysterically himself as he nodded his head and said, "It's bigger than that of anyone I've ever slept with."

Barney nodded his head knowingly and stated with a healthy helping of faux pride, "Yeah, I get that a lot. Damn. Such a shame."

Ted was still laughing when he bounced to his feet and said, "In order to change the course of this oh-so-lovely discussion, I'm now going to ask if you want me to go make us some pancakes and hope that the answer to that question is yes."

"Yes, Ted, go make pancakes!" Barney shouted before adding, as Ted turned to leave the room, "Are you sure you don't want to keep talking about the size of my penis, though!?"

Ted snorted and stepped out into the hallway, his back to Barney as he called back, "Yeah, I think I'm good! Also thanks for yelling about penises when my fifteen year old daughter is just across the hall."

"You're welcome!"

Ted grinned and shook his head as he continued to walk away. In the back of his mind, however, he wondered why it made his heart ache to know that Barney thought that he had been simply stating a fact when he had said that they would never happen. To him, it felt much more significant than that, but he wasn't sure why that was.

* * *

"Is Barney still mad at me?"

"Yeah, sorry, Lily; I'm pretty sure that he is."

"Aw, that's so unfair. Why did he let you off the hook so easily?"

"Probably because he thinks I'm adorable so it's impossible for him to stay mad at me."

"Crap. You're probably right. But hey! I'm totally adorable! Adorable is my middle name, Ted."

"Lily Adorable Aldrin...yeah, it has a nice ring to it. But Barney's not in love with you, so you're going to have to do a lot of groveling."

"Oh, I'll grovel. I'll grovel as much as he wants, but he won't answer any of my phone calls so I haven't had the opportunity to grovel. I don't know what to do."

"Well, I mean, I could go give him the phone and try to force him to talk to you, but he might just throw my phone or something and I just got a new one so..."

"Okay, fine. I'll just give him space for a while, I guess. But I feel so guilty I can hardly eat." Lily's voice cracked on the last word, and Ted knew that she was about to burst into tears.

"Lily, it's going to be fine. Barney will forgive you eventually, just give him some time," Ted replied, doing his best to calm her down and keep the waterworks at bay.

"But even if he does forgive me, it won't change what I did. I really hurt him, Ted! I warned you not to break his heart and I broke it myself!"

"It's okay. He's already over it. Really. We had a talk about his feelings for me and worked things out. He's fine."

"Really?" He could hear Lily sniffle and her voice carried a hopeful note.

Ted nodded his head then rolled his eyes as he remembered that she couldn't see him. "Yeah. Really. He's actually doing better today than he was before any of this happened, so I think that in the end this was actually all to his benefit. Everything is out in the open and he knows it and that's a good thing. No more secrets." His phone began vibrating in his hand and he pulled it away from his ear so that he could look at the screen. He frowned and put the phone back up to his ear for a moment as he quickly stated, "I've got to go now, Lily. Robin's calling me."

Lily sounded much more at ease when she said, "Okay, see you, Ted. Thanks for talking to me."

"No prob, Lil'," Ted replied before switching the call to Robin.

"Hey, Ted," she greeted, half-cheerful, half-solemn.

"Hey, Robin."

"So...How's Barney?" she asked, getting straight to the point.

Ted sighed, feeling like he'd just had this exact conversation with Lily. He really wasn't in the mood to Groundhog Day it. "He's fine. He's forgiven me. We ate pancakes together. All is well."

"Really?" Robin whispered. "That's great, then. He isn't mad at me, though, is he?"

"No, but, um...Robin, I need to tell you something."

"What is it, Ted?" she asked, a strained twinge of concern in her tone.

Ted took a deep breath and finally said, "You can't blackmail me like you did yesterday anymore. No more threatening to break-up with me if I don't do what you want me to do."

"Hey, whoa, I wasn't blackmailing you. Why would you say that?" Robin asked, her voice high-pitched and ticked-off.

"It's just...well Barney said that you did that sort of thing to him a lot when you two were married." Ted knew immediately after he had gotten the words out that he should have thought them through a bit more carefully. He had messed up again.

"Wait, let me get this straight, you were talking to Barney about our relationship!? Seriously, Ted!?"

"He was mad at me about telling you so I just told him that you said you'd break-up with me if I didn't. I just wanted him to stop being mad at me..."

"Right so then Barney, my _ex-husband_ , gave you advice on how to handle me and my _blackmailing_ and you take it?" She paused for a moment, taking in a few huffy breaths of air before repeating, "Seriously, Ted!?"

"I just...I want our relationship to last, and if he says that's one of the problems that you guys had in your relationship then I thought that we should work through it before it becomes a problem in ours. It's not that big of a deal, Robin, really."

"It is, though, Ted. You let Barney bad-mouth me, then you agreed with him, and you told me to stop blackmailing you. That's a big deal, Ted! It proves that you care more about him than me."

"Oh please, Robin, are you honestly jealous of Barney? He's one of my best friends, Robin. You know that that's all that he is."

"I know, Ted, but you're supposed to take my side. Not his."

"There were no sides, Robin! It's not that big of a deal!" Ted finally shouted into the phone, suddenly losing his cool.

"Ted...," Robin whispered, somehow becoming the calmer of the two, "Ever since...everything happened...all we've done is fight. All we do is fight. I don't...I'm obviously not your priority and I'm sick of it. I think we should..."

"Are you breaking-up with me? Robin, this is stupid, this is a stupid fight. Listen, I'm..."

"No, Ted. I'm not breaking up with you. I just...need some time. No, you need some time. Take care of Barney, and once you feel like you're ready to start thinking about something other than him again, give me a call."

Ted's whole world felt off kilter. It was like breathing was a luxury he could no longer afford. He felt guilt swell within him for the hundredth time that week. He knew that she was, to some extent, right. He couldn't get his mind off of Barney. Even now. Even now that Robin had torn his heart open, his mind was still on Barney. He wondered what Barney would think about them calling it quits. It was a weird thought to have in that moment, but there it was nonetheless.

"Robin...," he whispered, his voice giving out on him. All he could find it within himself to say was, "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry."

The line went silent. She was already gone. Ted felt numb. He didn't even have it in him to cry.

* * *

"Barney?"

"Yeah, come in, Ted!"

Ted apprehensively pushed the door to his guestroom open and stepped inside. Barney was sitting on the bed with Ted's laptop on his lap. He stared curiously at his laptop and Barney shrugged. "I was bored. What's yours is mine, right?"

Ted nodded his head and mumbled, "Sure why not," before launching straight into, "So...I think Robin just dumped me."

Barney's eyes widened and his jaw dropped open. "Wait, what? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, she called me and we got into an argument and then she said that she needed some time...," Ted rambled, sitting down on the edge of the bed and anxiously running his fingers through his unkempt hair.

"She broke-up with you over the phone?" Barney asked as he closed Ted's laptop and scooted downwards so that he was sitting next to Ted. Ted glanced over at him and silently nodded his head. "But why? What were you guys fighting about?' Barney didn't bother waiting for an answer to his question, he closed his eyes and took one deep breath before quickly whispering, "Me. You were fighting because of me, weren't you?"

"What, huh? Why would we have fought about you?" Ted asked, unconvincingly trying to feign ignorance.

"I've been such a needy bitch...I ruined your relationship."

"Whoa, hey, no. No. Robin just said that I..." Ted couldn't think of a good way to fill the gap. He didn't know what to say that Barney wouldn't be able to turn around and blame himself for. "I guess I haven't been attentive enough or something. It's my fault. Or hers...one of ours for sure."

"Ted, listen, I appreciate you trying to make it sound like it's not totally my fault, but I know that it is, so just stop, okay? You spend so much time with me that you have none left to be a good boyfriend to Robin..."

"No, that's not...," Ted whispered as he subconsciously wrapped his arms around Barney's shoulders. "No, you know what, Barney, yeah, I do spend most of my time with you. But that's my choice. I want to spend my time with you. I do. And if that bothers Robin then that's her problem. Not mine. Not yours."

Barney shook his head and pulled away from Ted's touch. "You didn't choose this. If I wasn't so pathetic you wouldn't feel the need to spend so much time with me."

Ted rolled his eyes and brought his arm back down so that his hand was resting on his own lap. "I enjoy spending time with you, Barney. I don't do it because I pity you. Besides, I don't see why you're so upset about this; I thought you'd be happy that we broke-up," Ted said, smiling ever-so-slightly at him. "It's okay, you can admit that you hated us being together now."

Barney bit his bottom lip and indignantly shook his head, his eyebrows scrunched with irritation. "Yeah, Ted, I hated seeing you together. But happy? You think I'm happy about you getting your heartbroken? Wow, nice to know."

Ted shook his head in surprise and whispered, "Sorry, I just...I didn't think about it like that, Barney."

Barney's expression softened as he mumbled, "I want you to be happy, Ted."

A genuine smile ghosted over Ted's lips. "Thank you. And I...well, I know that you can't right now, but I want you to happy too, Barney, eventually."

Barney scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Good luck with that, bro."

Ted could feel his heart fall out of place. It stung like a hot cinder to hear his best friend so nonchalantly doom himself to a joyless existence. He sighed and finally worked up the courage to ask, "Last night, when you said that you wanted to go back on your promise...you didn't really mean that, did you?"

Barney tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, seemingly taken aback by the question. He first shook his head, before he, much to Ted's dismay, shrugged his shoulders, and then he shook his head again. Ted was admittedly confused until Barney finally opened his mouth and whispered, "I think I meant it when I said it, but not now."

"Do you really still want to die, though, Barney?" Ted whispered, his voice strained as he struggled to get the words off of his chest.

"Ted, you're digging for an answer I can't give you. Sorry, but I can't say that I suddenly love life again and everything is mega-peachy. Unless you're totally fine with me lying right to your face, cause' in that case, life is mega-peachy, Ted. Just swell. God, I'm glad to be alive." Barney smiled at him phonily as he formed his hand into a fist and cheerfully rocked it back and forth in front of him.

"No, I do want you to be honest. Even if it'll hurt me to hear your real answer, I need to hear it, Barney."

Barney's smile faltered and he shrugged his shoulders again. "No, I guess. Yeah, no. I don't want to die, Ted."

"Are you just telling me what I want to hear again?"

"No. I'm being serious. Because, well, like I said, I want you to be happy and I know...well, me dying probably wouldn't make you too happy...I hope. And life...well it's not so unbearable that I'm desperate enough to put you through that. I'm okay, Ted. Really."

Ted smiled at him and wrapped his arm back around his shoulders as he found himself unable to keep from doing so. "Good. I don't think I could ever be happy again if you died."

Barney's eyes widened and shook as they filled up with moisture. He sniffled before whispering, "If you keep saying crap like that you might actually get your wish."

"My wish?"

Barney looked down at the floor as he mumbled, "About me being happy again...eventually."

Ted's smile grew exponentially and he bounced excitedly on the bed like a sugar-hyped five year-old. "Great, then I'll just keep saying crap like that," Ted whispered. Barney's eyes were incredibly intense again as he wiped at his cheeks and watched Ted with a wistful smile on his face. Ted grinned back at Barney and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before softly whispering, "Because, really, you're so damn important to me and I want nothing more than for you to..." Ted found his speech suddenly interrupted as his lips were prevented from forming words. It took a moment for it to register within his mind that Barney was kissing him; that it was really Barney's lips that were passionately pressed against his own. Once it did dawn on him, he felt dizzy, like the world was spinning and there was nothing solid within his reach that he could hold onto. He thought that he should hate the sensation of the whirling world, but he wasn't sure that he did. He felt a hand on the back of his head, gingerly pulling him deeper into the kiss and as he felt Barney's tongue begin to slip between the curtains of his lips, the world suddenly stopped spinning. Ted violently shoved his hand out in front of him and roughly beat it into Barney's chest.

Barney jerked away from him in shock, his eyes wide and wild with yearning. "Oh my God," he whispered, jumping off of the bed so that he could back even further away from Ted. "Ted...I'm sorry." Tears began to stream down his cheeks again and he cupped his hands over his eyes, his shoulders quivering with anxiety.

"Barney...," Ted whispered back, unsure of what it was that he wanted to say. "It's fine." He wondered if it really was. It didn't feel fine, but he wished that it did. "I...Just...Just don't do it again."

Barney was still hysterical as he dared to sneak a peek at Ted and quickly nodded his head. "Of course. I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," Ted repeated, rising to his feet as he shook his head and tried for a reassuring smile. "It was just a kiss, no biggie."

Barney dropped his hands back down to his side and nervously clenched and unclenched them into fists. A steady stream of tears was still falling down his cheeks, and Ted knew, that to him, it was a biggie. "I've managed to fight the urge to do that for thirty years; I can't believe I just let myself do that. God, if you weren't repulsed by me before..."

"Repulsed? That's a bit much, Barney," Ted mumbled, trying to keep his tone lighthearted and teasing. "It's not like you're unattractive, it's just like you're a guy, and I'm straight, so..."

"I know," Barney mumbled, "And that's what I mean. You're straight and I kissed you...Wow, I'm such an asshole."

"No, you aren't, it was a mistake, but it's fine. Okay? We're both fine, let's just forget this and go on. It'll be fine."

"You're never going to forget this happened, Ted. Every time that you're around me now you're going to be worried that I'll make another 'mistake', I just axed our friendship."

"Barney, hey, stop. You're so melodramatic, I swear. Like you said, you've wanted to do that for nearly thirty years and in those thirty years you've now done it exactly once, that's still pretty good. I'm not going to worry about you doing it again, Barney. And besides, even if you did, it wouldn't matter. It's not like you hurt me or anything."

Barney shook his head and moved back to sit on the bed so that he could rest his head in his hands. "Just...go. Neither of us wants to have this conversation, so just leave, Ted."

"But if I leave then you're just going to sit in here all day and mope, I don't want that! I just want you to get it through your astonishingly thick head that I'm not mad at you and that you shouldn't be mad at yourself either."

"Okay, whatever, Ted! Just go! Leave! Please!"

"Alright, alright, fine. But...um...just remember that you're my best friend and that nothing will ever change that." Ted smiled at Barney one last time before he spun around and walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.

He still felt a little dizzy and he had to lean his back against the wall in the hallway to ground himself again. The vivid memory of how it felt to have Barney's lips against his own burst into his brain and he couldn't shake it. Barney was a good kisser, Ted couldn't deny that much. Of course Barney would be a good kisser. He was Barney.

His lips were surprisingly soft, his touch was unexpectedly gentle. Ted knew that as a heterosexual man, kissing another man should have been nothing more than awkward and uncomfortable, but yet, as he thought back to the brief oh-so-passionate encounter, he knew that it had been more than that. It had been irrefutably enjoyable. He didn't feel repulsed at all, instead he felt...aroused.

The world around him began to spin again, slower this time, but still, it spun. He couldn't understand what he felt. He didn't even know if he wanted to understand. He was dangerously close to having to accept the fact that he almost hoped that Barney would slip-up and kiss him again. He wondered what it would feel like to go farther, and he felt his cheeks flush red. He didn't want to allow such thoughts inside of his head. It all just felt...wrong. He felt wrong.

He finally stepped away from the wall and began to make his way down the staircase, taking in a series of short, quick breaths as he descended. His mind was a mess as a bloody war waged within it. Shame skewered pleasure and terror tore down ecstasy.

He hadn't thought he was homophobic, not by any stretch of the word, but when it was him that might be homo, he was beginning to feel phobic. He felt like he wasn't quite sure who he was anymore, and at fifty-two years-old, that thought petrified him. He had thought he had it almost all figured out by now, that he had mastered the ways of the world and could now simply pass on the lessons that he had learned to his progenies, but now he didn't even understand himself.

"How I fell in love with your Uncle Barney" was not a story that he wanted to tell his kids. And yet, his heart was thumping out of his chest and the feeling of Barney's kiss was still fresh on his lips.

* * *

 **Here's to hoping that the last part of this chapter wasn't offensive. Fingers crossed. But I mean...of course Ted's going to be extremely freaked out, cut him some slack.**

 **Sooooo, anyway review, favorite, follow, all that jazz. Pretty please! Thanks for sticking with this story. I know it's been a slowwwwwwwwwww burn, but hopefully I'm starting to make that up to you.**

 **~As always, a new chapter will a couple of weeks!**


	7. Making Changes

Ted was in the kitchen throwing slabs of sliced deli meat onto fluffy wedges of mayo and mustard slathered white bread. He wasn't in the mood to cook so he had settled on compiling some generic sandwiches for dinner.

He hadn't spoken to Barney since the misfired announcement of his break-up with Robin and the subsequent moment of frenzied kissing. His head was still buzzing and he wasn't sure that he was ready to face him head-on yet. He wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his eyes off of Barney's lips the next time that he saw him. Hell, he wasn't even sure that he would be able to keep his _lips_ off of Barney's lips the next time that he saw him.

His finger slipped as he cut through a tomato and he nicked the edge of his thumb. He winced and pulled his hand back before sucking on his finger to ease the sting and control the blood flow. As he was just about to wander into the only bathroom on the first level to search for a Band-Aid the sound of the doorbell coursed through the interior of the home. He changed his direction, walked to the front door, and glanced through the peephole to see Robin standing on the other side.

Robin, the love of his life, the woman of his dreams. He should have been happy to see her, but instead the sight of her filled his heart with anxiety. Nonetheless, he quickly scrambled to open the door and greeted her with a cheery, "Hey, Robin, what brings you to my abode?" He winced, remembering that he had been dumped by her less than five hours ago, so his cheer didn't exactly suit their situation.

She smiled back at him and quickly launched into her explanation by saying, "Barney called me, he said that he felt super guilty for our fight and begged me to come give you another chance. So here I am. What do you say, Ted? Want to give it another go?" She shifted uneasily as her eyes met his and she waited, with bated breath, for his answer.

Ted stared at her in shock for a moment, unable to provide her with the relief of his affirmation. "Wait...Barney really did that?" he whispered, clearly awed.

Robin apprehensively nodded her head and mumbled, "Yeah...," as her smile began to wane.

Ted opened his mouth before he made up his mind on exactly what it was that he wanted to say. "Robin, I...I think that you were right. I don't think that we were working, and honestly I don't know if there's much of a point in trying to force things again. Maybe we'll just never be simpatico..." Once he had finished speaking, he took a deep breath and solemnly shook his head. He was appalled by his own words. He didn't know why he had said something like that to Robin. He had been waiting to rekindle their relationship for years and now he finally had and he was throwing it away. He hadn't even bothered to fight for it.

Robin gaped at him with wide-eyes and silently shook her head in protest. "Oh," she finally whispered. "I didn't...I was...Ted, I didn't know what I was saying. I was just trying to run from the commitment, I always self-sabotage, but I don't want to. Not with you. Not this time. Please, I want to try again. Even if you don't think we can make it work, I want to give it another shot. I won't run this time. I know that I...well...I love you, Ted." Her breath was far more bated than before and she seemed to be teetering on the very brink of tears.

Ted pulled her into his arms, rested his hand on the back of her head, and began to carefully stroke her hair. "Robin...I love you too," he whispered, before rushing to tack on, "But I just can't do this again right now." He released her and took a step back into his house. "You were right when you said that I need some time. I do. There's things that I need to work out. I think I'm having a midlife crisis or something, because honestly, Robin, I don't feel like I totally understand myself anymore and it's scary. I need some time to find myself. I'm sorry..."

Tears were flooding down her cheeks as she again whispered, "Oh..." She wiped at her cheeks and mumbled, "Okay, then. So...that's it, huh?"

Ted nibbled his bottom lip, feeling moisture begin to rise to his own eyes. He halfheartedly shrugged his shoulders and whispered back, "I guess it is. But um...Robin, please...we're still friends, right?"

Robin sniffled and cast her eyes to the ground as she mumbled, "Course' we are, Ted."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, his heart breaking at the image of her.

She met his eyes again and softly shook her head. "It's probably for the best."

Ted nodded his head and embraced her once more. "See you later," she whispered into his ear as they hugged.

"See you," he whispered back before they parted and she began to walk away down his driveway. There he was letting the woman of his dreams walk away from him. He felt like a fool.

He slammed the door closed and sighed. It was impossibly hard for him to admit to himself, but right now, Ted didn't want the woman of his dreams.

He wanted the man of his dreams.

His trepidations and reservations grew farther away with every step up the stairway that he climbed. By the time that he arrived in front of Barney's door, his body was moving on autopilot. He didn't bother with knocking, his swelling heart didn't have the time.

Barney instantly glanced up at him, startled. "Whoa, hey, wasn't that Robin at the door? What happened? Why aren't you two having mind-blowing make-up sex right now?"

Ted quickly mumbled in monotone, "I thought that she was what I wanted, everything that I've ever wanted, but now I think that maybe...maybe I want something completely different."

Barney's mouth dropped open and he shook his head in exasperation. "Oh boy, Ted. Fickle as ever." He hesitated, nervously licking his lips before he quietly asked, "What do you want now?"

Ted rushed over to the bed and shoved his laptop on the nightstand so that he could uninhibitedly take Barney's jaw in his hands and collide their lips together. Barney's tongue was instantly in his mouth this time and unlike before Ted didn't push him away because of it. The world was spinning again, but Ted relished the exhilaration of the ride. He slipped his own tongue between Barney's lips as his hand snaked back into his soft bottle-blond hair. They stayed like that for a frozen fragment of time until Barney finally pulled away from him. "You aren't just doing this out of pity are you?" he panted, his cheeks flushed and his pupils dilated.

Ted rapidly shook his head, taking in a quick breath of fresh oxygen before exclaiming, "Hell no, I'm doing this because you're hot."

Barney grinned widely at him and enthusiastically nodded his head, "Damn straight, I am! Took you long enough to notice. I thought I was too much man for you, though."

Ted grinned back at him, laughing as he said, "Huh, funny, so did I. I guess we were both misinformed." Barney's hands were suddenly tugging on the hem of Ted's t-shirt and Ted glanced down at his abdomen, a bit taken aback. Barney froze but Ted smiled at him and shook his head. "Go ahead."

Barney reflected his smile and began to pull Ted's shirt up over his head until his bare chest was exposed. Ted momentarily felt vulnerable and uncomfortable but once Barney's warm hands gently caressed his skin his apprehension melted away. Ted reached for Barney's suit coat but Barney had already carelessly shrugged it off and tossed it to the floor before Ted had the chance to do much. Soon Barney had unbuttoned his shirt and they were both sitting half-naked on the bed together with their hands all over each other and their lips interconnected.

Barney began undoing his belt and Ted didn't bother with breaking away from the kiss as he undid the buttons of his own jeans. He didn't feel wrong anymore. He felt like he had been whisked away to heaven. Everything, himself included, felt righter than he had ever known it could feel.

* * *

"Waking up in bed with the same person for a third time, that's pretty serious," Barney whispered, grinning. They were still lying in bed together. Their heads were propped up on the pillows as they stared into each other's eyes. Their clothing was lying in haphazard piles on the ground beneath them.

"I guess it is," Ted whispered back.

Barney tilted his head to the side and a serious expression spread over his features. "You okay? You're not already regretting what we did are you?"

Ted decisively shook his head and nervously flashed him a smile. "No, not at all, that was...wow. But...it's still just weird to me, I guess. Being in bed with you...doing what I did, with _you_."

Barney didn't seem offended by Ted's words, he simply nodded his head understandingly and said, "Yeah, I know what you mean. This doesn't feel like real life. But I guess I mean that in a different way than you do. I've been dreaming of this for years and you...well, I guess you're probably pretty surprised."

Ted chuckled lightheartedly and stated, "Surprised might be an understatement." He began to sit up in the bed, and as he did so his eyes nonchalantly traveled to the digital clock on the nightstand next to his laptop. He didn't like what he saw. "Oh crap, it's almost time for me to go to work and drive Penny and Luke to school. Oh God, I have to get out of here before they start looking for me," Ted rambled, kicking away the covers so that he could scramble out of the bed and reclaim his clothing.

"Wait, Ted!" Barney called, his voice audibly shaking with anxiety. "This isn't one of those things that you expect me to just forget about and never speak of again, is it?"

Ted paused mid-buttoning his jeans, and glanced over his shoulder at Barney. He smiled and confidently shook his head. "Not at all, this is one of those things that I really want to do again the very near future, but I do need to go, so can talk about said near future when I get home?"

Barney nodded his head appreciatively and they held each other's eyes for one blissful moment before Ted sprung back to life and finished getting dressed. He began to walk towards the door, but again froze and rapidly spun back around and made his way back to the bed. He leaned over and briefly pecked his lips against Barney's before whispering, "I'm sure this goes without saying, but this stays between us."

Barney pouted his lips and shook his head, "Aw, no, I was trying to figure out the best way to fit it into a hundred and forty characters or less so that I could tweet the good news." Ted grinned and kissed him again before he moved out into the hallway and down the stairs.

Luke and Penny were waiting for him in the kitchen. When he arrived they both shot him dubious looks and Penny accusingly asked him, "Why did you leave and go to bed last night in the middle of making dinner?"

Ted's eyes widened and he nervously stuttered, "I was ju-just really tired, Pen."

"Yeah, right, dad," Penny replied rolling her eyes. "We know that you were with Robin, just admit it."

Ted breathed out a heavy sigh but quickly tried to mask his relief by throwing his hands up into the air. "You got me."

His children both glared at him for a moment before Penny's eyes softened and she asked, "Is she still here?"

Ted rapidly shook his head. "Nope, she already caught a cab back to her apartment," he told her, trying his best to sound convincing.

A small smile tugged on the corners of his daughter's lips. "I like you two together," she informed him before turning around to face the counter so that she could continue pouring Cheerios into a bowl.

Ted frowned grimly at her back but put on a jovial veneer when he caught Luke staring at him quizzically. "Well good," he whispered softly, "I'm glad that you two are okay with it."

Penny glanced back over her shoulder at him, her smile growing. "We just want you to be happy, dad."

Ted had to cast his eyes down to the floor. Looking at her bright beautiful smile made him feel like he had had a vat of acid chucked into his eyes. He felt ashamed, like he had betrayed her. He wondered what she would think of his recent decisions. Barney did make him happy...or at least he thought that he did. Maybe it was too soon to tell.

He was almost certain, though, that Robin hadn't been making him happy. Not for the last couple of weeks, at least. He had loved her so much and his heart still ached to think that that love was useless to him now, but he hadn't been happy with her. Their relationship had always been a constant battle against the odds. They both desperately clung to their love like a life raft in an ocean far too violent to be kept at bay. Every moment, every embrace, every kiss was bursting at the seams with the painstakingly hidden fear that it would be their last. Ted had loved her, but always in the back of his mind he had wondered how far that love could carry him. How long they had until their incompatibilities and idiosyncrasies would rear their ugly little heads and send their life raft plummeting to the bottom of the sea at a breakneck speed. It was indisputably a relief to him to have had it all far apart. The iron-clad cage of dread clenched around his heart had finally been unlocked and in its place was a comforting acceptance. They had been doomed, really, and now that doom had come to fruition, and Ted would rather that be the case than have it continue looming above his head like an anvil.

But still, he felt ashamed.

He felt like an idiot. He had sacrificed his relationship with Robin for what, Barney? _Barney?_ His dirty, womanizing, sex-addict, pathological liar of a friend? No. That wasn't who Barney was, not anymore. Barney hadn't fit that description for going on ten years now. Not since Ellie had come into his life. From the very first moment he had held that beautiful bundle of baby in his arms he had been a changed man. A man that Ted thought might just be worth the cost. A man that Ted thought he might just be a little more than in love with. A man who might just make him happy. Truly happy.

"Thank you, that means a lot," Ted finally whispered back, silently praying that his children would understand, that they would love him despite the new path that he had decided to tread. "Now hurry up and finish eating breakfast or you'll be late for school."

Luke's eyebrows rose and he shrewdly asked, "And what, are you going to go to work in a t-shirt and jeans?"

Ted stared down at his attire and grimaced. The kid had a point. "Okay, you're right. I'll go get dressed, Penny you eat cereal."

Penny laughed and nodded her head with carefree ease. "Will do."

* * *

There was a blue Nissan parked out against the curb in front of Ted's house. He didn't recognize the car and no one was sitting inside of it. For a moment his heart clenched up with worry but he quickly released it as it dawned on him that it was probably just a completely harmless visitor of some sort. Still though, he made his way towards his home with a frantic kind of urgency in his every step.

He opened the front door and immediately rushed up the staircase. His mind had been stubbornly stuck on Barney all day. Thoughts of the night they had spent together had made it difficult for him to get any actual work done. He had been waiting for this moment. The moment that he could burst into Barney's room, pin him to the bed, and eagerly pull him into a hungry kiss that would make the world do loopty-loops all over again. He was desperately craving the ludicrous vertigo that only Barney's touch could offer him.

Things didn't go quite as planned, however. They never did. The door to the guestroom was already wide open and Barney was perched on the edge of the bed with James sitting next to him. "Ted!" Barney exclaimed gleefully, his eyes wide with childlike excitement.

Ted winced and glanced nervously at James. He was terribly afraid that the perceptiveness that allowed Barney to know how long it had been since someone had gotten it ran in the family and that James would be able to smell the sex on their skin. Or, more practically, that Barney's overtly adoring eyes would give away what Ted very much considered to be their "dirty little secret".

"Uh, hey, Barney," he mumbled, his eyes were still glued to James but he still barely remembered to tack on, "Hi, James."

James smiled at him and nodded his head. "Hey, Ted, good to see you. I hope you don't mind that I dropped by announced; I just wanted to see my baby bro." He gave Barney a tender pat on his back as he spoke and turned his head so that his smile was now directed towards him.

"Oh, no, I totally don't mind at all. Come whenever you want," Ted replied whilst casually waving off James' concerns with a swipe his hand.

Barney pouted at his brother and tilted his head towards the door. James' smile quickly dissolved into a grin and he knowingly nodded his head and rose to his feet. "Well, I should probably get going."

"Hold on, what was," Ted gestured aimlessly about the room with both of his hands, "All that?"

"All what?" James asked. His confused expression was rather convincing, Ted had to give him that.

"Barney tilting his head and you grinning and nodding. All that."

James looked at Barney with a helpless expression. Barney looked deep in thought, obviously trying to formulate an elaborate lie that would alleviate Ted's suspicions. Ted wasn't about to buy any of it. "You told him?" he hissed, his eyes filling with red-hot fury.

Barney gloomily shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe...a little bit, but-but, he's cool with it."

Ted shook his head in disbelief and slammed the door shut behind him so that Penny and Luke couldn't eavesdrop on this nightmare of a conversation. "Barney, I told you! I told you not to tell anyone! Why couldn't you do that one little thing for me!?"

James shifted his feet uncomfortably and took a step towards Ted. "It's alright," he said, trying to extinguish the fire that had consumed Ted's soul so that his brother could escape being burned alive by it. "Barney was just...a lot happier than I've seen him in a long time and so I sort of figured it out. But really, Ted, you have nothing to worry about. I won't tell anyone else or anything. And besides that, I'm...," James glanced back at his brother with a melancholy smile and then turned back to Ted with a pair of pleading eyes.

Ted's own eyes softened with understanding. "Okay," he whispered softly, brushing past James so that he could sit down on the bed next to Barney. "I am too."

"Sorry, you are what?" James questioned, the confusion on his face genuine this time around.

Ted smiled as he gingerly wrapped his hand around Barney's. "Happier than I've been in a long time," he whispered. Barney's downcast eyes rapidly flicked up to meet his as his eyebrows rose in disbelief. A hesitant smile peeked out at the corners of lips and Ted immediately pressed his own lips against it to convince it to stay.

James watched them with the love he held for his brother becoming evident in his eyes and giving him the courage to finally finish his statement. "I'm really happy for you two. I've always felt bad for Barney for falling in love with a straight dude."

Barney's eyes again lit up and he turned his disbelief onto his brother. "You knew!?"

"Uh, duh," James replied, rolling his eyes. "I've known since you first introduced me to him. God, I'm surprised that Ted never noticed the googly-eyes you used to give him back then."

"What!? No. I totally always played it super cool," Barney insisted. "I mean, thirty years of playing it that cool? I should really be given some kind of award."

James rolled his eyes again. "The blatantly love-sick award?"

The L-word was making Ted slightly uncomfortable. He knew that he felt it, and more than that, he knew that Barney felt it for him, but he wasn't ready to hear it be thrown around so easily. He still wasn't sure that he wanted to enter a full-blown relationship with Barney. The thought of it was just so ridiculously outlandish that it was almost enough to make Ted want to wave the whole thing away and forget about it entirely. His heart began to beat faster as, for the first time, regret settled within him. The thought of chickening out and breaking Barney's heart was on the forefront of his mind and it paralyzed him. He soon felt Barney absentmindedly squeeze his hand and his inner turmoil began to seem far sillier than their relationship, however.

"Anyway," James continued, taking another step towards the door, "Ted, please...take good care of him."

This time Ted squeezed Barney's hand as both of their cheeks took on a rosy red hue and Ted nodded his head. "I'll do my best."

James smiled at them one last time and said, "Love you, bro, see you soon," before walking out of the bedroom and closing the door behind him to them their long-awaited privacy.

"I'm sorry I told him," Barney whispered once they were alone.

Ted didn't say anything for a moment until he managed to settle on, "It's alright, but please don't tell anyone else. No matter what, don't tell anyone else."

Barney's eyebrows dipped down sullenly. "You...you're embarrassed, yeah?"

"Embarrassed?"

"Yeah," Barney whispered, tugging his hand away from Ted's and moving his eyes back down to the floor. "It's okay. Who wouldn't be?"

Ted shook his head and took Barney's head in both of his hands to force their eyes to meet. "I'm not embarrassed of you. I'm just not ready." Barney nibbled at his bottom lip, suddenly looking like he was on the verge of tears. Ted was beginning to feel a bit panicked. He felt like he was already breaking his word to James.

"Ted...I really don't want to say this, cause' I know it's going to make me sound like a clingy girl, or ya' know, you, but if this is all just meaningless sex and make-out sessions to you then I want to know."

Ted quickly shook his head and made haste to assure him that, "None of this is meaningless to me, Barney. I can't really tell you what it means just yet, but it definitely does mean something."

Barney reluctantly nodded his head, not looking fully convinced. "I mean, normally I'd be all for meaningless sex, but not with you."

Oddly enough, Ted found that kind of sweet.

"And not now...I...um...need you right now, Ted. You're the only thing that makes everything hurt kinda just a little bit less."

Ted found that even sweeter. He nodded his head and wrapped his arms around Barney. "I'm here for you, buddy. I'm not going anywhere." Barney rested his head against Ted's for a moment and took a deep breath. Ted knew that he was still struggling to keep back tears so he whispered, "It's okay to cry. I understand."

Barney clung to him tighter and carefully shook his head, his soft hair brushing against Ted's cheek in the process. "No, but I mean, if this whole thing turns out to be a huge mistake and it blows up in our faces...you wouldn't ever just like stop being friends with me would you?" he whispered, his voice hardly audible despite the fact that his mouth was so close to Ted's ear that he could feel the warmth of his breath. Ted wondered if Barney's fear of abandonment had grown. Of course, Ellie hadn't abandoned him, but she had still, in a way, walked out of his life. And even before that, his mother had abandoned him in the very same sense of the word. Really, Ted was surprised that Barney was ever able to keep from crying.

Ted swiveled his head so that he was facing Barney. Their eyes were now perfectly lined-up and their lips were mere inches apart. "Barney, I know that when we were younger I used to play games and pretend like you didn't mean as much to me as you really did, but honestly, Barney, I couldn't live in a world without you any more easily than you could live in a world without me."

Barney smiled softly at him for a moment before impulsively bringing their lips back together for a quick, impassioned kiss. "You are my world now," he mumbled, leaving Ted to wonder how words so kind could sting so deeply. "I mean, sorry to put that kind of pressure on you," he hurriedly added, kissing him again with more force and desire than before.

"I'll be whatever you need me to be," Ted whispered, gasping for air as he broke away from Barney's lips. "But not right now, right now I need to go downstairs and make dinner, or Penny and Luke will start to get suspicious."

Barney shot him a disappointed glare that quickly gave way to a wounded, sulking expression. Surprisingly, he didn't vocalize his hurt, however.

"You can come hang with me in the kitchen if you want, though," Ted offered, hoping that he could get rid of the dejection in Barney's eyes. "Yeah, come with me, I could use the company."

Barney shrugged and they both rose to their feet and made their way, side by side, to Ted's kitchen. Once they got there Ted immediately began to rifle through the fridge for ingredients. "What're you gonna make?" Barney inquired, not really sounding too interested.

"I'm thinking meatloaf," Ted answered, coming off as much more enthusiastic about his cooking.

"Hey so what did Robin say when you broke up with her?" Barney asked. He'd obviously been waiting to ask this for a while, and why he thought that now was the right time to get the question off of his chest was beyond Ted.

"Barney...," Ted mumbled, shaking his head, "Could you not?"

"But, Ted," Barney whined immaturely, "Please! I wanna know."

"She told me she loved me and asked me to give it another go," Ted whispered, his voice coming out hollow and devoid of emotion. He knew that the only emotion he was capable of mustering at the moment was intense sadness and they had both had enough of that.

"Damn," Barney hissed, "If you had dumped her for anyone but me I'd be soooooo pissed at you right now."

Somehow that wasn't reassuring.

"Let's just drop the subject!" Ted growled, letting more anger slip through than he had intended. Barney fell silent and remained silent for longer than Ted had thought he could manage. "I'm sorry," Ted finally whispered, more for the sake of breaking through the tension than anything else.

"Are you...regretting it?" Barney finally whispered.

"Regretting what?" Ted asked, wincing as he caught note of the still very much present tone of irritation in his voice.

"Choosing me..."

Ted stopped stirring for a moment and glanced over his shoulder at Barney's small frame leaning against the corner of the counter like he was trying to sink into the granite. He wasn't looking back at him, his eyes were on the floor again. Ted wasn't sure how to answer his question. If he answered it honestly than he would have to admit that he wasn't really sure. That there was a part of him that still felt like a fool for having made such a decision. Ted didn't want to admit that, not to someone so fragile, not to Barney. So instead, he opted for a half-truth. "No, Barney, new is always better."

That got the desired reaction from Barney as he cracked a small smile and he shifted away from the counter a bit. "Do you have a rule against doing it on the kitchen counter?"

Ted rolled his eyes at him and turned back to his bowl of meat and breadcrumbs. "I have a rule against doing it anywhere where my children might walk in on us at any moment."

"So...Pantry?"

Ted couldn't help but chuckle a little as he shook his head. "No. Let me be more specific, bedroom with a locked door only."

"The door wasn't locked last night..."

"Oversight, won't let it happen again."

"What are the rules for first base? Please don't tell me we have to be in a bedroom for that too."

Ted hesitated for a moment, dropping his wooden spoon into the bowl with a clang as he turned back around to face Barney. "I guess as long as Penny and Luke aren't in the room..."

"Good," Barney whispered, bridging the gap between them. "Because you look really hot when you cook, or ya' know, when you breathe." He confidently took hold of Ted's chin and pulled him into a fervent kiss, straightaway allowing his tongue to explore Ted's mouth.

Ted wasn't sure that he was in the mood to be kissed, but once Barney's lips were against his, he became a more than willing participant. He quickly became so enamored by Barney's touch that he didn't notice when the door to the kitchen swung open. The only thing that finally pulled his attention away from nirvana was his son's startled cry of, "Dad!?"

Ted immediately shoved Barney away from him, putting so much of his weight behind it that he was almost certain he'd leave a bruise on his stomach. "Luke!" he called back in shock. "This isn't..." Oh shit, who was he kidding? This was his worst nightmare brought to life! How could he have allowed this to happen?

"Dad, what...what!?" Luke shouted, waving his arms about frantically.

Ted glanced over helplessly at Barney who simply shrugged at him. "I...we..." He didn't know what to say. Didn't have a clue where he should start. Nothing, not a single thing, could probably explain away the mess that his life had become. "He just suddenly kissed me! He's bisexual!"

Barney's eyebrows creased together and he shot Ted a glare that could only be interrupted as saying, _"Come again? Excuse me?"_

This time Ted was the one to shrug. He obviously felt bad about his odd, incoherent outburst, but desperate times such as these called for odd, incoherent outbursts.

"Yeah...you totally didn't look like you wanted him to suck your face," Luke said, classic teenage sarcasm oozing out of his voice. He shook his head in disbelief, looking slightly ill.

"I didn't!" Ted shouted, growing even more hysterical. Barney now looked like he wanted to slap him, and Ted really couldn't blame him. He reasoned that he'd just have to apologize later. Barney would forgive him. No matter how awful he was to him, Barney always forgave him.

"Dad!" Luke shouted back, "Stop lying to me! I know what I saw!"

"Luke, Robin and your dad broke up, he's with me now, capeesh?" Barney finally interrupted, his voice was so smooth and easy that Ted would have been impressed had he not been so terribly flustered.

Luke turned his attention to Barney with widened eyes. "You...and dad?" he mumbled, clearly dumbfounded.

"Yeah," Barney answered, "You're dad kissed a dude, deal with it."

Ted shook his head and stepped in front of Barney. "Whoa!" he exclaimed, "That's not...Barney!"

Barney shrugged again. "Ted, if you would stop being such a damn chump, you would see that this isn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be! It's 2030! Society is more accepting than ever, so why the hell are you trying to teach your son that kissing another guy is something to be this fuc...freaking ashamed of!? He was going to find out about us eventually, anyway!"

"I know, I know!" Ted shouts back, waving him off, "Just...not now, not like this!"

"Wait, so, dad, you and Uncle Barney...really?" Luke still seemed to be partially paralyzed by the startling revelation that had clearly struck him like truck.

Ted felt fairly frozen himself. The world was spinning again, but not in a good, sexy way, it was more of a "the apocalypse is nigh" sort of way. He glanced at Barney one last time before he dared do so much as open his mouth. He was looking at him with nervously expectant eyes that seemed to drill into Ted until he finally, reluctantly whispered, "Yes. Yes, he and I are...together-ish."

"Wait so...last night..." The color drained out of Luke's face and his features shifted to convey his horror.

"Kid," Barney mumbled, exasperatedly, "I assure you that if you think real hard about him and Robin doing the do it'll be just as disturbing."

Luke's eyes widened and his jaw dropped open an inch.

"Barney!" Ted hissed, "Just get out and let me deal with this!"

"Not gonna happen, if I leave, you'll just get all down with the Barney forced himself on me business again."

"Okay, okay, fine!" Ted shouted, "Let's just all calm down and..." The door to the kitchen swung open again. "Crap." Barney snickered and Ted found that he was now the one who wanted to do the slapping.

"Dad? What's all the screaming about?" Penny asked as she casually strolled into the warzone.

"Meatloaf!" Ted remarked, "Luke and Barney hate it, I told them to suck it up!"

"Ooh, meatloaf! Sounds pretty good to me. When'll it be ready, I'm starved."

Ted turned back to his cooking and shrugged. "About an hour."

"Holy crap, dad! That's forever!" she whined.

Luke left the room without another word and Ted had never been so relieved in his life. That was, at least, until Barney also huffily stormed out of the room. All he could do was thank God for the bliss that was Penny's ignorance.

* * *

Dinner was pretty awkward. Pretty being a gross understatement of the actual amount of awkward that dinner was.

Luke kept shooting Barney dirty glances and Barney kept glaring at Ted and Penny kept prattling on about how some Emmanuel dude totally had a thing for her and she didn't know what to do about it, because he was cute but Christy dated him for a month last year and told her that he was a total snooze-fest, but on the other hand, Christy is actually kind of an uppity bitch, so who cares about her opinion, anyway? "Language, Penny," Ted mumbled, so out of it he was speaking out of instincts alone.

"Sorry, dad," she begrudgingly muttered back. She ate silently for a mere moment before cheerfully remarking, "This meatloaf is great, dad! I don't know what those two were nagging about."

"Oh, I don't know, maybe about how dad..." Luke suddenly grunted in pain and stopped talking. He shot Barney a harsh glance from across the table, but Barney was too busy pretending to be too busy eating to notice.

Ted felt a smile tug at his lips. He was pleasantly surprised that despite his opposing view on the issue, Barney still respected his desire to keep their relationship a secret enough that he had kicked his son in the shins for him.

"Ted burnt the hell out of it; this here is his second go, his first was a crispy nightmare. We told him to stop trying, but he was insistent and that's why it took him a year to get dinner ready." Ah, yes. There was Barney prepped and ready with an elaborate lie just like in the good ole' days.

Penny smiled at her father and said, after a bite of meatloaf, "Well, I think it was worth the wait."

Barney grinned at Ted and whispered with a hesitant hint of adoration, "So do I."

Ted felt heat rise to his cheeks as the flattery sank in. He was worth the thirty years of longing. And, he made a sick meatloaf. Maybe awkward wasn't all that dinner was.

Guilt reared its ugly, noxious little head again and Ted was seized by a feverish desire to be honest and spill his guts to his daughter. Barney's uncharacteristic, or perhaps more characteristic than Ted realized, kindness, made him feel like he owed him at least that much. So, Ted courageously opened his mouth and said, "Penny, there's something that I need to tell you." Barney and Luke's eyes both snapped up to meet his, hopes and fears reflected in their gazes. "I...think it's time that you start learning to cook."

"Huh?" Luke, Barney, and Penny all questioned in unison.

The guilt in Ted's chest grew exponentially. He had disappointed Barney and lied to one of his children again. He was a coward. "You're fifteen, it's time you start learning such an important life skill, and it'll be good father-daughter bonding time for us."

Barney stood up and began to wordlessly walk away again and Ted felt his heart snap. He was sick of being a coward. He shouldn't be ashamed of kissing him, he should be ashamed of trying to hide it. "Wait, Barney!" he called, standing up so quickly that he banged his knees against the table and the dishware atop it clattered nosily. "Penny, that isn't what I wanted to say..." Barney froze and spun back around to face him, the hope having been returned to his eyes. "I...broke up with your Aunt Robin."

"Oh," Penny whispered. She wrinkled her nose and mumbled, "Wow. So Luke and I had to sit through that century long story for no reason?"

Ted nervously rubbed at the back of his neck. "Well...I mean...It was a good story...But anyway, that's not all that I need to tell you."

"Wait," Penny interrupted, "But you spent all last night with her and you told me just this morning how happy she made you, what happened?"

"I um..."

"Dad wasn't with Aunt Robin last night," Luke remarked, scowling at his father and shaking his head.

Ted didn't like the way this was panning out. He didn't feel in control of the conversation and he didn't like it. "I'm dating someone else right now."

"Wait...what? You just broke up with Aunt Robin! How could you have already started dating someone else!?"

"Ted, this is excruciating," Barney whined, walking back towards the table. "Rip the damn bandage off and get on with life!"

"It's Barney!" Ted finally shouted, just desperate enough that he was willing to try taking Barney's advice.

"What's Barney?" Penny asked before her eyes quickly widened and a lightbulb visibly turned on inside her skull. "Oh! Uncle Barney stole Aunt Robin from you!?" She turned to face Barney, her eyes hard and filled with anger. "How could you do that!?"

Barney put his hands in the air like he was about to be arrested. "Hold up! That's not what happened!"

"Barney kind of...stole me from Aunt Robin, actually..." Ted muttered, suddenly finding a small dab of barbeque sauce on the tablecloth extremely captivating.

"Say what!?" Penny sputtered, glancing over at her brother in astonishment.

Luke shrugged his shoulders at her and mumbled, "I don't know, don't look at me."

Penny took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. "I thought...Dad you need to get back together with Aunt Robin!"

Barney's eyes widened and he quickly clenched and unclenched his hands. Ted couldn't bear the sadness that had been returned to his eyes tenfold by Penny's words. He jumped to his feet and walked to him, setting a hand on his back and turning back around to give his daughter a harsh scowl. "Penny," he said, his tone full of warning.

"No, dad, I thought...I thought that I was...going to have a mom again. I thought that Aunt Robin and I could go shopping together, get our nails done together, share lipstick, but now...You've stolen that all away from me!"

Ted's mouth fell open and his tongue flapped about inside of it like a dying carp.

"Penny, you're dad's relationships aren't about you, get your head out of your..."

"Whoaaaaa!" Ted shouted, slapping his hand against Barney's back so hard he gasped in pain. "Barney!"

"Okay, okay, sorry," Barney mumbled, not sounding the least bit sincere. "Penny, I'll take you shopping, buy you anything you want. Pssh, bet Robin wouldn't do that. And we can get our nails done together, because guys can get manicures too, Penny, don't be sexist."

"You're like the most sexist person in the universe," Penny mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"What? I so am not, what gave you that idea!?"

"Dad told us all about your Playbook, you're a total perv."

"Correction, Penny," Ted butted-in, "He used to be a total perv, now he's more like...a partial perv."

"Exactly," Barney said, grinning, "Give me a chance! Pleaasssee, Penny!"

Penny rolled her eyes. "Fine, but it _will_ cost you. You better be serious about letting me buy anything I want."

"I am! Anything you want!"

"Not fair! If you're going to buy her stuff, you have to buy me stuff too! I'm even more against this than she is!" Luke argued.

"Fine! Whatever! Just let me date your dad! I really like him!" Barney sounded like the child in this situation as he boyishly begged for Penny's approval.

Ted caught sight of a small smile playing on Penny's lips. Barney had that effect. You could try to mad at him, but nine out of ten times it wouldn't work. "You break his heart and I'll break you."

"You're already going to break my bank..." Barney muttered under his breath before forcing a smile at Penny. "Won't break his heart, you have my word and my word is..."

"Oak," Ted mumbled.

"Oak," Barney finished, smirking at Ted.

"I just want to un-see what I saw," Luke whispered, shaking his head.

"Ted can we make-out in front of Luke again!? It'll be fun!"

"Maybe later," Ted replied, grinning back at him. "For now, I need to get these dishes washed. And I need to try to get that barbecue sauce off of the tablecloth..."

* * *

"Barney, it's a really bad idea to take Penny and Luke on a shopping spree. I highly advise against it," Ted said immediately upon walking into Barney's room after he had cleared the table and cleaned up the kitchen. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Why?" Barney asked, distractedly. He had Ted's laptop again and was doing who knows what with it.

"Well, first off, I think you're underestimating how much they're going to try to get you to spend on them, and also, you don't even know when you're going to go back to work."

"Don't worry about that," Barney mumbled, still refusing to look up at him. "I have the money."

"Okay, even if you do, I've worked hard to not spoil them and I don't want to start now."

"Oh please, isn't that just called being stingy?" Barney finally met Ted's eyes and his eyebrows drooped gloomily as he whispered, "Ted, I just really want them to like me, and I'm not beneath bribing them."

"You don't need to bribe them, Barney," Ted quickly assured him, a smile appearing on his face. "Penny and Luke already like you, they were just shocked so they said some...well, admittedly hurtful things, but I promise you that under normal circumstances they really do like you!"

"Wow, yeah, that was comforting, Ted," Barney scoffed with all the melodrama he could muster. He rolled his eyes and mumbled, "They like Robin better! That's not fair! Why do they like Robin better!?"

Ted shrugged his shoulders. "You take getting used to."

"Excuse me!? Ted, what's that supposed to mean?"

Ted grinned at him and set a hand on his calf. "Kidding." Really he wasn't, but he didn't want to go through the work of trying to explain Barney's eccentricities to him. "They've just spent more time around Robin, but I'm sure with time, they'll grow to like you just as much."

"Time _and_ money, Ted. Time _and_ money."

"Just time."

"And also money."

"No."

"Yes."

Barney stared at him silently, hope radiating in his brilliantly blue eyes, and Ted buckled, "I mean...maybe a shopping trip could be good bonding time too...just don't you dare buy them _everything_ that they ask for."

"Yes! Okay! I didn't need your permission in the first place, but okay!"

"You so did need my permission!" Ted protested, taking his hand off of Barney's leg so that he could childishly fold his arms over his chest in indignation. "And you know what? I don't trust you to not spoil them, so I'm going to go with you."

Barney grinned at him and set the laptop to the side so that he could get up and walk to the end of the bed to meet him. "First off, I'm going to spoil them whether you're there or not, and besides that, I'd actually rather you come, because you're presence will be a nice buffer for the awkwardness that will surely ensue."

Ted cocked his head to the side before slowly nodding. "You have a point. Even with me there it might get awkward, though. Especially if you can't keep your hands to yourself."

"Oh, I make no promises," Barney whispered, laughing as he quickly wrapped his arm around Ted's waist. His expression grew more serious as he added, "It'll be nice, though. Like...," his cheeks reddened a bit and he looked away from Ted before whispering, "We're a family or something."

Ted smiled at him and scooted closer into his embrace. "We are. I mean, a weird sort of family, but still." He paused and they slipped into a comfortable silence for a few moments before he asked, "Do you remember when we almost adopted a baby together?"

Barney laughed again and nodded his head. "Course'. You said I'd be your first pick if you were gay."

Ted began to laugh with him before he managed to calm down enough to say, "You said you definitely weren't gay back then. Why?"

Barney shrugged. "I didn't see the point in telling you I was bi. Robin was really the only one that I wanted at the time, anyway."

Ted nodded knowingly. "Imagine if we had adopted a baby, though..."

"It would have been awesome."

"It kind of would have been. Though, really, I don't think either of us were ready for a kid."

"Well, based off recent events, I don't think I've ever been ready for a kid."

"Hey, no. That's not what I meant." Ted laid his head down on Barney's shoulder and stared up at him in a way that hurt his neck, but was worth the pain. Barney carried the residue of overwhelming sorrow in his eyes, and though it never really seemed to go away, there were times that Ted forgot that it was there, this was not one of those times.

"Sorry," Barney whispered, "I try...not to get heavy, but you know, truth be told she's still on my mind like 24/7."

"I know," Ted whispered back, "Of course she is."

"I feel so guilty, Ted," Barney mumbled back, "I love her so damn much, but I...I feel like she's haunting my head, you know?"

Ted nodded, sitting back up so that he could meet Barney's eyes more easily. "I felt the same way about Tracy, to be honest. You don't want to forget them, you never would, but...you can't help but think that it would be so much less painful if you did."

"Yeah, exactly," Barney whispered, shifting uncomfortably, but keeping his arm around Ted all the same. "But hey...Ted?"

"Yeah?"

"In a hypothetical world where I did tell you that I had a thing for you when were in our thirties, what would have happened?"

Ted smiled and shrugged his shoulders for what felt like the trillionth time that hour. "I don't know. Probably not much."

"But what if I kissed you and you caught the hots for me back then like you did yesterday?"

Ted shrugged again. "Again, probably nothing. I wanted the wife and kids package, Barney."

"We could have adopted."

"Barney, I like the way my life turned out. I loved Tracy and my time with her. We're together now, that's enough."

"I know. I just wanted to know. Hypothetically, I mean."

Ted tried to picture it. He too wondered how his life would have turned out had he fallen for Barney decades ago. He tried to picture getting married to him, adopting kids with him, having a white-picket fence life where neither of them got diagnosed with cancer and buried six-feet down. Even just imagining it made him feel guilty, because there had always been that part of him that had wondered if he'd have been better off marrying someone else. Someone who wouldn't die and break his heart. That was why he didn't like knowing, even hypothetically. He couldn't allow a part of himself, even a very small one, to pine after a world where he had married Barney and never developed the excruciating pain in his heart that still lingered today. The guilt was too much to swallow.

"Let's just focus on the future," Ted finally whispered, leaning in to press his lips against Barney's.

* * *

"Dad, can we just sit and talk about this for a second?"

"Barney?"

"Yes, Barney."

Ted glanced at the mirror one last time before flicking off the bathroom lights and walking out into the hallway. "Penny, can we talk about it in the car? We need to get going."

Penny nodded her head and began to follow after him as he made his way down the stairs. "Fine by me if you think you can deal with listening to Luke whine."

"I think I can deal with it," Ted mumbled back, opening the front door. "Luke come on, we're going!" he yelled over his shoulder.

Penny took shotgun as the three of them loaded up into the car and once Ted pulled out of the driveway she immediately launched into the discussion that she had been waiting to have. "Dad, I swear I'm not saying this because I'm not okay with you dating a guy, I am, but...I don't know if I'm okay with you dating Barney."

"I'm not okay with you dating a guy!" Luke called from the backseat.

"Shut up, Luke!" Penny hissed, "No one asked for your opinion!"

"No one asked for yours either!" Luke countered.

"You're both right, I didn't ask for either of your opinions," Ted muttered, gripping the steering wheel tighter as his irritation grew.

"But, dad, hear me out!" Penny pleaded.

"Fine, I'm listening."

"Okay, so," Penny paused and silently stared out the front window for a moment as she collected her thoughts. "Uncle Barney's not in a good place right now, and I really don't think that it's a good idea for you to get involved with him while he's this broken."

"Barney isn't broken," Ted replied, his voice gruff and laced with frustration. He didn't like the way his kids talked about Barney. He didn't feel like either of them understood the depth of his feelings for the other man.

"Okay, but he is grieving and do you really want to...interrupt that?"

"I'm helping him through it."

"Is that what this is about? Are you sacrificing your happiness for his?"

"No, Penny. You said you wanted me to be happy, right? Well I am. So please, just...try to get used to this."

Penny bit her bottom lip and slowly nodded her head. "I thought Robin made you happy."

Ted shrugged and mumbled, "I thought so too for a while, but I think that I had forgotten what actual happiness in a relationship felt like. I know that I've disappointed you, that you were looking forward to having Robin as a mother-figure, but...Please, Penny, Luke, let me be selfish just this once."

"He's going to buy us stuff, right?" Luke asked, leaning forward in his seat so that Ted could see him.

"Yeah, unfortunately he is."

"Well...I mean, I guess as long as he does that much...But if you two ever kiss in front of me again, I swear I'm going to have to gouge my eyes out."

"Luke!" Penny shouted again before turning back to her father with a small smile on her face. "Dad, you're right, you deserve to be as selfish as you want. I don't even care if you kiss him in front of me." She folded her arms across her chest with a contended sigh and a relaxed grin on his lips. "I do want him to buy me a truckload of clothes, though. Sorry, I can't turn down that offer."

Ted couldn't help but chuckle as he pulled up in front of Luke's middle school and his son began to climb out of the car. "See you later, Luke!" he called.

"Bye, dad!" Luke called back, slamming the car door closed.

Ted turned back to look at his daughter and said, "Hey, Pen...you, um...like Barney, right?"

Penny grinned back at him knowingly. "He thinks that I don't?"

Ted nodded his head and started the car back up so that he could take them to Penny's high school.

"Well, he's an annoying idiot most of the time, but...next time he asks, tell him that I love him. He's the good kind of idiot. The kind of idiot that you like having around." Penny's grin dissolved into a warm smile as she set a hand on her father's shoulder. "I really do just want you to be happy, dad. And if you make him happy in the process, then, really, I guess that that makes me happy too."

Ted smiled back at her and parked the car in front of her school. He pulled her into a hug and whispered, "Thank you. I love you, Pen. Have a good day."

"Love you too, dad," she whispered as she pushed the door open and stepped outside. "Have a good day too!"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Lily called him during his lunch break. He was alone with a burrito from the halfway-decent place across from his work when his phone began to buzz. He quickly answered it and greeted her with a, "Hey, Lil, how are you?"

"Hi, Ted, I'm good. I called Barney and got him to forgive me," she replied, her voice perky and amicable.

"Good for you," Ted replied, not at all surprised. Surely Barney had realized that if it weren't for Lily's loose lips they would have never wound up in bed together.

"And also, do you have plans for Thursday? I was thinking birthday BBQ bash at your place?"

"What? No, Lily. I don't think anyone's in the mood for a birthday party. I don't want one."

"Actually, it was Barney's idea, he said that he could really use a birthday party right about now, and quite frankly, I'm currently inclined to give him anything that he wants. Honestly if he asked to touch my boobs right now I'd let him," she paused and the line fell painfully silently before she added, "Don't tell Marshall I said that." She paused again and when she next spoke her voice was high-pitched with panic. "Wait, to get Barney to forgive you, you didn't let him touch your...uh..."

"My boobs?"

"I was going to go with another pair of round things, actually."

"No of course not!" Ted sputtered. Barney had forgiven him before that. That wasn't why they had done that. He quickly tried to steer the conversation back on course by asking, "Have you already invited Robin?"

"Not yet, why do you want to do it?" Lily asked innocently, blissfully unaware of the predicament that Ted had gotten himself into.

"No, you go ahead and do it," Ted replied, trying to sound casual so that she wouldn't catch on to just how desperate he was for her to do it.

"Alright." There was concern evident in her voice that made Ted's stomach tighten into a knot. He knew that she could probably tell that something was wrong, he just hoped that she wouldn't ask what it was. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Ted sighed and dropped his burrito back down on his plate, his appetite fading. "Nothing's wrong."

"Are things okay with you and Robin?" She sounded like she wasn't certain that she wanted to hear his answer. He couldn't blame her.

"Yeah, we're fine," Ted lied, wondering why he was even bothering to hide the truth from her. Robin and he couldn't pretend that they were still in a relationship, especially not when they would all have to be together at his birthday party. Lily and Marshall would expect them to be all over each other and when they weren't, well, it would become obvious that things weren't okay between them. Ted reasoned that it would probably be better to break the news to them now, so he sighed again and shook his head despite the fact that she couldn't see him. "No, Lily, we broke up."

He could hear her breath hitch before she whispered, "I'm so sorry, Ted. What happened?"

"I just...kinda ended things. It's a long story that I don't really feel like talking about."

"Oh," Lily whispered, an edge of sadness to her voice. "Well I'm sure you made the right call. But you're both still friends, right?"

"Yeah, of course we are. I think we've mastered how to break-up and remain friends by now."

"I'm surprised, though, Ted. I never thought you'd be the one to end things."

Ted felt pretty offended by that statement, but he couldn't really blame her for it. She had a point. He had never imagined him being the one to end things, either. "I know, but I think that you had it right when you bet against us. Sometimes just loving someone isn't quite enough."

"I know, Ted, I wish for your sake that it was."

"I'm okay, Lily. Really." Ted wished that he could tell her that he was happy, that it had been for the best, but while he had found the courage to tell his daughter, he still didn't have enough guts to tell his friends. So, he picked his burrito back up and said, "Well, I've gotta go, my lunch break is almost over."

"Alright, Ted, see you Thursday," Lily whispered softly into the phone.

"See you, Lil," Ted whispered back, his tone just as solemn as hers. He ended the call, took a few more bites of his lunch, then stood up and walked back to work.

* * *

 **Anti-climactic chapter ending? How dare you!? Okay, yeah, it totally is. I love this chapter, though. I hated it when I first wrote it, but looking back at it, it's probably one if my favorite things I've written.**

 **Anywho, a new chapter will be posted sometime before the end of this month. Thank you for all for reading and thank you so much for the super sweet reviews I received on the last chapter!**


	8. Facing Challenges

"First thing's first, I want a pretzel."

"You get a pretzel every time we go to the mall."

"I know, it's tradition," Penny replied, smiling back at her father as she began to take charge and lead the four of them to the Auntie Anne's.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, here's my wallet," Barney mumbled, thrusting his wallet into Ted's hand and beginning to stray from the group.

"Wait, you can't just hand me your wallet," Ted whispered back.

"Why not? I trust you."

Ted sighed and shook his head. "I appreciate that, but that's not really my point..."

"Ted," Barney said, taking on the tone that he used when he didn't want to have his plans to be interfered with, "Spend as much as you want. Stop worrying so much."

"I think you need to worry more," Ted mumbled back, staring down at Barney's wallet like it was a rattlesnake flicking its tongue out at him.

"Whatever. I'll meet you at the pretzel place or whatever, okay?"

Ted nodded his head and reluctantly rushed to catch up with his children, splitting off from Barney in the process. He glanced back over his shoulder, but he had already disappeared into the masses.

Once they reached Auntie Anne's, Penny ordered a large salted pretzel and Luke got pepperoni pretzel bites. When it was time for Ted to pay, he automatically pulled his own wallet out of his pocket. No part of him felt comfortable with using Barney's cash to buy his kids things. Honestly, he was dreading the day ahead of them. He couldn't foresee things ending well. So, after they had gotten their food and began to wander a few steps away from the shop to wait for Barney to arrive, Ted decided that he would lay down the law. "Kids," he advised, making his voice as paternal as possible, "If you spend an exorbitant amount of Barney's money today, you're both grounded."

"Dad, he offered," Penny pointed out, desperation in her voice. She was clearly itching to do some serious shopping.

"I don't care," Ted replied as he sternly shook his head. "He's trying to buy your love, and I don't approve of it. He shouldn't have to spend money on you guys for you to be nice to him."

"We are nice to him!" Penny whined, "But he just wants to spend some money on us. You should let him. It'll make him happy."

Ted rolled his eyes and tapped his foot in annoyance. "Penny, like you said yesterday, he's going through a lot right now. He's not thinking clearly and he doesn't realize what a bad idea it is for him to blow through his money like this."

"He's rich, dad. You know how outrageously rich he is!" Luke butted-in, popping a pretzel nugget into his mouth.

"Maybe, but that still doesn't make it okay," Ted argued as he leaned over to take a piece of pepperoni pretzely goodness from his son. He felt a hand clap down onto his shoulder and he jerked back in surprise.

"I have returned. Hope you didn't miss me too much," Barney said, stealing the stolen pretzel bite from Ted and eating it before Ted had the chance to stop him.

Ted simply rolled his eyes and dug into his back pocket to pull out Barney's wallet. "Here," he said as he passed it back to its rightful owner.

Barney took it from him with a grateful nod. "Where to next?" he asked, directing the question to Luke and Penny.

"The Apple store, I want the iPhone 17," Luke nonchalantly answered, already beginning to walk off in the direction of the store.

Ted's eyes widened and he cast the back of his son's head the dirtiest glare that he could muster. Barney showed no indication whatsoever of being upset as he began to silently follow after Luke. "Luke!" Ted called, refusing to move forward with the rest of the group. "What did I just tell you!? And doesn't that thing like not have a screen or something, anyway?"

Luke completely ignored his father and quickened his pace so that Ted had no choice but to dash to catch up with them. Before Ted had the chance to expound upon his argument, he found himself already inside of the technological hub.

Luke immediately started chatting up a sales person, and had an iPhone 17 in his hot hands a mere minute later. Barney instinctively pulled his credit card out of his wallet and a spike nauseous tension seized Ted's very soul. "Barney, this is ludicrous," he whispered, tugging gently on the sleeve of his suit.

"It's fine," Barney insisted, "Totally, totally fine."

When Ted's eyes next settled on his son, he was trying to balance the tiny box of the cell phone on top of the much larger box of a laptop. "It's so not fine," Ted whispered, awestruck. He had never in his life felt this ashamed of his children.

"Oh great, he's getting a MacBook too," Barney mumbled, his voice so emotionless that Ted honestly couldn't determine whether he was being sarcastic or not.

Ted gave up on trying to reason with Barney, and instead wandered away from him in order to reprimand his son. "Luke!" he sternly shouted as he strolled up to him. "This isn't going to happen. I can't believe you even think that I'm going to let you spend this much."

"It's not up to you," Luke replied, cockily sauntering past his father and towards the checkout.

"It is up to me! You're never going to get to experience the warmth of the sun on your skin again if you do this."

"Oh well, I prefer the glow of a nice laptop to sunlight anyway," Luke mumbled back, placing the boxes on the counter.

Barney and Penny joined up with them as the cashier said words more horrible than Ted could have ever anticipated. "The total comes to three thousand twenty-five ninety-nine."

"Awesome," Barney said again as he handed her his credit card.

Ted felt himself beginning to sweat as he desperately racked his brain for some way to put a stop to this. "Stop!" he finally screamed, only realizing how melodramatic the gesture was when the cashier gave him a thoroughly horrified stare and the rest of the shoppers turned to stare at him with equally as caught off guard faces. "Barney," he said, his voice much more controlled now. "I'm not going to let you do this, it's a terrible mistake."

"Dude, it's three-thousand dollars, who even cares?" Barney asked, shrugging his shoulders and prompting the cashier to run his card.

The next thing Ted knew, it was too late. Barney was being handed his receipt and Luke was happily grabbing at the big bag that now held his new electronic goodies. "No! Barney, I cared! I told you not to spoil my kids, and now Luke is being more disrespectful to me than he has ever been and it's because you've totally spoiled him!"

"Ted, let me do what I want with my money. You may be Luke's dad, but you aren't mine."

"But I am Luke's!" Ted reiterated, shaking his head in disbelief. "And I didn't want him to get the iPhone 17! It's the phone of rich brats!"

"Okay, I know, Ted," Barney finally whispered, emotion flooding back into his voice. "I know you don't want me to spoil your kids, but Ted, I really like spoiling kids. It's like the best part of being a parent. And I have no one else to spoil now, Ted, so just...okay?"

Ted opened his mouth to say something but found that his words wouldn't suffice. He wrapped his arms around Barney and rested his head on his shoulder for a moment before finally whispering, "I hate how impossible you are to hate."

"Do you have a rule against frenching in public?" Barney whispered back, placing his hand on the back of Ted's head as he held him close.

Ted inelegantly nodded his head as he answered, "Yeah, I do."

"Pssh, now who has too many rules?" Barney asked, dejectedly taking a step backwards and out of Ted's embrace.

Ted lowered his eyes and halfheartedly mumbled, "I'm sorry, it's just that it's all been happening so fast."

Barney reluctantly nodded his head and whispered, "Well, I guess you aren't wrong." He paused for a moment before confidently saying, "But fast is good. Slow is lame; who like slow? I feel like I've already wasted thirty years; wasting another minute would just be stupid. So, I'm going to get you to kiss me before we leave this mall. Challenge accepted, Ted, challenge accepted."

Ted couldn't help but snicker even as he rolled his eyes. "Are you really still giving yourself dumb challenges?"

"Umm...no, I've never in my life given myself a dumb challenge. My challenges are awesome, Ted. Get it right." Ted had to admit that as he stared into Barney's vibrantly blue eyes and studied the charmingly boyish grin resting on his lips, he was extremely close to letting Barney accomplish his challenge right then and there.

Before Ted had the chance to satisfy his craving, however, he felt a tap on his shoulder and glanced over from the intoxicating sight of Barney Stinson to find his daughter and son, not-so-patiently, waiting to get a move on. "Dad, I want to go shopping now, please," Penny begged, trying but failing to sound polite and respectful. Ted appreciated the fact that at least she was trying, which was more than he could say for Luke at the moment.

"Oh no," Ted mumbled, closing his eyes as he faced his preordained-exhaustion. He hated taking Penny shopping. If hell was a personalized experience and if he, by what could only be considered a freak fluke, somehow wound up going there, he just knew he was set to spend eternity watching his eldest child peruse a sea of nondescript apparel whilst, for whatever reason, asking his opinion on each and every article.

He did not want to spend the rest of the day (or at least until nine o'clock when the mall was due to close) enduring such a dreadful fate. Thus, words could not express how grateful he felt when Barney said, "Ugh, unless you're looking to purchase some extremely fashionable tailor-made suits, there's no way that I'm going shopping with you. Take my wallet and run along." He pulled his wallet back out of his pocket and offered it out to Penny.

Still, Ted tried to play it cool. "Whoa, hey, Barney, I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of my fifteen year-old daughter and thirteen year-old son wandering around this giant mall together. Especially not with all of your money."

"You're right, Ted, here, I'm taking the cash. I need it," Barney replied, removing the large wad of dollar currency from his wallet and shoving it down into the front pocket of his suit. He looked over at Ted before sighing and shaking his head. "It'll be fine, they have cell phones. My mom let me run around the mall by myself when I was five."

"Umm..." Ted didn't know how to delicately point out that his best friend's deceased mother had had some serious flaws in her admittedly try-hard parenting techniques, so he gave up and merely said, "Alright, fine, but seriously you can't give Penny your wallet."

"Penny, I can trust you, right?" Barney asked, grinning down at her, his eyebrows raised.

Penny eagerly nodded her head and answered with an enthusiastic, "Of course you can, Uncle Barney."

"Great, well then, come along, Ted. Let us go adventuring." Barney quickly grabbed Ted's hand and began to pull him away from his children.

"Hey! I don't want to be stuck watching Penny shop!" Luke called from behind them.

Barney completely ignored Luke's pleas and tugged Ted all the way out into the hallway. "You can't just believe her, of course she's going to tell you that she's trustworthy," Ted pointed out, staring back into the depths of the Apple store.

Barney swatted his hand through the air to cast-off Ted's concerns. "I trust her enough to trust her when she tells me that I should trust her."

Ted creased his eyebrows together with worry as he shook his head and muttered, "You really shouldn't, though."

"Ted, my boy, I ask that you please refrain from being a giant rotting stick in the mud, because we are about to embark upon our first...wait for it...date! Our first official date, Ted! Are you or are you pumped!?"

"Did you just say are you twice?"

"Do you need another option, Ted? I mean really."

Ted felt a smile tug on his lips as he slowly shook his head. "No, I guess I don't."

"Of course not," Barney answered, still tightly clasping Ted's hand as he began to seemingly aimlessly walk along the stretch of the mall. "And may I just point out that this totally means that your lips will be mine by the end of the night."

Ted didn't doubt it, but he obviously couldn't admit that. "Sure, whatever, Barney," he mumbled before asking, "So where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere awesome!"

"You have absolutely no plans, do you?"

"Having no plans is part of my plan. I believe in the magic of spontaneity," Barney answered, continuing to blindly wander through the crowds as he held onto Ted's hand. "Try to be adventurous sometimes, Ted."

"I didn't know that not knowing where to go to eat was considered adventurous." Ted then, regretting his snark a bit, decided that he would try to be helpful and said, "There's a nice restaurant inside of the Neiman Marcus. I mean I've never eaten there before, but...I heard that it exists."

"Great, then lead the way!"

Ted took a deep breath, nodded, and instinctively tightened his grip around Barney's hand as he began to take charge.

It didn't take them long to reach the place, but once they did, they were disappointed.

"No! Ted! The classiest eatery in this place and it had to go and close its doors at four in the afternoon? I feel strongly that this is a personal attack against us."

"Yep, I'm sure that it is." Ted stared at the barred doors of the restaurant with a solemn frown on his face. He had been looking forward to eating an exceedingly delicious meal that he didn't have to cook. It'd been awhile since he'd gotten such an opportunity.

"Well, that's it. We're doomed," Barney stated as he dramatically crumpled down onto his knees and hung his head in remorse.

"There's other places, we'll be fine."

"Maybe if you're okay with eating cheap, greasy burgers on our first official date."

"There used to be a burger joint here, but it went out of business a decade ago. There is a barbeque place, though."

"Whatever, fine. It doesn't matter anymore; the night's already ruined."

"Wow, yeah, and _I'm_ the giant rotting stick in the mud, sureeeee."

Barney slowly stood back up and gazed over at Ted with the saddest set of puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen. "It's just that if we go to a cheap barbeque place then the ambiance will be all wrong and I'll never be able to convince you to kiss me."

Ted frowned, a flutter of adoration filling the recesses of his heart until it dawned on him that, "You're just acting like this so that I'll feel bad for you and give you a kiss. Well, I have news, I'm not going to. I can see right through your evil schemes, Barney."

"Dammit!" Barney cursed, clenching his hand into a fist in front of him out of frustration. "But, Ted, you know that you totally want to smack our lips together too. I have great lips."

"Okay. You do have very nice lips, Barney, and your tongue isn't too bad either, but I feel as though I have now accepted my own challenge. I will refrain from kissing said lips until we've blown this Popsicle stand and the window of opportunity for you to complete your challenge has closed. Boom!"

Barney faux gasped and shook his head in disappointment. "How dare you, Ted? How dare you?" He paused and took a deep breath before saying, "No, you know what? It's okay. I welcome the competition. Bring it on, Ted Mosby. You don't stand a chance!"

"We'll see about that, Barney!" Ted exclaimed, a grin unintentionally slipping onto his lips. He loved the childishly outlandish persona that Barney still retained from the more carefree years of his youth.

"Well come on, then, let's go get dinner," Barney said, grabbing Ted's hand in his own once again.

"Let's," Ted agreed as he returned to guiding them through the large, labyrinth interior of the mall.

* * *

A date.

No biggie.

Ted had been on a billion and a half dates. Great dates. Horrible dates. First dates. Last dates. But he had never been on a date with Barney. Sure, there had been plenty of times when they had hung out together, just the two of them. And sure there was that one time when Barney had bought Ted dinner to reward him for agreeing to design the new GNB building, which was, to be fair, pretty much exactly like a date. But by actually tacking that word onto the event, by actually calling this their first date, everything was different.

There was a heady pressure that hadn't been there before, because dates could be a success or failure. They weren't like two friends eating out together, there was an importance to it that made it necessary to wholeheartedly strive towards perfection. Yes, Ted had been on a billion and a half dates, but he still didn't really like them. He felt almost nervous. Being at dinner with his best friend shouldn't make him nervous. Even if they had slept together and were now beginning a relationship. They were still best friends, and Ted didn't understand why it was that his palms were sweaty and every and all interesting topics of conversation had been plucked clean out of his brain. He was dangerously close to having a conversation with a man that he had known for thirty years about the recent lack of April showers.

He took a bite of his piping hot chicken wings and tried to think of something more riveting to say, until finally Barney relieved him of the duty. "Wow, it's been awhile since I've been on a date..."

"Oh yeah, I guess that's true, huh?" Ted mumbled. He couldn't say the same thing, of course. He had been on a date with Robin just a handful of days ago.

Barney's eyes bashfully fell down to his own basket of wings as he whispered, "I think that I had pretty much accepted that I was going to be a single father for the rest of my life and now I'm neither of those things. My life's become a waking nightmare, but this...this kinda feels a whole lot like a dream. I can't believe I'm on a date with you. This is awesome! I don't even care that you're acting super awkward and uncomfortable."

Ted grinned and nodded his head as he replied, "Trust me, I can't believe I'm on a date with _you_ either." He quickly realized that his words carried an unintended negative connotation and he tried to correct himself by adding, "It is pretty awesome, though."

"I still wish that stupid romantic fancy place was open, though. This is lame."

"I thought it was awesome?"

"Being on a date with you is awesome, but this is a lame date."

"Um...Sorry?"

"There is one way that we could make it a whole lot better..." Barney quickly wiped his mouth, took a swig of beer, and winked at Ted.

Ted rapidly shook his head and responded with a drawn-out, "Noooo way. Not gonna happen."

"Ted, think about it this way, do you really want to sabotage our first date just so you can win a challenge? How petty and immature can a person be?"

"Right. Because you've never gone to completely insane lengths to complete a challenge."

"Nope, never."

"Right. Because you never banged an old lady so that you could remove a certain pair of overalls."

Barney's jaw dropped and he crossed his arms over his chest in annoyance. "I don't even remember telling you that."

"Well you clearly did."

"Okay, fine. Maybe back then I was childish and desperate not to have to forfeit challenges, but now I'm super mature and willing to let go of them for the sake of what's truly important. You should learn to do the same, Ted, geez."

Ted rolled his eyes a short burst of laughter escaping from his mouth. "You're not going to guilt me into letting you win."

"Dammit. Why not!? I really want to win! Please! Please! Please, Ted! Please!"

The enthusiasm in Barney's eyes was almost enough to convince Ted to throw in the towel and give him a kiss. On the other hand, though, his begging was equally adorable and he didn't want to put it to an end. "I want to win too."

"Lame. Well you're not going to."

"Barney, you're great and all, but I think that I can keep my lips off of you for a few hours, thank you."

Barney narrowed his eyes at Ted and dejectedly mumbled, "I don't even want you to kiss me, anyway." His expression quickly changed and his eyes lit up before he called out, "Actually, I'm just not going to talk to you anymore until you kiss me."

"Whatever," Ted replied, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders. He silently drank a series of small sips from his own glass of beer until an idea popped into his head. "Hey, Barney?" he asked, steadily working to trick him out of his silent-stance. "I think that you should permanently move into my house."

Barney's eyes widened tenfold and he had to bite his bottom lip to keep an array of astounded questions from flooding out of his mouth. Ted grinned at him, tauntingly, before adding, "My house lacks the overwhelming memories of your apartment and I like having you around. I don't see any point in you moving back into your own apartment. Plus my house is rent-free, so...Not that money matters to you. Which you've clearly proven today."

Barney eagerly nodded his head in agreement as a smile appeared on his closed-off lips.

"Do you want to or not? I need an answer," Ted said, still grinning like a maniac.

"Dammit, Ted. Yes, that sounds awesome," he paused and his expression grew graver as he whispered, "But...I think I'm going to keep my apartment. I...need it."

"Are you sure? Last time you went there..."

"I know, but...memories are important."

Ted simply nodded his head and whispered, "Alright." He knew what he meant. He had kept almost everything Tracy ever owned. Still in dusty boxes up in his attic were her old dresses, instruments, journals, jeans, knick-knacks, and t-shirts. Memories were painful, but they were important. It was difficult to find the balance between never letting go and moving on.

"Besides that, our first date and you're already asking me to move in? You've always been so presumptuous, Ted." Barney grinned as he said it, and Ted quickly found himself grinning back. He, of course, knew what incident he was referring to.

"You're the one who's already been living with me for weeks."

"Only because you insisted," Barney mumbled, drinking one last gulp of beer before rising to his feet and staring down at Ted. "You ready to go?"

Ted nodded his head and joined him in standing. "Yep, let's go collect my demon children."

Barney tenaciously grabbed Ted's hand and began to lead him through rows of tables back to the entrance of the restaurant. Ted gave his hand a squeeze to get his attention and when he glanced over at him he smiled and said, "Hold on a sec, first we should..." He gave up on using his words and put his lips to use in another way as he gently pressed them against Barney's.

When he pulled away Barney was beaming at him with slightly-reddened cheeks and whispered, nearly inaudibly, "Shit, I'm in love."

Ted stifled a small gasp and tried to keep his eyes from bulging out of their sockets. "Now who's being presumptuous?" he questioned, doing his best to sound lighthearted.

Barney nervously squinted at him, as though he couldn't bear to look at him with his eyes fully open. "You're right. I Tedded-up."

Ted's own nerves dissolved into a fit of laughter and he was quick to shake his head and reassure him that, "No, it's fine. It's not like I didn't already know how you felt about me." Ted knew that he should say it back, that it always stung a little not to hear it back, but he also knew that he just wasn't ready to let those words loose from his tongue.

"True," Barney acknowledged, still squinting at him and clutching tightly onto his hand. "Now, come on."

They walked out of the restaurant and back into the thick hallways of the mall with a different dynamic resting precariously between them. Ted thought that they had, in many ways, taken a step forward. Ted also thought that, in many ways, everything felt quite a deal more serious now. But, he wasn't sure what he thought about that.

* * *

Ted could've sworn that his vision had adopted a red hue of white hot rage. Somehow, by some twisted miracle, Penny had managed to spend more than her younger brother. Her closet was now filled with designer jeans, dresses, coats, and boots. He was thoroughly disgusted by it all, especially since she had completely gone against her word and had in fact, not been at all worthy of Barney's trust.

Ted was also disgusted by how apathetic Barney was towards the entire ordeal. He helped Penny carry her stupid bag of useless frills back to the car and was now, as Ted began to pull out of the mall's parking lot, consistently insisting that "money ain't no thang" and that Ted needed to "take an extra-strength chill-pill".

He wasn't quite certain why it was that he felt so damn dragged through the mud over it all. He did have a few theories, however. The first of which was rather difficult to admit to himself; he thought that perhaps, just perhaps, he might be a tidbit jealous. Luke and Penny were obviously drunk on spoiled rotten joy, and he felt threatened by it. He didn't want anyone but him to bring his kids that sort of joy, and the fact that Barney could so easily supply it with a nonchalant flash of his fruitful credit card made him uneasy in the worst of ways. He had, in recent years, fallen victim to the insecurities that most single parents eventually succumb to. The gnawing fear that he wasn't quite enough, and that he alone could never offer his children the life that he had desired for them.

He had always felt that he made enough money to give his children a beyond comfortable life, but he had never had enough to willy-nilly cater to their every whim as Barney had done today. So, naturally, he felt inferior. He had wanted Penny and Luke to like Barney, of course he had, but not this much. This was too much.

They were all kinds of grateful, and Ted couldn't help but wish that their overbearing gratitude was intended for him.

It was a difficult drive for him. His head was in a bad place. A spoiled, rotten place.

He'd had a wonderful day and a wonderful date, but yet all he could taste was the nasty excess of envy clogging up his system. He didn't like it, didn't want it, but there it was. As much as he wanted to focus on the grand ole' time he had had, he couldn't shake the cloud of negativity caught inside his brain.

Even as he pulled into his driveway, those unwarranted and unwanted emotions were still lingering. He managed to make it up to his bedroom without lashing out again, and for that, he was quite proud. Barney followed him into his room, which slightly ticked Ted off. He just wanted to be alone. He felt as though he rarely ever got to be alone anymore. And, in his current cynical mood he felt as though that was entirely Barney's fault.

"Ted, hey can you please stop being mad at me? I know you're mad at me. It's bumming me out."

Ted turned around to face Barney and gestured for him to close the door, which he didn't hesitate to do. "I'm not mad at you," he said, sighing heavily as he plopped down on his bed. "I'm mad at my kids and I'm...sorry, I'm just tired."

Barney nodded his head understandingly and sat down next to him, immediately placing a hand on top of his thigh. "Alright. Then let's just sleep. Maybe tomorrow you won't be so PMS-y."

"Come again?"

"All I'm saying is that you're being super obnoxiously temperamental."

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused."

"Not what I...," Ted sighed again and shook his head in exasperation. "I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I'm not being temperamental or PMS-y."

"Oh right, sorry, yeah, of course you've already gone through menopause. My mistake."

"You're such a-"

Barney quieted him with a sudden kiss and quickly mumbled against his lips, "I know I am."

The sandstorm of feelings that he felt every time their lips touched bubbled up within Ted again and blew his negativity out the window. He worked to deepen the kiss, but kissing quickly wasn't enough and he soon realized that going to sleep wasn't really on either of their agendas for the night.

* * *

 **Thank you all for reading! Sorry that this chapter is a bit short, we're nearing the end.**


	9. Keeping Secrets

"Remind me again why I have to cook the dinner for my own birthday party?" Ted asked, waving a mixing spoon in Barney's direction.

Barney shrugged his shoulders and popped a grape in his mouth from the fruit platter that Ted had just placed on the middle of the counter. "Probably because Lily's already baking the cake and you two are the only ones with any cooking skills whatsoever."

"I guess," Ted agreed. "I am admittedly pretty great at cooking. This rosemary onion focaccia and parmigiana reggiano, pea and asparagus risotto will shock and astound you."

"Sure, dude. I have no idea if those were all actual words or if you're just like, having a stroke or something, but I'm sure I'll totally be astounded..."

Ted rolled his eyes and turned back to his butter-laden saucepan. "Whatever. Oh, and I don't think I need to tell you this, but you absolutely cannot tell anyone about us tonight. Once they show up, no kissing, hugging, or touching of any kind. No dirty jokes or double entendres either."

"Is a threesome with Robin off the table too? Because, you know, we've both done her and now that we've both done each other, it just seems like the natural progression of things, really."

Ted glanced back over his shoulder to cast Barney the most furious glare he could muster, but honestly the joke was so characteristically him, that he wasn't at all surprised.

"Okay, okay," Barney conceded, putting his hands up into the air to peaceably surrender. "If we can't do it on the table, then I guess that a bed will suffice."

Ted once again found himself rolling his eyes before saying, "Barney, I'm serious. You can't give them any indication whatsoever that we're anything more than friends."

"Don't worry, Ted. I'll be as cool as a cucumber. Except now that I've brought up cucumbers, I'm totally thinking about my penis and now I'm not so sure that I can keep cool anymore."

"I could never even figure out why I was friends with you; why am I now dating you? What is wrong with me?"

"You're just super lucky, I guess."

Ted turned back around to stir white wine into his risotto, but he could hear the sounds of Barney's bare feet padding against the tiled floor as he slowly drifted towards him. He felt Barney's arms slowly wrap around his waist and his chest press against his back, and he instantly felt more than a little aroused. "I guess that I am," he whispered, tilting his head back so that peck his lips against Barney's.

Barney smiled lovingly at him as he released him and took a step back to give him space to stir. "I'm lucky to have you too, Ted. I don't know what I'd do without you. And, oh, hey, I don't think I've said it yet, but...um, happy birthday."

Ted smiled back at him, his cheeks reddening ever-so-slightly, as if he were somehow embarrassed by having been born. "Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you, either."

"You're so old now...," Barney mumbled, trying to change the subject as his cheeks also flushed red.

"You're older than me, idiot."

Barney grinned at him and nodded his head. "But I'm pretty much immortal and age super gracefully, so it doesn't really count."

Ted wished he could say that he was wrong and wipe that cocky grin off of his lips, but instead he had to admit that, "You are honestly still as hot as you were in your thirties."

Barney's eyes widened with surprise and he cocked his head to the side. "Seriously?" He paused and cleared his throat. "I mean, of course I am. Duh. Thanks for having eyes."

Ted couldn't fully suppress a small chuckle as he said, "Yeah, I'm glad I have eyes too. It's a real blessing."

They both fell silent for a moment until Barney cautiously whispered, "You're...you also are like...aged really well. You're hot...I mean...well...yeah."

Ted burst out laughing and nearly spilt the bottle of wine in his hand as he tried to pour a little bit more into the pan. "You're also about as smooth-talking as you were twenty years ago, too."

"Hell yeah, I am."

"That wasn't a compliment..."

"Mmm, I think it was."

"Okay, but I know that it wasn't."

"Mmm, but my opinion is worth more than yours."

"Okay, but I'm the one who said it, so I think I know how I intended it."

"Ha, so my opinion really is worth more than yours!?"

"Crap, no, not what I...stop taking everything the wrong way!"

Barney started laughing and soon they both couldn't stop. The sound of the doorbell emanating through the cozy home was the only thing able to shake them back to reality. "Ah, yay," Barney mumbled, a note of disappointment lacing his tone.

"Could you please go get that?" Ted asked, anxiously bringing his attention back to his cooking, slightly worried he had been letting it sit for too long. Barney didn't give him a reply, but when he next glanced over his shoulder he found that he was alone.

"Ted! Happy birthday! We left the kids at home and we brought cake, champagne, and presents!" Lily's voice suddenly chirped from somewhere behind him.

He quickly spun around to take in the sight of her and Marshall setting their stuff down next to the platter on the counter. "Great. That cake looks delicious, Lil."

Lily shot him a beaming smile before she glanced over proudly at her confectionary. "Thanks, Ted." Her eyes swiveled towards him and her mouth dropped open in confusion for a moment before she said, "That, uh...looks great too."

"Risotto," Ted supplied, grinning in amusement. "And thanks."

"Oh, well, cool. Happy birthday, buddy," Marshall interjected, wearing a smile that very closely resembled his wife's.

"Thanks," Ted repeated, before turning back to his cooking so that he could switch the oven off and get to plating the meal.

Barney wandered back into the kitchen just as the chime of the doorbell rang out once more. "Oh crap, Robin," Ted mumbled, not quite as quietly as he had hoped.

"Ted...is this going to be the first time you see her since...?" Lily left her question hanging heavily in the air. She had a nervous expression on her face and was nibbling her bottom lip in concern. Ted nodded his head, trying to keep his cool and not burst into the ball of nerves that Lily had become.

"It'll be fine. Totally fine. Leave it to me," Barney remarked, hurrying back out of the room before Ted had the chance to counter with the fact that there was no way in hell that it would be fine or totally fine.

Ted stood in silence with Marshall and Lily, holding his breath until it seemed that his vision was turning a tad black around the edges. He tried his best to listen to the conversation taking place in his living room, but the wall were thick and the words came through severely garbled. He managed to make out something that sounded like "awkward" followed by a sound suspiciously close to "go home". Ted's heart clenched, his vision continued to grow darker, and for the briefest of seconds he feared that he might literally be dying. That was, until the door to the kitchen miraculously swung open again and Barney led Robin into the room with him.

"Hi, Ted," Robin half-mumbled as her glum features rushed to give way to an eerily fabricated smile. "Happy birthday."

"Oh, hey, Robin! Thanks for coming!" Ted greeted, being altogether too cheerful. He didn't want to let on how uncomfortable he felt in her presence. He was genuinely glad that she had come, but he was also more than certain that she wasn't at all glad to be there.

She plopped a gift bag next to Lily's cake before glancing back over her shoulder at him. "Smells good in here," she commented, sitting down on the stray barstool that Ted inexplicably kept next to a small potted fern in the far corner of the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"Well good thing it's almost ready then, just let me finish dishing it all up," he replied, quickly snagging the focaccia and throwing slices of it onto the plates next to the risotto. "And done!"

"Great." Robin stood up off of the stool and made her way back to the center of the kitchen. She swooped in next to Ted and snagged one of the plates from in front of him. She didn't linger long enough for the tension between them to awaken again and was soon the first one to make their way out of the room. Lily and Marshall soon grabbed a plate and followed her into the dining room, but Barney lingered in the kitchen with him for a moment. "You okay?" he asked, trying to sound casual though there was obvious concern in his voice.

Ted quickly nodded his head and tried to wave away his worries. "Yeah, totally. It's just...kinda awkward."

"Indeed," Barney whispered, smiling slightly as he nodded his head. "I feel guilty."

"Guilty? You? Why?"

"Robin..."

"I know. But it's on me, not you."

"No, it's me. I broke you guys up."

"Not on purpose, you even tried to get us back together, so really it's on me." Ted handed him a plate and took the remaining one for himself before he began to walk towards the doorway. "Now come on, and remember not to say anything weird that could give us away."

"Anything weird that could give us away."

"You're an idiot."

They stepped into the dining room and Ted was relieved to find that there were still two empty chairs next to each other for the two of them. He had, however, been left the nightmarish dilemma of having to decide whether he should overcompensate for the awkwardness between them and take the seat next to Robin or if he should play it safe and sit next to Marshall. If he sat next to Marshall, though, that would then force Barney to sit next to Robin and from the conversation that they had just had he wasn't sure that it would be fair to put him through that. Plus she was his ex-wife and all, so sitting next to her might be even more uncomfortable for him.

As Ted got closer to the table the realization that he had never really been weighing the options inside his head dawned on him. He knew that he there was no force in the world strong enough to will him to sit down next to Robin. He sat down next to Marshall, feeling a tad guilt-ridden as Barney sat in-between Robin and him. Barney didn't seem to be at all bothered by the arrangement, however, which made Ted feel much more at ease as a result.

Robin had already begun digging into the meal and she set her fork down for a moment to shoot Ted an embarrassed glace. He simply smiled at her and whispered, "Go ahead. There's more in the kitchen if you're still hungry."

She nonchalantly shook her head at him, as a slight grimace overtook her features. Notably, he had somehow offended her, but he didn't have it in him to attempt to determine how he had done so. The rest of them, himself included, soon joined her in eating and Ted was pleased to find that his meal had turned out quite nicely.

Barney, unfortunately wasn't enough of a buffer to defuse the flaming pile of elephant excretion between Robin and him. She was so hurt. He could see the pain she kept in the crevices of her casually furious eyes.

Due to this, dinner was not a fun experience, to say the least. Everyone could smell the turbulence in the air and no one was daring enough to try to side-step it and foster a pleasant conversation. Instead they ate quickly, quietly, and worked diligently to get tipsy off of cheap champagne.

Once forks were being scrapped against plates to collect the morsels of residual rice, Lily finally put forth a little effort to bring a sense of normalcy to the dismally weak excuse for a birthday dinner. She stood up and mysteriously left the room without a word only to return mere seconds later with the colorful bag she had left on the kitchen counter. "Here you are, just a little something from Marshall and me," she announced reaching over the table to hand him the bag.

He smiled at her, decidedly forfeiting the grossly cliché _"oh, you shouldn't have"_ speech as he broke through the staple that held the flaps of the bag together in order to gain access to his gift. Inside he found a sleek, yet protective, phone case and a skinny plain white envelope. He tore his eyes away from the soft black case in his hand to smile over at Marshall and Lily. "Thanks," he whispered as he set the case down on the table and ripped the envelope open.

"Yeah, well, I remember you saying you needed a new one...," Marshall whispered back, trepidation in his tone.

Ted nodded graciously and answered, "I did. Thank you." He pulled a card out of the envelope; on the front of it was a drawing of a bouquet of various flowers and the moment that he opened the card a gift card came tumbling out of it. He leaned down to retrieve the fallen gift from the ground and smiled as he looked at it for the first time; it was an Amazon gift card. "Thank you, again," he whispered, grinning at Lily first and then moving his gaze onto Marshall.

"Gift cards are always good, right?" Lily asked, mirroring his smile.

Ted nodded again as he said, "Yeah, they're great."

Robin was the next to stand up and wordlessly walk out of the room. She too returned with a present in her hand. She forced herself to smile at him as she dropped it down on the table next to his empty plate. "Me next," she whispered, quickly moving to take her seat again.

Ted stared expressionlessly at the gift for a moment, as though he were scared to unwrap it, lest there be a ticking bomb carefully hidden by the navy blue wrapping paper and vibrant yellow bow. He forced himself to let go of his nonsensical fears and leave his accompanying trance-like state behind him. He tore the paper off slowly, making sure to keep it all in one piece as he pushed it to the side. There was no card inside, no the gift box was empty save for a bland checkerboard tie. A tie. Ted wasn't sure why, but somehow receiving such a nondescript tie from Robin stung him worse than if she hadn't given him any gift at all. Of course, he had to put on a brave face and shoot her a faux version of the smile that he had given Lily and Marshall, but inside the stupid tie was driving a sliver into his heart. "Thank you, Robin," he whispered, struggling to spew the words out through gritted teeth.

She smiled back at him, and he once again caught sight of the pain behind her gaze. He felt guilty as it occurred to him that he hadn't the right to play the victim. He was the one who had broken her heart merely a few days prior, and she deserved to be able to send a few small shockwaves through his.

Barney squirmed uncomfortably in the seat next to him before mumbling, "I got you a gift too, but um...I don't know if you should open it."

"Huh?" Ted asked, tilting his head to the side as he allowed the tie to slip through his hands and back into the empty box on his lap.

"It's...really..."

Ted's breath caught in his throat and he felt his entire body begin to tense up. This was it. Barney was already acting weird. They were being too obvious. He had seen this coming from a mile away; he knew that something would go terribly wrong and the shift in the dynamic of their relationship would become apparent by some catastrophic misstep by one of them, and he more than feared that this moment may be that misstep.

"Expensive," Barney finished, still nervously shifting his weight on his chair.

It was difficult for Ted to repress a sigh of relief. He had expected Barney to say something worse. That the gift was something anti-platonic or...sexual in some way. And had that been the case Ted may have been inclined to murder Barney, which really wouldn't have been a great move in the scheme of things.

"Oh," Ted whispered, a genuine smile slipping onto his lips to replace the current counterfeit one. "Well with the way you've been carelessly throwing money to the wind lately, why would I be surprised?"

Barney playfully shrugged as he mumbled, "True, but I didn't want you to get all pissy about me wasting money again, so just keep in mind that you've been warned." As soon as he finished talking he rose to his feet, his hand brushing purposefully yet subtly against Ted's arm as he took a step away from the table.

Once he had left the room Ted's unintentionally caught sight of Lily's eyes and the deep sea of concern within them. "How is he doing?" she asked, her voice so low he could hardly hear her.

"Better," he abruptly answered. "Honestly, he's a lot better," he reaffirmed, once he realized that his initial statement hadn't been sufficient enough to rid the world of the worry in her eyes.

Her expression still held doubt as she moved on to a follow-up question, "What did you mean by he's throwing money to the wind?"

Ted shrugged, and lifted the phone case off of the table and began fiddling about with it and trying to fit it onto his phone in order to alleviate the discomfort he felt from the current conversation. "I mean, he is," he answered, distractedly. "It's not like he isn't rich, though." Ted wasn't quite certain why it was that he had suddenly decided to defend Barney's impulsive behavior, when he had already spent so much time arguing against it. Perhaps it was because he knew that there was no use trying to talk sense into Barney about his budgeting and he didn't want anyone else to waste their time. Or, perhaps it was because he was selfishly more than a little excited to see what it was that Barney had splurged to get him.

Barney reentered the room before Lily had a chance to combat Ted any further and the now familiar awkward silence resurfaced until Barney tossed a small, sleek black gift box to Ted and prompted him to open it. Ted quickly swooped the top of the box off and gazed in awe at the beauty within it. "You're kidding...Barney...How much did this cost?"

Barney merely smirked at him and shook his head. "You really don't want to know."

"What is it?" Lily hastily asked, craning over the table in an attempt to peek inside of the box.

"Oh, sorry," Ted mumbled, still reeling from the shock. He very carefully lifted the box up and thrust it closer to her so that she could see it and then he panned it across the table so that Marshall and Robin could catch a glimpse as well. As expected, there was a collective chorus of gasps.

"Is that real?" Marshall mumbled as a dorky sort of grin twisted over his features.

"Obviously," Barney remarked, feigning offense.

Ted's hands were shaking as he took it out of the box and unclasped it so that he could fit it onto his wrist. It was gorgeous. A Rolex, apparently genuine. Genuinely gorgeous. It had a stainless silver band, a teal dial, and crystal accents. Ted had never thought that he wanted something this outrageously lavish, but now that it was on his arm, he couldn't deny that he was in love. Both with the gift and with the giver.

His initial instinct was to look over at Barney and present his gratitude in the form of a gentle peck on his lips, but he caught himself at the last moment and managed to keep himself from leaning any closer to him. "This is beautiful," he whispered instead, "Thank you..." He didn't know how to properly express how amazed he was. He wished he could have just gone ahead and given him that kiss, it would have made things much easier.

Barney smiled over at him and whispered back, "Glad you like it."

The moment felt insanely intimate and a fresh batch of anxiety and paranoia chilled Ted's bones. He wondered if the others could see it in his eyes just how much this gesture meant to him. He was terribly uneasy, and he hated it, because more than anything, he just wished that he could bask in the joy he felt every time Barney looked at him. "I love it," Ted whispered, nearly inaudibly. He could tell from the slight shift in Barney's expression that he understood that there was so much more that he desired to say.

Silence swept through the room again and Ted felt the sudden desperation to break through it surge up inside of him. He had to distract Lily, Marshall, and Robin's curious eyes from continuing to study the subtle gestures of admiration between Barney and him. "So, Lily, cake?" he blurted, too caught in the torrent of emotions boiling up within him to come up with anything else to say.

Lily smiled at him and enthusiastically clapped her hands together. "Sure! Does everyone want a slice?"

Barney and Marshall both simultaneously nodded their heads as Robin slowly, and decisively shook hers. Lily's smile faltered for a moment, and Ted could tell that she felt personally offended by Robin's decision. "Sorry," Robin mumbled, trying to ease things up. "I actually think that I'm going to go…"

Ted's heart dropped again. He had been flying too close to pure, unadulterated happiness, so she had taken a bazooka and shot him down. He didn't have to ask her why she wanted to bail, though; no one needed to ask her why. Her breakup with Ted had pushed her to regress to the version of herself that felt uncomfortable in their presence. It was a shame, but there was really nothing to be done. Eventually, he hoped, this would pass and things would go back to normal. Or maybe normal wasn't quite the right word. Normal didn't include him and Barney dating. But normal wasn't all it was chalked up to be, anyway.

"Oh, that's too bad," Lily mused, an overly-exaggerated frown overtaking her features.

"I'm sorry," Robin repeated as she rose to her feet and stared longingly at the door. "It's been great seeing you guys. Happy birthday, Ted…again."

Ted smiled at her and, foolishly following his expired instincts, stood up to give her a goodbye hug. Unlike before, he didn't catch himself in time and he already had her in his arms before he remembered that she wasn't his to hold anymore. "Thank you for coming...again," he said, immediately releasing her, and trying to play it off like giving her a friendly hug was an entirely natural thing to do. To him it kind of still felt like it was, but he was certain that she had an altering view on the matter.

She didn't mention the brief embrace and instead merely attempted at returning his smile before waving at the group one last time and taking a step behind her. "Bye! See you all later!"

"Bye!" Lily hurriedly called as Robin walked out of the room and let the door swing shut behind her.

A few minutes after she had left, Lily sat back down at stared intensely into Ted's eyes. "What are you doing?" she asked, a notch of high-pitched exhaustion in her tone.

"Waiting for cake...?" Ted mumbled, knowing full well that that wasn't the right answer to her question.

"No, Ted, I mean...Robin...I know you said that you didn't want to talk about it, but...you have to give me a reason why you're putting both of you through this. You love her, Ted, you always will; no matter what, you just keep coming back to her. All you've ever wanted was her to love you back and now she finally does and I've been wracking my brain to try to think of a single reason why you would possibly throw that away, but I can't think of one."

Ted's eyes widened and he immediately spun over to meet Barney's expressionless gaze. He was doing a surprisingly good job of not letting on to how horribly Lily's words must have stung him. "Barney...," he whispered, reaching underneath the table to gingerly grab hold of one of his hands. He directed his attention back at Lily and took in a deep gulp of breath. He felt his grip on Barney's hand get tighter as he anxiously squeezed it for support. "I broke up with Robin, because I'm..." Nope. He couldn't do this. This was even harder than trying to explain the situation to his children. He wondered how he could backtrack and get away with not having to tell them the truth.

He glanced at Barney one last time, trying to convey with pleading eyes that he was sorry that he lacked the courage to tell them. A sharp gasp yanked away his attention and his gaze snapped from Barney to Lily as her jaw dropped open and she whispered, "Oh...wow."

"Huh?" Marshall mumbled, confusedly gaping at his awestruck wife.

"Ted...Barney...wow." Her features remained frozen in astonishment for a fleeting second more before she shook her head and came back to her senses.

"Lily, please," Ted mumbled, turning his pleading eyes onto her and silently yearning for her acceptance. She now knew, and from her current blank slate expression, it was impossible for Ted to determine how she was handling the news. Barney shifted anxiously in the chair next to him, and Ted selfishly took comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one feeling uneasy. Though, Ted knew that Barney was likely more comfortable with Lily knowing than he was, given that Barney had felt comfortable enough to tell her that he had feelings for him in the first place.

"I like you two together," she finally whispered, a smile snaking onto her lips.

"Togeth…you two are together!?" Marshall remarked, his eyes very nearly bulging right on out of his skull.

Ted could feel his face heat up and an intense craving to stare down at his feet and allow the tiled floor to consume him gurgled up within his chest. Instead, he felt Barney's hand take hold of his own and he tightly squeezed it in an attempt to anchor himself to the moment. "Yeah," Ted hazily heard Barney whisper, "We are."

Lily shot a sideways smile at her husband as she gave him an awkward pat on the back. "That's…a surprise," Marshall finally managed to stutter out.

"The good kind," Lily softly added.

Marshall dazedly nodded his head and put more decibels behind her sentiment, "The good kind."

"Good for you guys!" Lily cheered, excitedly, finally rising to her feet again and trying to bring the party back to life. "This is awesome! I'm going to go get the cake. Now we have another thing to celebrate!"

The room fell silent once she had left it, but she returned a mere minute later, attempting to balance four plates of cake on her arms. She handed each of them a slice before reclaiming her seat and excitedly taking her first decadent bite.

Shortly thereafter she gave up on eating and her fork tumbled down to strike her plate with a raucous clang. "I'm sorry," she slowly whispered, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I didn't know..."

"It's fine," Barney rushed to reassure her, casually putting his hand up to halt her words.

She frowned and him and cautiously shook her head. "No, it's not, because I really do think that you two are perfect for each other, and I really am rooting for you, so I don't want you to think that I'm not."

Barney grinned at her and chuckled a bit before swallowing a forkful of cake and saying, "Thanks, Lil. I believe you."

She picked her fork back up and stabbed it back into her fluffy slice of white cake. "Good," she replied, smiling back at him.

Ted was now beginning to feel much more at ease as it dawned on him that things were going as well as he could've possibly hoped for them to go. For once, he actually thought that maybe everything would turn out alright; that maybe the only direction they could go was up. For once, he actually felt hopeful.

His birthday felt like something worthy of celebrating for the first time in years.

And what a birthday it was.

* * *

 **Ahhh, okay, I'm super sorry about how long it took me to post this chapter. My life has been kinda crazy lately what with Christmas and all. I also got my first tattoo. Which may or may not be a quote from HIMYM. Yes, I do really, really love this show, hahaha.**

 **Anywayyyyyy, there will probably be two more chapters but I haven't written the last one yet, so I'm not sure how soon I'll be posting them, hopefully it won't take me too long.**

 **Once again, a huge thanks to anyone who's stuck with this and is still reading.**


	10. Bad Decisions

Nothing good happens after two a.m.

But it was only eleven, and Ted thought that he still had another three hours of peace and security. He should have known better, though. He had woken up in bed next to Barney with his phone buzzing softly on the nightstand near his head, and checked his messages to find a text from Robin asking him to come to the door. And despite how rotten it made him feel to sneak out of the bed and tiptoe to the hallway, he complied with her request.

No, he wasn't followed to the front door. No, he didn't wake Barney up, not at first, anyway. That wasn't what went wrong that night. No, the ordeal started with Ted pulling the front door open and finding Robin standing on his porch clutching a certain unwieldy blue brass instrument in her hands. "Hi, Ted," she whispered, her voice filled with the desperate yearning she so seldom allowed to manifest itself.

The eternal hot potato of the Blue French Horn was a grudge match that refused to stop grappling for their attention. He wondered if at this point it was less of a symbol of their love and more of a symbol of their stubbornness and refusal to make peace with the ever recurring platonic nature of their relationship.

"Is this another birthday present?" he awkwardly joked, though he was too uneasy for the intended humor of it to shine through.

"Yeah, sorry about recycling your present…" She whispered, trying to sound playful, but coming off as genuinely apologetic. "I just…I couldn't stand having it sitting on my mantle, looming over me like that."

Of course her words stung, but by this point Ted was so used to it that the pain in his heart faded away from the foreground. "That's understandable..." He wasn't sure why she had brought it back to him, however, it wasn't like he much fancied the idea of looking at it all the time, either. "But a shame," he hesitantly added.

Robin quickly nodded her head as she thrust the instrument into his waiting hands. "It is. But it's your shame."

Well, he couldn't really argue with her on that one. "I'm sorry," he whispered for what he imagined to be the billionth time.

Robin's nodding quickly evolved into her frantically shaking her head. "No, don't start with me, Ted," she replied, a sharp edge to her tone. "You can't even give me one half-way decent reason why you're breaking my heart, so don't go on thinking you have the right to apologize."

"Robin, I...," he weakly countered, "I told you, we just…don't fit. I've spent nearly my entire adult life wishing we worked, but Robin, we just don't."

"How can you say that? I know that we've had our problems lately…ok, that we've always had our problems, but we...love each other; we have chemistry. And aside from chemistry all you need is timing, remember? And for once we finally had both, Ted. We finally _have_ both." Her words threw him for a moment, and he wondered if she was right. She was, he realized, but the problem was, he also met the same prerequisites with Barney. Although, now that they were dating, perhaps it made it so that Robin and him no longer had a checkmark in the timing box.

"Robin, we both know that it's more complex than that. You and Barney had all of that too, but look at how that turned out."

She frowned at him and scrunched her eyebrows together, as though she was appalled that he had dared to try to prove her wrong. Or perhaps she was appalled that he had dared to mention Barney. "You're wrong, Ted. Barney and I didn't have timing. All I cared about was work and that destroyed our relationship, but I'm different now. I'm ready, and I love you." Her mouth snapped closed and she met his gaze with expectant eyes. He didn't want to disappoint her, she looked so hopeful, so optimistically beautiful. He felt her hand on his cheek and he stiffened, unable to move, or even breathe.

"Robin…" He wasn't sure how to explain to her that he couldn't do this. That no matter how badly he might be aching for it, he couldn't have it. He had never been in this sort of a position before.

She gently pressed her lips against his as she took the Blue French Horn back out of his grasp and cautiously let it drop to the floor. She deepened the kiss, and he didn't try to stop her. His hands snaked onto her hips and he began to greedily explore her smooth gorgeous curves with his fingers. They were panting by the time her tongue slipped away from his. She took his hand in hers and began to lead him towards the staircase with a crookedly seductive smile. He resisted and kept his feet firmly planted in the entryway. Images of Barney in bed next to him, contently asleep, trusting, and vulnerable, flashed through his brain and singed him like frayed wires. "Robin...," he whispered, his weak protests sounding pitiful to his ears.

"Come on," she whispered back, grinning, "There's no point in pretending you don't want this too."

He did, of course he did. He wanted it, but a seizure-inducing slideshow of Barney stills was still flashing through his brain, giving him a sick sort of vertigo. "There's...Robin, there's someone else," he finally forced out, unworthy of the rush of pride that came with the words. They had been hard to say, and he was glad to have said them, but they didn't have the power to right his wrongs.

"What?" Robin questioned, wide-eyed, smile rapidly faltering. "Wh...who? What?" She dropped his hand and took a step behind her, creeping farther away from him and closer to the stairway.

"No one you'd know." He was truly disgusted with himself. He wasn't this type of man, this wasn't him. Why did Robin make him so weak? Why did she have the ability to mold him into this type of man like so little putty in her hands? And, where did he get off blaming her for his own transgressions?

"You're kidding me," she scoffed, genuine disbelief evident in her eyes. "There's no…What's this mystery woman's name, huh?"

"Janet," Ted quickly spewed out.

"Janet what?" Robin prompted, eyebrows raised to the sky.

"Jackson," Ted mumbled, grimacing as the word left his mouth.

Robin rolled her eyes and shook her head in exasperation. "Seriously, Ted?" She paused a moment before asking, "Why can't you ever just be straight with me? Why do you feel the need to make up a reason to push me away?"

"There really is someone else, Robin."

Hurt suddenly flooded her eyes and she nibbled at her lip to keep her emotions inside before she once again questioned, "Who?" Her expression shifted until a streak of pure fury was painted across her features. "Wait…she's in your bed right now, isn't she? That's why you don't want me going up there."

Ted tried to keep his façade from betraying him as he readily shook his head and uttered, "No, of course not. Of course there's no one in my bed."

She could see through him, he knew that she could. He was as transparent as tracing paper in her eyes. She was dashing up the staircase before he could get another word out to try to stop her. By the time he caught up with her, her hand was already twisting the knob to his bedroom door. She pushed it open and stepped inside with the same powerful air of defiance he had always admired within her. He peeked inside from over her shoulder, his breath hitching as he caught sight of Barney's delicate features, clear even in the low-light of the room. Robin wordlessly shut the door, her actions suddenly more calculated and careful than before.

"What's going on?" she asked, her voice wavering with uncertainty.

Ted couldn't see any sense in trying to deny it any further. "It's…well, it's exactly what it looks like."

"No, Ted, you didn't...this isn't funny." She had an expression on her face that was the same as the one she might've worn had he murdered someone right in front of her. Her piercing eyes quickly embedded their shrapnel within his skin.

"It's not supposed to be," he whispered, putting up his palms and gesturing for her to calm down. "I know this is...weird," he felt guilty for using the word, but he couldn't think of anything more suitable, "but it is what it is."

Robin shook her head, her lips curling upward as her confusion turned to rage. "You're disgusting," she snarled.

Ted anxiously ran one of his hands through his hair as he covered his mouth with the other. He had never expected this sort of response. He'd known that if Robin ever found out it wouldn't be pretty, but he hadn't anticipated it to be quite this ugly. "Robin, whoa, since when are you so..."

"I didn't mean it that way, Ted. It's disgusting because you're having sex with him out of pity."

Ted bit down hard on his bottom lip and began adamantly shaking his head. "No, no way. This...it means something to me, Robin. I...might love him."

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms back over her chest. "No, Ted. Here's what's really going on: you've been trying to do everything in your power to cheer him up since Ellie died, and when you found out that he had feelings for you, you tried to trick yourself into thinking that you felt the same way so that you could give him what he wanted. He's been your friend for decades, of course you love him, but not like this."

He felt a surge of fury stir up within himself that certainly must've been headier than the anger that she felt. "You don't know have a clue what you're talking about," he growled, his voice deadly serious now. "It might be difficult for you to accept, but I really do have feelings for him. I know that I'm not lying to myself. It hasn't been easy being in this relationship, but I haven't abandoned it, because I care about it. I care about him."

"But yet you're toying with him. God, Ted, why do you think you were so handsy downstairs and so damn eager to shove your tongue down my throat? I'm the one you're attracted to. You're kidding yourself and you're hurting him."

"I made a mistake tonight! I know that, but come on, the fact that I'm never going to stop being attracted to you doesn't invalidate the fact that I am genuinely attracted to him. And who are you to talk anyway? You've cheated before."

"Ugh, I was just waiting for you to shove that in my face. It's irrelevant. And besides that, it only further proves my point; I cheated on Kevin with Barney because all along Barney was the one that I was in love with. I was kidding myself with Kevin just like you're kidding yourself with Barney." She paused her eyes softening a bit before she whispered, "He's so vulnerable...how could you do this to him?"

"I'm not doing anything to him! We're dating, we like each other; it's really a pretty simple concept, Robin!"

The door to the bedroom violently swung open, rapidly drawing both of their attention away from each other. Barney stepped out into the hallway, his nearly bare figure silhouetted on the walls of the dim hallway. He rubbed at his eyes and cocked his head to the side as he studied Robin up and down. "What?" he blearily whispered. "What's going on?"

"Barney," Robin whispered, nervousness tangoing with pity in the tone of her voice. "Ted..."

Barney held her gaze for a moment, confusion clearly imprinted upon his features before his expression changed into one of bleak understanding. "Oh. Ted told you, huh?"

Robin's eyes widened slightly and she nodded her head. "Yes, but that's not what..."

"Yeah, I told her, sorry," Ted said, quickly stepping in to try to put a stop to Robin's confession.

Barney smiled at him and shrugged his shoulders. "It's fine. She was bound to find out eventually." His smile dropped as his eyes turned back onto Robin. "But, oh, Robin, I'm so sorry. I know how this must feel for you...I've been there."

Robin shook her head and took a few steps closer to him until she was close enough to rest her hand on his shoulder. "No, Barney, I'm sorry."

He tilted his head again and stared past her at Ted, confusion returning to his face. "Huh?"

It was obvious that Robin was intending to spill the beans, and Ted figured that it would be beneficial for him to be the one to tip the legumes instead, so he took a deep breath to prepare himself and said, "Robin and I just kissed. I'm sorry. It was an accident."

A vague shroud of misery poured over Barney's face and his mouth fell open slightly as he struggled to grasp the words. "Oh," he finally whispered, clearly waging a momentary war against his tear ducts.

Robin swiftly enveloped him in her arms, offering him an awkward kind of maternal comfort. He seemed uncomfortable in her embrace for a moment before he met her eyes and whispered so quietly, Ted had to strain to hear him, "You didn't know about us before you…right?"

Robin frowned at him and shook her head, whispering back a gentle, "Of course not."

Her reassurance obviously made him feel more at ease in her grasp as he wrapped his own arms around her and pulled her in closer. Ted watched them silently from the sidelines until his heart threatened to give way. "Barney, it wasn't…I love you."

Barney met his eyes and slowly shook his head back and forth. "Maybe, but you love Robin more. Maybe you even love her more than you loved Tracy."

Ted's jaw dropped open as his eyebrows scrunched together and his eyes grew narrower. Half of him now wanted to slap him. Honestly, he didn't know where he got off being so high-horsey, he had cheated in the past too, but Ted knew that this was likely an inappropriate time to make such an accusation. "Don't," he harshly whispered, his tone distantly threatening.

"Did you just settle for her because you couldn't get Robin?"

Robin pulled out of Barney's arms and took a step away from him, a slightly disapproving expression on her face. "Barney, come on," she whispered softly.

"You know, Ted, you're the last person I would've expected to do something like this," Barney continued, willfully ignoring Robin.

Ted conceded and nodded his head, trying to let go of the anger carving through his capillaries. "Barney, it was an accident. It was just a kiss." Of course, that was a bit of an understatement in regards to the steamy makeup secession that had taken place downstairs, but Ted didn't see how telling the full truth in this situation would be beneficial for him.

"What, so you tripped and fell onto Robin's lips? Seems unlikely."

"It was…instinctual."

"Right. Sure." Barney rolled his eyes as he strolled passed Robin and made his way over to Ted. "Cut the bullshit, Ted. You're straight, this whole thing has been a nice little experiment for you. I should have known."

"No, I'm not. I'm in love with you, I swear I am. Just…please, let's move past this." Ted shot Barney a pleading gaze before leaning closer to him and attempting to kiss him.

Barney bristled and shook his head to stop him. "I've been through enough shit already, I don't need to keep being strung along." He sighed and moved back towards Robin. "I'm...I need to get an Uber."

"Barney, stop. This is ridiculous," Ted whispered, somehow managing to be simultaneously patronizing and pleading. "Let's just talk through this."

Barney met his eyes for a moment before he dropped his gaze and again shook his head. "I don't want to talk, I just...want to think."

Ted knew that he owed him at least that much. He knew that his only choice now was to step back and give it time, but it was more than a little difficult to come to terms with that reality when his heart felt the way it did. He wanted to pretend like Barney was overreacting; he wanted to act like someone more emotionally stable would have been over the betrayal by now, but truthfully, he knew better. He knew that what he had done was very nearly unforgivable.

It would have been one thing if it had really just been a kiss. But it wasn't, it was a yearning in his heart, a constant unquenchable thirst for Robin that could only be alleviated by having her in his arms. He wanted, more than anything now, a relationship with Barney, but Robin was an addiction he felt almost powerless against. She was like a drug. She wouldn't be good for him in the long run, he knew that. If he allowed it, she would eventually destroy him, but he still craved the high that she could offer him.

He was nothing but a junkie, and he had hurt the man that he loved. All he really wanted was to offer Barney security in an uncertain world, but now he was a cause of uncertainty himself. He thought that he would never feel guiltier than he had the night that Ellie died, but now he learned that he had been wrong. This was it. Surely this was what top-tier guilt felt like.

"Barney," Robin interjected, clear-cut concern shining through in her tone, "Why don't you just come back to my apartment with me?"

Ted gaped at her, shocked and quite frankly, peeved-off, until he reached the realization that her motives were likely much more pure than he had originally assumed them to be.

"Please, I'm not going to try to kill myself again over this," Barney muttered, dramatically rolling his eyes at her.

"God, I'd hope not," Robin replied, "But I don't think you really want to go back to your own apartment right now, do you?"

Barney sighed and surrendered to her with a solemn, "No, not really."

She cautiously smiled at him and said, "Alright then."

Despite the fact that Barney would just be staying at her home so that she could keep an eye on him, Ted couldn't keep from feeling more than a little uneasy. His worst fear now was that he would lose them both. Barney wouldn't take him back. Robin wouldn't ever speak to him again. It all seemed so very likely.

He wanted to beg him not to leave, but he knew that any further confrontation would only make things worse for all involved. So, when Robin took Barney's hand and began to lead him back down the hall, he didn't move to stop them. Barney glanced at him from over his shoulder one last time, and in the fleeting moment of eye-contact that resulted, Ted attempted to summon a century's worth of apologies. Then, without another word being exchanged, he was left standing alone in the hollow hallway with a guilt-ridden conscience and a heart that had caved-in on itself.

* * *

The next morning went about as well as he could have hoped for it to go. Of course, it was only to be expected that the first words out of Penny's mouth, once he moved downstairs and their paths crossed in the kitchen, were, "Is Barney still asleep? I decided I'm definitely going to stop referring to him as my uncle, because that would be weird now that you're…well, now that he's my father's boyfriend, you know?"

Ted hadn't a clue how she had so much energy to gab her mouth off first thing in the morning, until he caught sight of a mug of coffee on the counter behind her with a delicate little ruby lipstick smear dancing around the rim. He'd told her a million times to cut back on the caffeine because she was too young to become dependent upon it, but it seemed that his warnings were either not being heeded or had come too late.

"Makes sense," he mumbled, shuffling towards the coffee machine himself. He definitely wouldn't make it through the dreary day stretching forth before him without at least that much of an artificial high. His caffeine dependency was decades in the making and he wasn't about to start trying to shake it now. "And, no. He's not asleep, he's…out."

"Out? Out where? Is he going back to work?" A smile had dared to edge its way onto her lips, and though it obviously wasn't intending to, Ted felt that it was mocking him.

"No, he's out with Robin for the moment."

"Oh?" her voice took on the conversational hum of a receptionist trying to subtly churn the office gossip grind. "Why's that?"

"They're friends. I have to share him."

Penny laughed softly and nodded her head in understanding. "Well, I hope you're not too jealous."

He tried to return her smile, tried to laugh to keep himself from crying, but his heart was still threatening to give in and it was extraordinarily difficult to playfully shrug his shoulders and whisper, "Only a little."

* * *

Ted had promised himself that he was going to be strong and give Barney space to think. He had sworn that the best thing he could do now was sit back and hope that he decided to forgive him. Ted was normally fairly adept at keeping his promises. This was a messy exception.

His finger rested motionless against the smooth, reflective surface of her doorbell as he considered, for the last time, turning back. Decisively, he applied pressure onto the button until he could hear the echo of the chiming sound ring around him from inside the apartment. He was fully expecting Robin to answer the door, in fact, even more than that he was expecting to be ignored altogether. Instead, like a beacon of misguided hope, Barney appeared in the doorway. A plain black t-shirt clung tightly to his skin and he was sans pants, merely in his boxers. He had left the apartment in a state of near nudity the night before, and obviously he hadn't managed to collect many articles of clothing since then.

Ted tried to gather his thoughts together, but Barney's bare legs and charmingly tousled hair was more than a little distracting. "Umm..." He managed to mutter, once again awestruck by just how attracted he was to his former best friend. "Barney, I'm..." He wondered how anyone can be quite so perfect. "I know that what I did was inexcusable and that I don't really deserve your forgiveness, but I want it. I need you. I can't imagine living without you."

Barney stares at him blankly for a moment, his eyes eerily devoid of emotion. Ted hadn't seen him look this numb since the days just after Ellie's death. Slowly, his expression fills with something akin to shame and he shakes his head. "Ted, last night...I was so unbelievably hurt and pissed off at you..." Ted winced, prepping himself to hear the worst. "When Robin and I got here she started trying to comfort me and one thing just kinda led to another and we...had sex."

Ted hadn't prepared himself accordingly. This was worse than the worst, somehow. This was an inconceivable nightmare. His breath caught in his throat and the air felt suddenly suffocating. "You?" he mumbled, incomprehensibly. "No...you..."

"I'm sorry, Ted," Barney whispered, stepping further back into the apartment, unsympathetically gesturing for Ted to follow him inside. Ted didn't feel fully in control of his body as he stepped through the doorway and listened to it briskly slam shut behind him. "I didn't mean for this to happen, but you know...I guess there's part of me that still loves her. I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me, but she was there for me last night, anyway."

"Where...where is she?" Ted managed to croak out, having to hold on to the wall to keep his heart from tugging him downwards and throwing his balance off-kilter.

"She's at work right now," Barney supplied, a slight frown appearing on his lips. "She should be back soon though, I think."

"How could she...? How could you?" Ted asked, his voice rapidly rising in volume as his shock sharply twisted into anger. "You really give that little of a shit about me? I mean, I know that I hurt you, but we could have worked through it. It's all over now, though. You made sure of that."

"Oh, shut up!" Barney snapped back, "You started it!"

"Who the hell cares!? All I did was kiss her, but you full-blown cheated on me!"

"Please, our relationship ended before I slept with her as far as I'm concerned."

Ted's eyes widened as the toll of the betrayal wholly struck him. He was afraid that he was far too close to the edge of tears for comfort. "I really did love you, Barney...," he helplessly whispered, giving in to the moisture forming in his eyes and allowing it to spill over onto his cheeks.

Barney's eyes finally softened and the fury that had subtly shifted his features unexpectedly evaporated. "I loved you too, but you let me down, and Robin, well despite our difficulties, she's never betrayed me like that."

"But Barney, can't you see that she obviously just wanted someone to screw her last night? It didn't happen with me, so she moved on to you because you were just stupid and miserable enough to do it."

Rage returned back to Barney's face tenfold and his hands balled into fists at his side. "Fuck you, Ted. Really. I already told you I know that Robin doesn't love me, and you know what? Maybe I'm the one who just wanted to screw someone. Maybe I just wanted to forget about how much you screwed me over." He began to cry himself, but his tears fell much more frequently than Ted's. Soon his body was being racked by sobs for the first time in weeks and Ted was struck by an annoying tinge of guilt.

He was certain that he was no longer the one who needed to feel ashamed of their actions, but yet he couldn't help but feel awful as he watched Barney once again break down right before his eyes. He was swiftly reminded of just how hard things had been for him lately, of just how fragile he was, and he wondered if he really had the right to hold his actions against him. Barney was just a victim to the powerful current of emotions and disasters that had seized control of his soul. Ted was furious and wounded beyond words, but yet he couldn't help but feel a spike of deep concern for the man who had brought this heartache upon him wedge itself in his chest. It was easy to forget that nearly all the exhilaration and apparent passion for living that Barney had donned since the start of their relationship was just a bandage on the gaping gash that Ellie's death had left within him.

Ted opened his arms, wondering if Barney would even allow him to embrace him as he approached his shaking form. To his surprise, Barney didn't shy away from his touch as he pulled him close to his body. Ted gently rubbed one of his hands against the back of Barney's head, trying his best to soothe him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, unsure of why he was allowing such words to leave his mouth. "I shouldn't have said that." He heard the front door noisily open behind him, and he released Barney and spun around to face it with a sudden fervor he hadn't known he possessed. Predictably, it was Robin.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked, gazing past him, her question obviously more directed at Barney.

Ted took a step away from Barney, his footfall so purposefully forceful that he was practically stomping like a child in the midst of a tantrum. He still had a fair amount of wraith ripping at him, and now that he had decided to let Barney off the hook, his only option was to direct it at her. "Why don't you tell me what happened, Robin!?" he shouted. "I'd like to hear your take on things."

A profoundly startled expression appeared on her face and she quickly tilted her head to the side. "What do you mean?" she cautiously inquired, her eyes nervously darting back to Barney.

Ted felt a gentle hand clamp down on his shoulder and he glanced over his shoulder to meet Barney's gaze. "Yeah, so, um...that was all bullshit."

"Huh?" Now Ted found that he was the one startled, cocking his head to the side, and asking, "What do you mean?"

Barney anxiously shifted his gaze onto the ground as he hesitantly whispered, "Nothing actually happened between Robin and me last night..."

Ted could feel his own eyes dramatically widen with shock as his brain got caught in the soft-spot between relief and rage. His heart rate seemed to be accelerating with every breath he took. "Why did you...?" he aimlessly mumbled.

Barney shrugged uncomfortably before mumbling back, "I wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine, ya' know, just to see how easily you could swallow it."

Ted shook his head in disbelief, allowing the rushing surge of rage within his brain to win over for a moment. "This is so much worse than what I did to you!"

"Ummm...what? I didn't even actually do anything!"

Ted caught a glimpse of Robin from out of the corner of his eye, she looked more uneasy than he had ever seen her. It was obvious that she was waiting for a chance to sneak past them and disappear into the depths of her apartment. He sidestepped and gestured for her to go on, whilst softly whispering, "No reason you should have to be involved in this anymore." She shot him a grateful glance before awkwardly rushing past them in the direction of her bedroom. Ted and Barney both fell silent as they waited for her to flee the premises, but once she closed her door behind her, their momentary truce dissolved and Ted mustered his resentment once more as he yelled, "It doesn't matter! You still...you're still just such a damn good liar."

A flicker of what could only be pride overtook Barney's features. "Good."

"It's not a compliment."

"Maybe not to you it's not."

Ted sighed and shook his head in exasperation. "Well, you got what you wanted, then. You hurt me back, how's it feel?"

Barney's cocky expression quickly vanished and his eyes widened to match Ted's. He nervously licked his lips before whispering, "My goal wasn't to hurt you back...no, it was. You fucking broke my heart, why shouldn't I have tried to break yours too?"

"But that's the thing, Barney, I didn't mean to break your heart. God, I would never..." Ted could feel his defenses tumbling away. He had exhausted the reserve of rage within him, and now all that was left was the relief, the hope, and the _guilt._ "No, you know what? You're right. I had this coming. All I ever do is hurt you."

Barney silently held his gaze before his eyes softened into deep pools of crisp blue and a small sigh escaped his lips. "That's not _all_ you ever do," he mumbled, his tone one of reluctant acceptance. "If that's all you ever did, I wouldn't…" His voice trailed away and he resolutely shook his head. "Why…? Why couldn't you push her away? Why wasn't I…enough?"

Ted was once again seized by an intense desire to pull Barney into his arms, if only so he wouldn't have to look him in the eyes and bear witness to the tears that threatened to start spilling out of them again. He resisted, however, and instead forced himself to keep eye-contact as he whispered, "You were enough, you're…everything. I guess I didn't realize just how much you are until I lost you. I wasn't lying when I told you that I love you."

As soon as the words left Ted's mouth Barney's arms were around him and their lips were passionately pressed together with tongues intertwined. Ted was so taken aback he nearly flinched away from the contact, but Barney's hand pushed gently against the back of his head preventing him from breaking away from the kiss. By the time Barney finally broke away from him they were both gasping for breath. "I hate that I just did that," Barney muttered, panting heavily between his words.

Ted shook his head in confusion before impulsively initiating another kiss. Barney didn't give into it this time and Ted quickly pulled his lips away. "I know you're scared I'll hurt you again, you have every right to distrust me, but…If you give me another chance I'll make it right. I'll earn your trust again." _Your love_ , his brain longingly added.

"I'm so…stupid. I have no choice, because I still want you so badly I can't…" Barney let his words fall away in favor of forcing his lips back against Ted's.

"Thank God you're stupid," Ted gently whispered against Barney's lips.

"No, I…," Barney aimlessly attempted at protesting once more, even as he leaned deeper into the kiss.

Ted stopped him for a moment, backing off a step. "I'll do anything to make it up to you, Barney. Whatever I have to do."

Barney's eyes widened and Ted thought he caught a glimpse of a grin as he playfully asked, "You ever thought about getting remarried?" Ted's eyes nearly rolled out of his skull and onto the wooden floor. He also nearly toppled onto the floor himself, in all honesty. After a beat of near-hypervenalation, Barney released him with a whispered, "Kidding, just wanted to see you sweat."

Ted found that it was still extremely difficult to rein himself back in and take a breath. "Hilarious," he said, the unamused monotone of his voice in direct opposition to his words. He breathed a sigh of relief and shook his head while simultaneously giving in to a small smile.

* * *

Four months later, the idea was no longer so hilarious.

"This must be weird for you," Ted mumbled, anxiously straightening his tie for approximately the millionth time.

He could see Marshall grinning at him behind his back from the reflection in the mirror. "Would you stop with that already? My two best friends are both getting married today! To each other! I daresay, that this is, in fact, a miracle."

"Oh, please, this again?" an all too familiar voice suddenly asked.

Ted quickly spun around to face the one in possession of that voice. "I didn't think you'd come," he whispered, unable to stop himself from smiling a bit.

Robin shrugged. "Neither did I, but I don't know, I guess I'm just relieved that Barney still wanted me here even after I almost stopped it from happening."

"Well, I'm glad you came."

Robin frowned at him ever-so-slightly before saying, "I'm here to support him, not you. I'm still mad at you, don't get the wrong idea."

Ted's smile evolved into a grin and he eagerly nodded his head, "Fine by me."

The door opened again and Penny cautiously peeked her head into the room. "Hey, dad, you almost..." Her words died away as she caught sight of Robin. "Hi, Aunt Robin," she quickly greeted before her gaze returned to Ted and she put her hand up against the side of her mouth to do a faux stage whisper, "I thought you said you shouldn't invite exes to your wedding. You know I love her, but isn't she a bit of a double whammy?"

Robin playfully rolled her eyes as she began to walk back towards the door. She sidestepped Penny and slipped out into the hallway, willingly providing them with room to talk about her behind her back. Ted simply smiled at his daughter and shrugged his shoulders. "I guess there's an exception to every rule. Besides, she was there when I married your mother and that went fine."

Penny shrugged at him, and indifferently said, "I guess," before taking her leave and letting the door click shut behind her.

Ted tucked a strand of his hair back into place before he finally turned away from the mirror in order to glance at the gorgeous watch on his wrist. "Shit, ten minutes to showtime," he whispered, trying to keep his voice from wavering as he dangled within the very cusp of hyperventilation. He nervously rubbed his palms together before turning his eyes up to meet Marshall's. "I'm doing the right thing, right?"

Marshall's eyebrows rose and his face took on a quizzical expression. "Right thing? If this is what you want, then it's the right thing."

"This is what I want," Ted answered, feeling more confident in his answer than he sounded.

"You love him, right?"

Ted immediately and vigorously nodded his head. "Yes."

"Then it'll be fine," Marshall assured him, standing up from his chair against the side wall of the room and walking towards Ted. He reassuringly clapped his hand down on Ted's shoulder and flashed him a warm smile. "Don't worry so much."

"The guy who shaved his head right before his wedding is telling _me_ I'm worrying too much?"

"I didn't shave my whole head…"

"Right, because that makes it better."

"It does."

There was a knock on the door and Marshall made to answer it as Ted took a deep breath and tried to calm his reverberating nerves. James strolled into the room and looked Ted over, scrutinizing him. He seemed to pass the test, as James quickly stopped and smiled at him. "Barney's ready, just wanted to make sure that you are too…And that you didn't run off and leave my brother at the altar."

"Glad you have so much faith in me, James," Ted mumbled.

James nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and said, "Just watching out for my baby bro."

Ted smiled back at him and nodded his head. "I know, it's fine. I get it." He thought for a moment before hesitantly adding, "I promise that I'm done hurting him, though. I really do love your brother, more than I can say."

This seemed to set James at ease as a smile reappeared on his face and he took a few steps closer to Ted until he suddenly wrapped his arms around him. "Welcome to the family, then."

Ted laughed and graciously nodded as he whispered, "Thank you."

"Now I've got to go get Barney, it's almost time…" James said, his voice trailing off as he walked out of the room.

"You ready?" Marshall asked once the door clicked shut and they were once again alone.

"As I'll ever be," Ted answered, his nerves rapidly returning with a vengeance. He frantically checked his watch again and whispered more to himself than to Marshall, "Two minutes."

He moved back in front of the mirror and quickly studied himself in it. He wasn't sure about what he saw in it and immediately set about fussing with his hair once more. "Ted, if you're late Barney will kill you. You know how insistent he's been about getting the timing perfect."

Ted rolled his eyes and forced himself away from his reflection. "You don't need to remind me. I still think it's ridiculous that he's making us both walk down the aisle."

"It's sweet," Marshall replied, grinning.

"That's what he said."

"He's right."

"If you say so. I just wanted to stand there and let him garner the attention."

"No such luck."

"Seems not."

"What time is it?"

Ted's eyes hurriedly moved down to his wrist once more as panic settled in his chest. Just as he opened his mouth to give Marshall an answer a loud, obnoxious buzzing noise erupted out from Marshall's pocket. He quickly pulled his phone out and silenced the alarm before meeting Ted's eyes. "Showtime," he whispered, tugging the door open.

Ted hurried out of the room and down the hallway, his rapidly beating heart and heightened breaths the only sounds to be heard. Marshall disappeared, heading off in the other direction as planned, so that he could beat Ted and Barney to the ceremony and inconspicuously take his position off to the sidelines.

When Ted finally reached the door to the main room of the venue he came to a sudden halt. He rested his hand against the smooth wood of the door and took a labored breath. Once he pushed the door open, that would be it. There would be no going back. He would marry Barney Stinson. The thought even now still struck him as kind of ridiculous. Ridiculous and magical. Weird and beautiful. Terrifying and glorious.

After everything they had both been through in their lives, this, at least to him, felt like a worthy end to their story. Or perhaps, a worthy beginning.

 _One last breath, and he was through the door._

* * *

 **I know I said that there would be two more chapters, looks like I was wrong...whoops. I was going to have this chapter continue on past the wedding and have it be long enough to split in two, but I really would just rather it end with the wedding. Originally I had planned for this to end with Barney refusing to forgive Ted and actually getting back together with Robin, but I figured that this is probably the better way to end it. Anyway, thank you so much to anyone who stuck with this and read the whole thing! It's the longest thing I've written, so it feels nice to be able to mark it as completed.**

 **If you've gotten this far I would really appreciate it if you would leave a review on the fic overall. It would mean a lot. Thank you!**

 **Maybe eventually I'll write more for this fandom.**


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